Huntress~(rewrite)3

3
William




New students. Two new students. Two new FEMALE students. This day can’t get any worse.
I take my seat at the boys’ table. Around me, the rest of the guys file in around me.
“Hey, Will.” A slap on my back bought Jack, my best friend.
“Hey, Jack.” I said. His messy, blonde hair glowed in the sunlight. He sits beside me and passes me a plate.
“Did ya hear about those two new girls?” He asks. I nod.
“Stoker girls.” I say. Already, I’m automatically typing them as two blonde girls who only care for their nails.
“Yeah. Weaklings.” Jack says contempously. I guess he’s doing the same. His deep blue eyes darken, then lighten. He chews, like he’s deep in thought. I’m daydreaming, thinking about those two new girls.
I’m assaulted by the image of the girl again. Long black hair with reddish highlights, big golden eyes. Her lips are a deep, sexy red.
“Hello? Hello?” I can hear Jack saying. I ignore him. I shut my eyes, trying to hold on to the image.
“What?” I snap. Jack scoots away form me. I roll my eyes.
“Sorry,” I say without feeling, “Now what?”
“Do you know when they’re coming?” He asks. I shrug. It seems like the whole mess hall is alive with chatter. It seems like these two girls were bringing a buzz to Adams.
Jack looks at the girls table. They are huddled together tightly, the sheens of their hair dancing in the sunlight from the open windows.
“I think they may be planning initiation.” Jack says with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
“Which means we’ll be down two girls by the end of the week.” I finish. I nod my approval. Our Headmistress, Maria, steps up to the front of the room. That’s our cue to fall silent.
“Welcome, students.” Her gravelly voice rings through both tables. We look at her. Her black hair shines dully. Her smile lights up the room on her own. She was radiant.
“As you know, two girls from another school will be joining us.” She said, “I want you all to be on your best behavior when they arrive.” A burst of giggles come from the girls table. Maria looks at them sharply, She doesn’t have to say a word, just stare sharply at them. They all shut up.
“Good, now I want you to treat them with the utmost respect because one of those girls is my daughter.” Maria finishes. The buzz of speech rises again and this time, Maria can’t stop it. Her daughter.
“Her daughter? That’s means the girls is gonna be kick ass!” Jack said. I stop him.
“She may not be.” I say, “I wonder why she’s being moved.” Jack wrinkles his nose. I can tell he’s thinking about something. But he changes the subject.
“Did you find what you’re looking for?” He asks. I nod and pull out my cell phone. Scrolling through the pictures, I show him the symbols on the cave wall.
“Freaky, dude.” He said.
I shrug, “Not really. You just have to understand them.” Jack stares at me, his intense blue eyes burning holes in my pupils.
“What do they mean?” He asks.
“What binds in blood will free her soul, among other things.” I translate. I snap my phone shut. Jack nods, pretending to understand.
“I don’t get it either.” I shrug. “How am I supposed to know ‘who’ and ‘what?’” The great doors are pushed open and two girls are standing there. One is small, with pale blond hair. She looks around, huge brown eyes taking everything in. We lock eyes and she narrows hers. The other girl has long black hair with deep red undertones. Shes tall and graceful, like a cat. She nudges the other girl and whispers something to the other girl. They laugh. Maria walks over to them.
“Is that them?” Jack asked. I look at him.
“I’d guess, by the way dark-hair is hugging Maria.” I reply. Jack is fully turned around in his seat. She’s staring right at me.
“I’m gonna go introduce myself.” I say, getting up from my spot. Jack watches as I make my way over to the new girls.
“Ah, William.” Maria says, “This is my daughter, Bronwyn, and her friend Josephine.” Bronwyn and I lock eyes. Her eyes are a beautiful shade of gold. It’s her. Bronwyn is the girl.

Hello! I haven't read the previous chapters, nor have I read the original chapter three. However, I figure I could give some pointers to help beef this up!

Mainly by the phrase "beef up," I mean description. At the moment, you have a really neat idea, or skeleton. Now we have to portray this idea clearly and concisely so that it makes sense to the reader. Description will help the flow of the story so that it's easier to read. The clearer the picture, the easier to read! It's like writing a movie, right?

So for example where we could beef this up, and which could also help characterization, is the topic of discussion among characters. (I'm guessing they're at lunch?) I dunno about you, but I usually see guys talking about other things besides girls. And though they may find interesting the fact that two new girls are coming to school, they probably wouldn't much care. The MC might be a little more interested at the end when he notices the one girl is just like the girl in his dreams (which is why I find that part appropriate), they're still guys. In fact, they're still kids. They'll talk about their interests besides girls, unless girls are their hobby. >_>

Speeches are hard to write, especially if we get stage fright. However, when we're writing about a character who has to speak in front of people with such authority as Maria what's-her-face, it should be more organized and sound more natural. At school, would your principal walk in front of the entire school and announce that their kid is new to the school so behave or else? Nah, unless the principal is really full of themselves or abnormally self-conscious(in other words, a loser), they'd let their kid fit in themselves. The principal would talk to the entire school for a more serious reason, such as school announcements are warnings.

Finally, work on smoothing out the connections between the main points of this chapter. Imagine this scene in, perhaps, an everyday school cafeteria or even Harry Potter's Great Hall. There's a lot more happening than just talk about the Chamber of Secrets. You've got Collin Creevey, you've got food, food, and more food, you've other Gryffindors, you've got Quidditch, and tons more other subplots or topics you could mention that are more natural to the characters, better show who the characters are, and help keep the story moving, giving it a realistic feel.

Hopefully this all makes sense. I really do like the idea you have though! That one girl makes me wonder because of her odd eye color. Hopefully, the MC won't, like, die. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!