Loveday

I love this day
I know this day
Sunshine bouncing off uneven teeth

Oh I love the way you smile

Waking on this plane of you
I’m saying to no one, I’m saying to all
“Have fun have fun I know you will”
I love this day
I know this day
Unbroken hearts unbroken promises
Intoxicated on your feathered whispers

I love the way you shine

Today you radiate not just reflect
You are who you were not who you became
And the rainbows from your lips fill me with life
I’m numbed to what you’re doing
Because today is different
Today I don’t feel and today that makes it good
I love this day
I know this day
Show me
Breathe me
Touch me
Leave me
It’s all the same on loveday

This seems to be more of a song...

....hmmmm....yeah it does a bit. At first I thought "is this going to be any good......" but then it did get better.

At first I thought... this may be good... then I felt my eyebrow arching and my inward eyes rolling... then it got better.

Waking on this plane of you

Is this supposed to be "walking"?

You are who you were not who you became

Some punctuation would make this line clearer.

Your rhythm / rhyme scheme was too erratic.

I do like the theme. I think a little restructuring/modification could make it a great poem!


-Amice-

I like it, everything except
And the rainbows from your lips fill me with life,
which makes me think of those plastic pony things with technicolor manes.

Other than that though, I loved it. Psychedelic and cool.

Thanks, all, I'll see if I can revise it (this is a lie, I will think about it then get lazy and not do it.)