"The Mythology Club"

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Prologue

“What are you still doing in bed?” A voice cried out, whacking my head with a foreign object. Opening my eyes, I saw Asami-nee with a rolled-up newspaper in her hand. Joy. Why does she love to bother me while I sleep? I pulled the covers over my face, hoping she’ll leave me alone. My prayers weren’t answered when something yanked the blanket off.

“I would do as she say if I were you,” a man advised. Great, Isamu-nii’s in the room too? What is this? “Bother Your Niece Day?” Kicking off what’s left of my covers, I greeted my auntie and uncle with a yawn.

“Good morning sleepyhead!” My aunt screamed merrily.

“Wouldn’t it kill you to wake me up later?”

“Nope! We--” she paused, dragging her husband towards my bed; not too sure if uncle wanted any part of this, but he would had his head cut off if he didn’t do as auntie said.

“Wouldn’t want want our favorite niece miss her first day of high school!”

Raising an eyebrow, I glanced at my calendar to the side, where a big, red circle was around the number three. Checking my watch, it said that today is April 3.

Aw man, I was hoping for one more day of relaxation! Oh well, no use in complaining now. Shooing my folks out, I washed my face, put on my contact lens, and dressed into the school’s winter uniform: navy blue blazer with long sleeves, white shirt, a silver tie, and navy blue pants.

Thank the people up in heaven for the school uniform policy.

Gazing into the mirror, I brushed my shoulder-length, jet-black hair into a short ponytail. While packing my utensils and putting on my watch, I managed to greet my late mother’s photo on the desk.

It always made me feel livelier, and life much easier thanks to her smile.

Hoshino Keiko was her name. I could never live up to her beauty and intelligence, but I ended up being the living image of her. Only more sarcastic, stubborn, and crafty. However, her cursed clumsiness was also something I inherited from her.

“Oi, Mizuki! You’re gonna be late!” Auntie roared from the first floor. Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face when I finished rushing down the stairs.

Dang. Already, my clumsiness kicked in.

“It’s only the first day, yet you’re all over the place.” Isamu commented slyly. On instinct, I kicked him in the stomach with a scowl, and he stumbled to the ground in pain.

Mission accomplished.

Wiping the dust off my clothes, I limped my way to the front door where Asami awaited me, holding a bento, wrapped in a red cloth. While tying my shoes, she and uncle, who’s still in pain, stood in front of me.

“Here! Your favorites!” She handed me my lunch, and I gladly took it. Suddenly, my body was pulled into a tight hug for a few seconds, then auntie broke it as her hands clasped my shoulders firmly.

“Have a great day,” she said, as uncle ruffled my hair.

With a smile, I replied, “I will!” As they moved to the side, I opened the door, and welcomed the warm sunlight on my olive skin. Staring at the blue sky, I knew this was going to be a great day.
"Remember, your imagination is the most valuable asset given by God."




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First off, I really liked this little snippet of hopefully what will be a great story. I thought it was really funny and I could especially feel the sarcasm coming through, which is often extremely hard to do in writing. I also liked the expressiveness of the characters. I always read stories with characters that are way too dry and boring. There were some awkward parts, though, like this one.
I could never live up to her beauty and intelligence, but I ended up being the living image of her.
I think you could have reworded it like
I never thought I could live up to her beauty and intelligence, but I ended up being the spitting image of her.
Something like that. There was also this part:
Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face when I finished rushing down the stairs.
The falling could be funny, but it was rushed. There wasn't enough build up to it. Overall, I thought the prologue was good and I can't wait to see how it ties into mythology.




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jayray829 wrote: There was also this part:
Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face when I finished rushing down the stairs.
The falling could be funny, but it was rushed. There wasn't enough build up to it. Overall, I thought the prologue was good and I can't wait to see how it ties into mythology.


I agree with jayray about this sentence, but the buildup before the falling is only needed to act as a counterweight to the 'finished rushing down the stairs'. If you put a period after the falling flat, there would be no need for a buildup, because there would be nothing to balance.

For instance: Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face. This is why people shouldn'y think of other things when racing down the stairs.

Or something. Achieving rhythm in a sentence can work both ways: by adding stuff to balance stuff, or by cutting away stuff so that it doesn't have to be balanced.
I liked the humor:)
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard




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jayray829 wrote:First off, I really liked this little snippet of hopefully what will be a great story. I thought it was really funny and I could especially feel the sarcasm coming through, which is often extremely hard to do in writing. I also liked the expressiveness of the characters. I always read stories with characters that are way too dry and boring. There were some awkward parts, though, like this one.
I could never live up to her beauty and intelligence, but I ended up being the living image of her.
I think you could have reworded it like
I never thought I could live up to her beauty and intelligence, but I ended up being the spitting image of her.
Something like that. There was also this part:
Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face when I finished rushing down the stairs.
The falling could be funny, but it was rushed. There wasn't enough build up to it. Overall, I thought the prologue was good and I can't wait to see how it ties into mythology.


Thank you very much for the critism! I'll take that into consideration!
"Remember, your imagination is the most valuable asset given by God."




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napalmerski wrote:
jayray829 wrote: There was also this part:
Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face when I finished rushing down the stairs.
The falling could be funny, but it was rushed. There wasn't enough build up to it. Overall, I thought the prologue was good and I can't wait to see how it ties into mythology.


I agree with jayray about this sentence, but the buildup before the falling is only needed to act as a counterweight to the 'finished rushing down the stairs'. If you put a period after the falling flat, there would be no need for a buildup, because there would be nothing to balance.

For instance: Snapping back to reality, I grabbed my black, school bag, and fell flat on my face. This is why people shouldn'y think of other things when racing down the stairs.

Or something. Achieving rhythm in a sentence can work both ways: by adding stuff to balance stuff, or by cutting away stuff so that it doesn't have to be balanced.
I liked the humor:)


I feel honored that a senior writer to read my writing! Thank you very much!
"Remember, your imagination is the most valuable asset given by God."



He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)