The Diamond - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A thick blanket of snow covered the ground. Alicia Jones pressed her nose against the window and wished she were someplace else rather than in her bedroom. She was wearing her favorite pair of pajamas. They were 100% cotton, and had blue and green stripes. She’d gotten them at a trip to the mall with her best friend, Caitlyn.
Alicia felt a twinge of jealousy when she thought about her friend. Caitlyn was currently vacationing in Mexico. She sighed, wishing she were there too.
A loud ringing from the other side of the room brought Alicia back to reality. She leapt off her bed, grabbed her cell phone off her desk, and flipped it open. She held it to her ear. “Hello?”
“Hi, Leesh!”
Alicia instantly recognized the voice on the other line. “Hey, Caitlyn,” she said. “How’s Mexico?”
“Oh my God, it’s fabulous,” Caitlyn gushed. “The weather is perfect! Yesterday we went scuba diving. It was sooo much fun.”
“Sounds nice,” Alicia said. She changed the subject. “Have you started the social studies essay yet?”
“What social studies essay?” Caitlyn asked, sounding confused.
Alicia rolled her eyes. “We have to write an essay for social studies on the after effects of the American Civil War. It’s due on Monday,” she added.
“Oh, that,” Caitlyn said. “I’ll do it when I get back from Mexico.”
Alicia flopped down on her bed and didn’t say anything.
“I saw a really cute guy at the beach today,” Caitlyn said. Alicia half-listened as her friend launched into a lengthy description of the guy and his somewhat-good-looking friend.
“I gotta go,” Alicia interrupted. “I need to finish the social studies essay.”
“Okay,” Caitlyn said. “See you later.”
“Bye.” Alicia snapped her phone shut and stood up. She walked over to her desk and picked up her essay. She was almost done writing it.
Alicia glanced at her clock. It was almost noon. Twenty-eight hours until Caitlyn comes back from Mexico, she thought.
She sat down at her desk and continued writing her essay.

Strange way introduce a story. You did a good job on describing the main character and internal conflict with her friend, but I would advise putting some main idea or actual external conflict besides the essay. I understand it was short and you did grab my attention, but it felt like the chapter ended before it should have. Other then all that I liked it. Ill continue reading any later chapters.

Hey, Amanda! You should introduce yourself in the welcome forum. We don't bite.

I'm having trouble with this for a number of reasons. For one, it isn't a chapter - it's barely 300 words long. Length shouldn't be indicative of the content; that's very true. However, currently it's just 300 words of describing someone who doesn't want to do an essay, and she'd rather be somewhere warm. That's really nothing new. Sure, you've got a little jealousy in there to strengthen the character development but again, this is all very normal of an average teenage girl.

I've read a great deal of Chapter Ones, and I can generally tell when the story doesn't really have anywhere to go - this is one such example. It's simple, and it's ineffective; there's essentially nothing happening. In the opening parts to a story you really need to be setting up something original. As a reader I don't feel inclined to continue because there's nothing fresh going on.

On the other hand, I'd like to think I'm wrong. So post up the second chapter and I'll have a look - but I ask, do you have a plot? Is it original? I can't honestly tell so far, so answer those to yourself truthfully. Anyway, I could also say that it could go in any direction. And that can't be too bad.

That aside, also think about the way you describe things. In the first paragraph, for instance, you use some rather generic imagery; I'm certain I've read the first line many, many times.

I can't really conclude yet, so post part #2 and let me have a look! I'll be as honest as possible. =)

-Blinky

Hi. I liked the jealousy factor Alicia has ands it sounds normal. So the ook is called 'diamonds' and there was no description or story of it. I think you'll do it. Well, it was too short to b called one chapter. Maybe it can be a prologue.

it was pretty good but not a very eye-catching story. i may be wrong and you might have the most epic story ever, but this intro was a little short on my expectations (not saying I had high ones, but i think you could make at least a little longer.)

Yo,
this is a nice, empty beginning, as others have written as well. I for one don't mind empty beginning, or for that matter empty books - as long as they are written well, it can be a novel with people musing and nothing happening, like early Huxley or like Kingsley Amis. I am also quite capable of reading a hundred pages of Bilbo's birthday musing, prepations and speeches. But here, I suspect that you will quickly introduce dynamics of various sorts. Hopefully not too abruptly.
Concerning sentence structure only two things caught my eye:

They were 100% cotton, and had blue and green stripes - there's some deadwood in this sentence, which can be cut out mercylessly and leave something like '100% cotton, with blue and green stripes'

She leapt off her bed, grabbed her cell phone off her desk, - here like every second word is 'her' or 'she', a state of things which should be dealt with

Anyway, nice job!