Witches of Algernon (Please review)

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Please help me and review my work. I want to become a better writter. I also want to know if this is a good start to my story? Thank you :smt003

Chapter 1

In the land of Noradia, everything was blooming and the sky a Mediterranean blue seemed to blend into the ocean. Despite the just above freezing climate, it never snowed, it was just ghastly cold out all the time.
Down by the Noradia’s well known trading ports was the town of Algernon, where men were always busy doing work and the women were left at home to look after the house. It was quite exciting for most women, to look after their house, but for others- one in particular- it was the most boring and perpetual.
The girl snapped awake. The voices of the bakery shop owner, Mr. Mallard, could be heard around the corner, talking with another man. Probably a customer. Mairi reached for her book and quickly made for the stairs, her boots making a terrible thudding sound as she tripped over the landing.
“Damnation,” Mairi squeaked as she caught herself on the stair rail.
“Mairi,” Mr. Mallard said. His voice was deep, almost sounding omniscient as it echoed up the stairwell. “Mairi, what are you doing down here?- aren’t you supposed to be helping mother?”
“Sorry Sir,” Mairi said without as much as a glance his way. She then stalked up the stairs slowly, and out of the corner of her eye she saw a tall young man with scraggly black hair peering around the doorframe.
Near the top of the stairs, it began to transform into a home. Pictures of family and paintings of still-life traced the wooden planks of both walls. At the top platform Mairi stood at the intersection of three other doors, one to her left, right, and in front of her an archway. The walls painted a yellow cream color. She went through the archway in front of her where she was instantly surrounded by eight doors spaced three feet from each other. One for each of her sisters, younger and older- she was the middle child- and each door armed with a candle hung by the handle.
“Mairibelle, come here my dear,” a soft melodic voice called. “I thought you had run off again.”
Mairi continued walking, holding her book feebly at her side, until she reached the large living room. Her mother sat with her legs crossed in one of the small chairs. She was holding a cup of tea. She looked so elegant with the sun shining on her blond hair. Diamonds hung from her ears as well as a pearl necklace looped around her neck.
“Come sit,” her mother said. “We have a visitor.”
Mairi hadn’t noticed the woman sitting ever so sophisticatedly in the other chair. She hadn’t made a sound, and there was the fact that she blend into the white upholstering.
“Hello Ms. Mairibelle,” the woman said, the scent of cherry blossom escaping her as she moved. “I am Miss Lo.”
Mairi nodded. She was almost frightened when Miss Lo stood, towering a good three feet above her.
“I hear that you were adopted by this family,” Miss Lo said. “And I shall like to know what you think of them.”
Mairi tilted her head a bit, her face exasperated.
“I love my family very much,” Mairi said. “They raised me ever since I could remember, and who are you to come barging in on my-”
“How old are you?” Miss Lo asked. She seemed to have remained calm during Mairi’s sudden outburst. This made Mairi catch her tongue.
“Eighteen in exactly one month,” Mairi’s mother answered for her. “She’s a good girl Miss Lo. What is it you want?”
Miss Lo reached out a long tree-like limb and lifted a lock of Mairi’s hair. It was a dark mud brown. Miss Lo then let go of her hair and took a step back. Mairi felt quite uncomfortable with the woman studying her. Mairi’s mother seemed to be perspiring nervously as she lifted a handkerchief slowly to dab at her forehead.
“What is your full name Ms. Mairibelle?” Miss Lo said finally.
“None of your business Miss Lo,” Mairi said. She then curtsied and left the room irritably.
“Let me show you the way out,” Mairi’s mother said to Miss Lo softly. Miss Lo nodded as Mrs. Mallard guided her towards the stairs Mairi had just gone down.
Mairi stormed through the bakery making sure that everyone knew she was angry and headed outside to Market Square.
Just as she slammed the gate shut behind her, one of her sisters came running out of the olive green bakery.
“Mairi,” she shouted. Mairi waited for a moment for her sister to catch up.
“What is it Stacy?” Mairi asked.
Stacy was much older than Mairi, and most times Stacy let her know it.
“Father wanted me to tell you that he needs more flour from the market,” she said smiling.
This probably means that Mr. Mallard asked Stacy but she’s too lazy to go, thought Mairi.
“Alright I’ll go,” Mairi said quietly and began walking up the cobblestone path to the market. Stacy smiled again and strode back to the bakery.
Market Square was bustling with people when Mairi arrived. It smelt of raw fish and fruits of all sort.
“Flour,” Mairi said to herself. She quickly walked over to one of the stands and began to browse. The hot sun was quickly vanishing behind the sea and masts of ships as she went slowly through every stand.
It became suddenly colder as the moon pushed the rest of the sun beneath the choppy waves of the bay and a slight breeze began to pick up.
“Mairi,” one of the cabbage men said. “Mairi, how are you doing?”
Mairi looked up and smiled, not wanting to be rude.
“Hello Artimus,” she said. She walked over to Artimus who instantly began to talk.
“Mairi, have you heard about Avonia, how they’re having a war with the Rashian and Craccians?”
“Yes, I think I read that somewhere,” Mairi said. Mr. Mallard had told her early that morning actually.
“Well the Rashians are even calling the Wicked in to help since the ruler of the Wicked is one of the Kujakies’ sons!” Artimus said.
Mairi shivered at the thought of the Wicked being so near. They were ruthless heartless killers. That’s what the gossiping worker at the bakery said at least.
“Oh and you won’t believe this one bit Mairi,” Artimus said. He waved a hand at her, implying she had to lean in to hear. “The Witches and Wizards are taking different sides all over the place. You know how they are. They’re fickle anyway.”
Mairi began to pull away, but Artimus pulled her back in.
“And Mairi, you should get back home soon, you know how the Witches and Wizards come out... and kill the young people.”
Mairi nodded and backed away and as soon as Artimus carted far enough away, she began to run back home.
“Damn it,” swore under her breath. “Forgot the flour!”
Mairi turned on her heals and sped back to the market.
It was empty, much like a hungry stomach, with an eerie quietness that engulfed the Market Square.
“Mrs. Kingsburry,” Mairi said quietly. She leaned over the stand and Mrs. Kingsburry suddenly popped up with a basket full of all sorts of things, including the flour.
“Yes Doll?” Mrs. Kingsburry was collecting things from her stand and filling her basket with them. she took a long piece of bread and began putting into her basket. It fit perfectly. Almost like magic.
“Mrs. Kingsburry I need some flour-”
“Here you are doll, that would be one copper,” Mrs. Kingsburry said.
Mairi took the flour and held it under one arm as she fished through her apron pocket with the other. She finally withdrew a small amount of copper, dumping it into Mrs. Kingsburry’s hand.
“Only three doll,” she said, reaching forward to give two back.
Mairi shook her head.
“No, that’s for helping me so late in the evening,” Mairi said. “Have a good night.”
Mairi fumbled with the flour for a moment and walked back down the road to Mallard’s Bakery.
“Such a sweet girl,” She heard Mrs. Kingsburry whisper.
Mairi watched as a coach went by. The horses snorted as they pulled repressively faster down the road.
“Whoa!” the coachman shouted. The two horses whinnied as they flung the coach around the bend and disappeared, their cantering hooves fading quickly away into the fog down Baiter Street.
Mairi was clutching the flour to her chest, breathing quickly. She had never seen such evil looking horses. Their eyes were beat red, shining maliciously at her.
Must be a Witch or Wizard in there, she thought.
She then moved numbly forward. She had forgotten her shawl and the usual temperatures were dropping a bit for the oncoming winter. She shivered and looked up at the stars.

The street lamps suddenly flickered on and lit the once dark street into an orange haze. The rows of houses lined one after another seemed to dance in the contrasting moon against the street lights.
A pair of soldiers walked by in their silver velvet suits with their muskets hung over their shoulder. The soldiers were sent to keep the Witches and Wizards in line as their festivities take place in Celeron Center, right by the beach.
Mairi walked past the soldiers hurriedly, trying to avoid confrontation when one of the soldiers suddenly spun around and stood in front of her.
“Hey there,” he said. He was grinning flirtatiously at her. “Where are you off to?”
“Please let me go,” Mairi said. She sounded small and helpless which only encouraged the man to press on.
“My names Clifton,” the man said. “What might yours be?”
“You don’t need to know,” Mairi snapped. “Now get out of my way.”
Clifton raised an eyebrow and smirked.
“How cute,” he said.
The soldier that he had been walking with teetered over to them smiling.
“Who’s she?” he asked. He glanced down at her chest.
She wanted to toss the flour at both of their heads and then triumphantly kick them in the groin, but she was too clumsy and too afraid to move.
“Look,” the other soldier said. “I think we’ve scared her stiff.”
Clifton reached forward and stroked the side of her face. She flinched and slapped his hand away.
“You shouldn’t be assaulting a superior officer,” he said callously.
“Don’t talk to me,” Mairi said.
“Don’t talk to me like that, wench-”
Mairi tried to move around them, but Clifton reached out a long arm and stopped her.
“Let go of me,” Mairi said. She pounded at his chest, which did no good since he was armored.
Clifton then leaned forward and pushed his lips firmly to hers. Mairi clawed at his suit, trying to break free.
Clifton let go of her and she punched him in the nose.
“You bastard,” she cried.
Clifton lift up his arm and quickly struck her across the cheek leaving Mairi stunned. Even Clifton’s friend seemed to let his mouth hand agape in astonishment.
“Leave me alone,” Mairi said, brushing past them.
She was relieved that neither of them followed her. Off in the distance the clock struck seven times, making Mairi speed up until she was nearly running home. She didn’t mind anyway. The Market Square became quite eerie at dusk. The cackle of a Witch could be heard down by Celeron Center.
When Mairi got home she went through the front of the store, dumping the flour on the counter, and went upstairs to the living room to sit. It sounded that everyone in the house was asleep as they should be- it was eight o’clock- and all the lights were off except for the kitchen and living room lamps. With a low growl from her stomach she slowly got up and went to the kitchen getting down some sliced bread and apple butter.
As she sat down at the very long dining table, where she usually sat, in the middle, a door opened in the hallway that led either to the stairs or the living room and then was shut. Shuffling feet could be heard as Mairi took a bite of her apple butter slathered toast.
“Mairi,” a small child’s voice called.
A little girl walked in sucking her thumb. It was the youngest of the Mallard household.
“Paisley,” Mairi said. “Come here, what’s the matter?”
“I missed you,” the little girl said. She was shyly hiding away behind her blanket which was properly named Blankie. “So did Blankie.”
“Well would like some,” Mairi asked, nodding her head towards the toast and apple butter. Paisley nodded, grinning. She was missing her two front teeth which made all the older woman customers coo at her.
Mairi handed Paisley the toast, slathered with the jam and watched as the girl gobbled it down.
“Milk?” Mairi asked.
Paisley nodded, apple butter rimming her small pink lips.
“You look like Miss Dina from the barbers shop,” Mairi said smiling. She handed Paisley a spoon to look at her reflection. She began to giggle.
“I think I look like the Princess Gwendella,” Paisley added.
“Yes you do,” Mairi said, handing Paisley the milk. She chugged the glass of milk as fast as she at the bread.
“What’s a matter,” Mairi asked. “Didn’t you get dinner?”
“No. I wouldn’t eat it because you weren’t there,” Paisley said softly.
Mairi knew Paisley had always been fond of her. She had practically raised the child.
“Mairi, can you show me and Blankie that magic trick you can do?” Paisley asked.
“Sure,” Mairi said.
Paisley leaned forward, putting her thumb in her mouth as she watched Mairi begin the trick.
Mairi positioned her hand parallel with each other, one north one south, and began to wiggle her fingers slowly.
“Hold on,” Mairi said suddenly.
Paisley watched as Mairi both hand’s fingers snapped and instantly shot out a small green flame. Mairi then made the same parallel position with her hands as before and began rotating them, north to east then east to south then back up to north. The green flame formed into a green ball.
The flames that flickered on the nearby candlesticks flickered as if they were as excited to watch as Paisley. Mairi’s hand rotating sped up until she finally pulled her hands apart, the flame following, stretching like taffy. She then began to move her hands in a circular forward motion. The green flame turned from green to a dark blue then to an even darker purple. It looked like silk spun by a spider now as it became thinner and longer. Mairi then to one end of her flaming jump-rope and attached it to one of the excited candle sticks.
“Paisley, play jump- rope with me,” Mairi said.
Paisley hesitantly stepped out of her chair.
“Don’t be afraid,” Mairi said. “I won’t let it hurt you.”
With Mairi’s word, Paisley bounded in and began jumping.
“Bagels and fruit cake, these are the things we make…one, two, three, four, five, and six…we make the best apple cakes by candle sticks…” Paisley and Mairi sang this verse in unison as Paisley jumped over the fiery rope.
A door suddenly burst open startling both girls. Mairi held her hand steady as the flame released from the candle stick and shot back into her hand with a small fizzle of smoke. Just then a man dressed in a maroon and black robe walked into the kitchen.
“Hello Daddy,” Paisley said, running up to the man. Mr. Mallard opened his arms and lifted Paisley high in the air then kissed her on her forehead.
“Hello Sir,” Mairi said.
“Hello Mairi,” he said. “I have something to tell you. Let me get Paisley in bed and I’ll get back to you shortly.”
“Yes Sir,” Mairi said nodding.
Mr. Mallard shuffled back out of the kitchen into the living room and into the hallway of many rooms.
Mairi waited patiently, wondering what it was Mr. Mallard wanted to talk about. After a few more minutes of waiting Mairi wandered over to the balcony and watched the busy magical festivities of Celeron Circle down below.
“Its quite nice out isn’t it?”
Mairi jumped at Mr. Mallard’s voice and turned around to face him.
“Don’t be so skittish,” he scolded.
“Sorry Sir,” Mairi said. She paused a minute, then…“What was you want to talk about?”
Mr. Mallard smiled.
“I have decided to marry three of my daughters off,”
“That is wonderful,” Mairi said. “I bet you picked Stacy or Belle…or I bet you picked Dirah, they’re all very beautiful.”
“Yes and no,” Mr. Mallard said. “I will tell you who I picked. I have picked Dirah… Belle… and you.”
Mairi tilted her head curiously and forced a smile.
“Why so quiet? - I thought you might be excited,” Mr. Mallard said.
“I just- I well- thank you Sir,” Mairi said. “Is that all?”
“Don’t you want to know who I have married you off to?”
“N- Yes of course,” Mairi said.
“Clifton Sykes, the soldier that patrols down by Celeron Circle-”
“I know him,” Mairi said slowly. “I talked with him today when I went out to Market Square.”
For the first time in ages, Mairi saw Mr. Mallard’s face light up a bit.
“What a wonderful start,” Mr. Mallard said, beaming. “Goodnight my darling.”
And with quick peck on her cheek Mr. Mallard left, and fled upstairs to the master bedroom.
Mairi trudged to her bedroom. How horrid, she thought slipping into her room, closing the door behind her. I hate that stupid Clifton and now I have to marry him.
“Well how ungrateful am I being,” Mairi said slipping out of her day dress. “I’m being selfish.”
Her mind raced back to the Clifton Sykes she encountered down at Baiter Street. She shivered right into her nightgown. There was no way she was going to marry such a cruel man.
It then occurred to Mairi that she had been exploited by Mr. Mallard. She remembered that the only two family members of the Mallards that seemed to dislike her were Stacy the third eldest and Mr. Mallard. He always pressed her into calling him Sir, never father. It was, after all, Mrs. Mallard who took her in. Mr. Mallard was no doubt getting rid of her.
At the very thought of marrying Clifton Sykes, made Mairi shiver again.
“I’m running away,” She decided. “I will do something with myself, not be stuck with this darn bakery.”
Without so much as another thought, Mairi began to pack all her things into a small rucksack. She wouldn’t waste one moment in fear of Mr. Mallard someway tricking her into staying. He was a smart man and always knew what to say.
With the last of her things shoved into the small rucksack, Mairi made her way out into the hallway and down the stairs. She left through the back door of the bakery, as to not make the sound of the bell in the front go off, and headed off into the night.
When life hands you lemons.....stuff them in your bra...
Dear Edward,
Piss off you poser
,Dracula

Do you bite your thumb at me Sir?!
My mama used to say life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gunna get...




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Points 4815
Reviews 45
I think it's a good start to a blooming story. There were a few grammar mistakes though, but they can be fixed. Another thing is near the beginning the woman, Miss Lo, called her Ms. I believe you meant to put Miss. Ms. is for a woman who doesn't wish to reveal her marriage status, sometimes also meaning she is widowed. Throughout the story you seemed rushed, like you were trying to get to something more important. You have to slow down when you write, allow yourself to grant the character a moment to think and describe the character's surrounds, though you did a decent job of describing. Those are the things that popped up at me the most. But I think it's a good beginning and I want to know more! Keep it up!
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony




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Points 58538
Reviews 553
Hi. I am here to review. I loved the concept of the story and the setting. I could actually imagine all this and for some time I was transported to a beautiful place. I loved the names of the characters including that of protagonist. Some mistakes though: :?

Quetseli said:
Throughout the story you seemed rushed, like you were trying to get to something more important. You have to slow down when you write, allow yourself to grant the character a moment to think and describe the character's surrounds, though you did a decent job of describing.

I agree with Quetseli. You seem ti be rushing with the story. You should have taken some time to express others, how they look and more about surroundings. Although, whatever you did was fantastic. I loved it.


In the land of Noradia, everything was blooming and the sky, a Mediterranean blue seemed to blend into the ocean.

Beautiful simile dear. Nice thought.

At the top platform, Mairi stood at the intersection of three other doors, one to her left, right, and in front of her an archway.


She took a long piece of bread and began putting into her basket. It fit perfectly. Almost like magic.

“Let go off me,” Mairi said. She pounded at his chest, which did no good since he was armored.

Clifton let go off her and she punched him in the nose.


After a few more minutes of waiting, Mairi wandered over to the balcony and watched the busy magical festivities of Celeron Circle down below.


“Its quite nice out, isn’t it?”

Overall: You wrote so much for your one post. You could have shorten this.
PM me when you have more.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Reviews 31
Thanks you guys, I'[ll definetly fix those things...but i'll have to do it next monday :(
Because my baby (my laptop) has died on me :thud: ... But we're getting it fixed,! :smt005
All is good in the world of Skittles! :elephant:
When life hands you lemons.....stuff them in your bra...
Dear Edward,
Piss off you poser
,Dracula

Do you bite your thumb at me Sir?!
My mama used to say life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gunna get...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
I am happy that I could help you out. Do PM me when you come up with next chapter. many people just start off with a story, make people interested and drop it halfway. That's so damn frustrating. Even I did this once for my one story.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Atticus