Distant Moon

I sketched a sketch to trace a face
that clearly mirrors my own,
palm to palm in my memory,
my fingers to you are sewn
so tightly, knuckles whiten,
forehead craters like the gleaming moon
which we gaze from different shores,
still singing the same old tune,
feeling the same familiar sores
spawned from distance from your freckled face,
hands that cup and fingers lace.
I hope you still stare at that celestial sphere
and once more feel that I am near.

Hello, Lottyyy! Tassen Spellbinder here to review your poem!

The first thing I noticed was
"forehead craters like the gleaming moon
which we gaze from different shores,"
-- I think you should make it 'on which we gaze'.

"spawned from distance from your freckled face"
-- I think you should make it 'spawned from *the* distance'

"hands that cup and fingers lace."
-- I think you should add a 'that' before lace. It would keep the parallel structure.

Other than that, I couldn't find anything wrong. I did, however, find a whole lot right. I loved this poem! Keep writing!

Hey there!

Now to the poem:

Lottyyy wrote:I sketched a sketch to trace a face

When you sketch, it's pretty obvious that you're making a sketch. So try replacing that phrase with something like 'I made a sketch' or 'I sketched.'

Lottyyy wrote:forehead craters like the gleaming moon

This phrase sounds a bit strange. Maybe try rephrasing it?

Lottyyy wrote:hands that cup and fingers lace.

It's supposed to be 'fingers that lace.'


Anyway, I thought this was pretty good. I like the imagery of the moon portrayed here.

I hope to see more work from you. Keep writing!