The Secret Goldfish

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Inspired by D.B.

The Secret Goldfish

She kissed his forehead and swept his bangs to the side.
"You know I love you, right?"
Dylan was hesitant. He glanced at the black silhouette on the stool which loomed over him. His mother's eyes followed his to the mysterious item of interest.
She stepped.
Dylan's eyes shot up like an animal suddenly aware of its predator. At the sound of her foot touching the polished wood panel, he leapt.
In mutual acknowledgement of each other's intentions, they raced.

* * *

Dylan was transfixed by the curious coincidence that occurred. Each one of his shoes' soles would flash a sequence of lights. He was unaware that his mother, Julia, had been holding his gentle hand, guiding him through the urban jungle that they called home.
Pattern: The pace of his steps and the timing in his shoes' magical signals were correlated. Dylan concentrated and tried to block out the din of metallic, wheeled animals and the ones that rode them.
Epiphany: Dylan's steps caused the lights to emit from the soles of his new shoes. Dylan ignored the pestering question of why.
Collision: Dylan's forehead careened into a man's knee. The man whirled his head around the side of his black and white curtain of news. His lips were forming the beginning of what would soon become a blazing trail of expletives. He bit his tongue at the realization that he had bumped into a child. He turned to the mother, whom he blamed in his head, and said, "Excuse me."
Julia patted Dylan's head and softly tugged his hand, herding him to the side so the gentleman could pass. As the man proceeded onward Dylan heard a distinct noise of clanking metal. The busy passerby had accidently dropped a silver dollar.
Karma: Dylan hastily snatched the glistening coin and stuffed it in his lint-filled pocket, all the while rubbing its smooth surface with his thumb.
The two continued down the crowded street with a newly grasped alertness. As they passed a marvelous glossy window Dylan peered in. What he saw in that moment was a revelation of childhood wonder: dogs, kittens, birds, turtles, rodents, and all the enclosed habitats to go with them. The lively colors were bizarrely unlike the dull grey of the city.
Julia stopped her now brisk stride. Not out of will, but because Dylan's fixture of spiritual proportions had tied her down. Quizzically, she observed his odd behavior. She wasn't sure if she should be worried or amused.
"Mommy, can we go inside?" Dylan asked. No matter how solicited he felt, he still had to ask his mother.
"Sure, come on." Julia directed his attention to a door that was previously a mystery to him. They exited the concrete wilderness blind and they entered the wooden passageway seers.
Noises immediately barraged them from every corner and every species. Holy artificial light beamed down on them, giving them an enlightened glow. Aisles of merchandise confronted them like rows of strictly trained soldiers. To Dylan however, they were more like hedges of a life size maze.
They made their way past a variety of other consumers and towards a pedestal. Dylan's eyes were magnetically pulled by the celestial allure of the reflective, glass orb. They approached it like guilty mortals approach a wrathful god.
The translucent sphere on the towering pedestal housed a very reserved goldfish. Dylan scanned the price tag with a learned cautious optimism. The tag desperately shouted in red, "SALE: ONE DOLLAR".
The neurons of Dylan's, despite his age, overwhelmingly complex brain, sparked and scurried with eclectic electric excitement. In half a second he concluded that he could afford this object worthy of worship. Dylan pulled out the silver dollar and compared it with the price tag. His theory was confirmed. He tugged on his mother's arm.
"Mommy, can I buy it?"
Dylan pointed upwards at the fishbowl and Julia knelt down to his level.
"Where'd you get this coin, sweetie?"
"The man who bumped me dropped it."
"You didn't earn it. It's not yours."
"It's in my hand."
Julia squinted her eyes, not sure how to properly retort. She stood up, took hold of the fishbowl, and guided Dylan to the check-out counter. Dylan shyly offered his silver dollar to the clerk who kindly received it with a smile.
"Have a good afternoon, Ma'am."
Julia nodded and took Dylan's hand.

* * *

Days had passed since the advent of Dylan's first idol. Julia instructed him on the process of caring for his scaly pet. It sat on the stool in Dylan's bedroom. Each morning Julia reminded Dylan to feed the malnourished fish, but she knew he never did.
She wanted to teach her son responsibility but at the same time grew aggravated at Dylan's blatant neglect for his new pet. She resisted depriving the boy of his coveted companion and simply procrastinated her role as the undertaker. She especially dreaded the thought of Dylan watching that golden fish swirl into its porcelain grave, scarring her child's perception of life.
* * *
Months had silently slipped by.
Julia pressed her ear against the door of Dylan's bedroom.
"Good morning sir. Good morning Dylan."
Each greeting had a unique sound but originated from a common mouth. Julia sighed and slowly pushed the door open.
"Hi Mom!"
"Hello sweetie, you're up early."
Julia glanced at the object Dylan was talking with just minutes before. It was the fishbowl, and it was completely shrouded by a black cloth.
Julia looked back at Dylan who was rolling a train on the floor. She asked, "Dylan, why do you hide your fish under that blanket?"
Dylan replied without faltering his conducting, "I paid the price for it, so only I get to see it."
"I paid for that train, but I let you see it."
Dylan finally looked up at his concerned mother and promptly declared, "Prove it."
Julia thought about turning around and retreating to a hot cup of coffee. Then she just quit thinking about it and did what she felt was necessary.
"Tell me the truth Dylan; have you been feeding your fish?"
"Yes."
"Then why is your jar of fish food full?"
"He doesn't like fish food."
"Oh, it's a he, is it?"
"He eats meat."
Julia was now annoyed by Dylan's diligent lying.
She kissed his forehead and swept his bangs to the side.
"You know I love you, right?"
Dylan was hesitant. He glanced at the black silhouette on the stool which loomed over him. His mother's eyes followed his to the mysterious item of interest.
She stepped.
Dylan's eyes shot up like an animal suddenly aware of its predator. At the sound of her foot touching the polished wood panel, he leapt.
In mutual acknowledgement of each other's intentions, they raced.
Light pierced through the gapped blinds and layered the two in stripes of yellow. Their faces were riddled with despair. Both of their dark pupils darted the prize.
Their arms stretched out, then their fingers extended. The stool stood still in the dim, quiet fervor. Julia knew the importance of ending this here and now. Dylan feared the shameful exposure of the golden fish that she didn't pay for. The success of Julia's parenting, the mental security of Dylan, and the fate of the fish, all seemed to hinge on the eminent outcome.
Dylan felt himself lose his footing on the slippery wood floor. He looked down at the unforgettable bright flare of light that escaped the sole of his shoe. Julia caught this in the corner of her eye and winced with indecision.
Then in mid fall, one of Dylan's finger tips met the black blanket that concealed the pervasive sphere of water. At the same instant, Julia's white-painted nails tapped the same sphere, but her head was aimed at her son. In the ephemeral moment of chaos they were both distracted from what they were competing for.
Slam: The seat of the stool struck the floor first.
Crash: The fragile glass bubble of tension burst.
Thud: Dylan's elbows battered the shiny wood.
Gasp: Julia's adrenaline glands exhausted and her heart skipped a beat.
Tap, tap: The bones of chicken wings bounced around on the floor and skidded to a halt.
Flop: A dead fish slid into place between Dylan and Julia.
Silence: Julia and Dylan exchanged stares.
Then they both whispered in shock, "You killed him!"
Last edited by inkwell on Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:36 am, edited 2 times in total.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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To tell you the truth, I was seriously confused when I read it. But I loved it. Especially the name of the title. By the way, my name's Dianne. :). On to the review.
The paragraph before the story confused me, and when I read it again in the actual story, I literally thought, "That is brilliant."
The piece is rather simple other than that. It's actually very slow paced if you ask me. And I'm not sure, but is Dylan autistic or something? It seems like it and if he is, you captured that wonderfully in your writing.
I like how you write what he is specifying in his head.

Pattern: The pace of his steps and the timing in his shoes' magical signals were correlated. Dylan concentrated and tried to block out the din of metallic, wheeled animals and the ones that rode them.
Epiphany: Dylan's steps caused the lights to emit from the soles of his new shoes. Dylan ignored the pestering question of why.
Collision: Dylan's forehead careened into a man's knee. The man whirled his head around the side of his black and white curtain of news. His lips were forming the beginning of what would soon become a blazing trail of expletives. He bit his tongue at the realization that he had bumped into a child. He turned to the mother, whom he blamed in his head, and said, "Excuse me."


It really is rather creative and in my perspective, very cool. Also, your word choice is spectacular. Really, I have a hard time finding words and you did an excellent job at it.
And although I say it's simple, you captured these simple moments of the boy and his mother so perfectly, it's something a little more than simple if that makes sense.
Other than that, I have to say that I just really loved this story and if you continue it, you should PM me and I'll be glad to review any more.
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




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Hi Inkwell. I'm Karma. This story was... well, actually, it was amazing. I loved it so much. The beginning confused me of course, but everything cleared up by the end. Anyway, here are some nitpicks so I don't feel like this review is meaningless fluff.
No matter how called he felt, he still had to ask his mother.

I had to reread this several times to realize what you meant by "how called he felt". Kinda awkward wording.

Silence: Then they both whispered in shock, "You killed him!"

Like diaNe, I thought this... style, I guess, was just genius both times you used it. The thing with this sentence, though, is that the ones before it have a sound then they describe what made the sound. This one doesn't work like that. Them whispering didn't cause the silence. It's not a big deal, though.

Also, is he autistic? I didn't get that from him, I just thought he was a very young boy, but it makes you read it in a different way if you see it like that...

Overall this story was just brilliant.

~Karma ;)




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Revised the story with both of your criticisms in mind and an extra spelling/grammar sweep. :)
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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Overall this is a very solid work, so much more professional and well written then most of what I find on yws. There's a lyrical style you present with your description, and especially in the moment to moment points like the crash, fall part. It's almost as if the reder is viewing the world via snapshots. Simply put you have a style unlike any I've seen here. I've never read the works it was inspired by but you capture the world well.

I admit to a few minor quibbles. First, the work seems almost too vague, purposefully, almost pretentious, in it's start. It's fine to create a world and drop a reader in but we need a hand to guide us. You don't understand much of why occurs until the second section, and this alienates your reader. We need to be drawn in right away. Luckily the strength of the writing kept me moving through, and you employ this mystery well.

I feel in a few point you become a bit adj heavy. Majestically shining window for ex. Shining is enough. This doesn't give me anything. Or when be rubs his hand against the coins smoky surface, one can assume it's smoth. This is just excess. You must waste no words in a short story.

That aside I found few real problems. I loved the ending and really enjoys your dialogue and characters, especially Dylan. Well done.



If I had control over the quote generator, I feel like I would put half of YWS in it.
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