Yours Truly

Hair beautifully black
As a night at sea;
Skin, a pearl white,
Like the froth
of a majestic wave.
Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride
so stunning,
And your breath
so drawing.
I love the way your lips
shape your elegant words;
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past.
I love your beating heart
and your ever-ticking pulse,
With your adorable nose
and your perfect cheeky ears.
You make all my pain stop,
Just hold me close
In your warming arms;
and squeeze me tight.
Yours truly,
Ben.
-
Authors note: This is something I wrote for a girl and, erm, it did result in a happy little ending put it that way. First time I'd ever written a poem for a girl and I was SO nervous. It's not perfect, obviously, but it was to me! LOL, sorry that was cheesy... Just wondered what y'all thought!

Benny!

Ah girl poems...corny and cheesy, yet very effective in wooing so first off congrats on the girl, she's very lucky now on with the review!

Now the biggest thing is that it doesn't really have a flow to it, it just kinda "I love you, and everything about you." and all over the place.
But I think it's adorable, and sweet so good job with that .

Keep writing.

~Hope

Aww, Ben!

This is an adorable piece of poetry. I love your imagery; it's very vivid. This poem does get a bit sappy at times, but it all adds to the charm.

BenFranks wrote:Hair as beautifully black

I don't really like the use of "beautifully" in this line. Besides, beautiful is too broad an adjective to be used to describe something. Usually when an author says that something is beautiful, they go onto describe what makes that person or object beautiful. You really don't, so maybe, in addition to the simile, compare her hair to another black object. For instance, these first two lines could be rewritten as, "Hair, ebony-black, Like a night at sea." Just a suggestion.

Skin, a pearl white,

Wouldn't it just be, "pearl white"? If you want to keep 'a' in the line, maybe you could do, 'a pearl white shade'? What you have now just doesn't make sens

Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride so stunning,

The lines I quoted pretty much all state the same thing. I'd combine them so you only mention either 'walk' or 'stride', not both.

-
Hehe, it was a very cute poem otherwise!

PM me if you have any questions!

Au Revoir,
Elinor

Hey I liked it. I liked the first four lines because they were connected. The night at sea and the froth of a majestic wave. I thought that was nice. I felt like you were describing her a little too literal. It would have been great if you had compared all her features to the ocean as well. Like;

you breath soothes me like the sound of waves.
You have me S.O.S in your eyes.
Your laughter like the colorful radiance of a coral reef.

ok so those obviously weren't perfect but you know what I mean? I think it'd be really cool if you did something like that. But, it's your poem and it's dedicated to your girl so it's all good.

Egads, you must practically worship this girl, judging by the shameless flattery in this poem.

I guess it works for some girls, but I personally prefer less cheesy content
Congrats, Mr Hormonal

Hahaha

Lol, love the feedback guys! And thanks, *well-happy* Lol.

Hey there!
I liked it...overall quite a good poem. The imagery was fantastic. However, I had a slight problem with "Your small, cute nose." The simplicity of this line didn't seem to mesh with the rest. Other than that, good job. I always love your work.

Nice poem not moving nor is it cliche, but a steady balance of the two.

Hola =D

So, you don't have to be extremely precise about capitalizing. You don't capitalize every word in a sentence do you? XD So each and every single line doesn't have to be capitalized unless, of course, there's a period before it

It's sweet, and I'd love to be on the receiving end of a poem one day, but I thought you could make it a little more original than you did. Pretty much everything I read that has to do with love has the "hold me in your arms" and "beating heart" stuff.

I guess I'm saying that it was stiff because it wasn't personal. As in, put more of yourself and her into it. Physical compliments are nice, but what about personality? Your relationship to her? Her feelings? As a girl, it's what I'd like to hear about, rather than "you're so cute" type of stuff.

So try making it more personal based uniquely on her. (What has she got that no other girl holds for you?)

I enjoyed your similes though ^_^
~Peanut

Thankyou (:

Here Ben. All changes are in red. Personally, I love this piece. It is so innocent and beautiful. Hope everything works out.

Hair beautifully black
As a night at sea;
Skin, a pearl white,
Like the froth
of a majestic wave.
Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride
so stunning,
And your breath
so drawing.
I love the way your lips
Shape your elegant words;
The way your eyes
Dress your mysterious past.
I love your beating heart
And your ever-ticking pulse,
With your adorable nose
And your perfect cheeky ears.
You make all my pain stop,
Just hold me close
In your warming arms;
And squeeze me tight.
Yours truly,
Ben.-

I actually love those changes- Thanks Kay!