Stranger In My Eyes

I’ve fallen too far deep,
Where I can no longer find my way,
Doing things I know I shouldn’t,
Saying things I shouldn’t say.

Sometimes I feel hurt,
Sometimes I feel glad,
These emotions are not making any sense,
Now I wish I never had.

I couldn’t lie anymore,
I couldn’t fake the reason,
Because when a heart breaks,
No it don’t break even.

I knew in the end,
That I’d be the one who’d hurt,
I broke up with you last,
But you broke up with me first.

You know what they say,
Looks can be deceiving,
I judged you by your cover,
And then I started believing.

One thing I’m sure of,
And this now I know,
I was fooled with looks,
Because you I do not know.

I really like the idea behind this. It's something that everyone goes through at one point or another. The problem when you write about a topic like this is that it can be a little cliché. Try to make this more original. Add something that makes it your own and shines a new light on the situation.

I hope that makes sense. I'm not the best at explaining how I feel.

I couldn’t lie anymore,
I couldn’t fake the reason,
Because when a heart breaks,
No it don’t break even.

This really stuck out to me. I know those two lines came from a song. You should try to come up with your own lines.

I know I may sound harsh right now, but I'm not trying to. I did like your poem but it just sounds like so many others I've read.

Hey! Wow, I actually kinda loved this...

I’ve fallen too far deep,
Where I can no longer find my way,
Doing things I know I shouldn’t,
Saying things I shouldn’t say.

I like this one. Just change the second comma to a period.

Sometimes I feel hurt,
Sometimes I feel glad,
These emotions are not making any sense,
Now I wish I never had.

This one is mostly alright. The third line is a bit too long, and it messes up your meter. If you fix that, this will be good. Also, second comma, once again, needs to be a period.

I couldn’t lie anymore,
I couldn’t fake the reason,
Because when a heart breaks,
No it don’t break even.

I like this one.

I knew in the end,
That I’d be the one who’d hurt,
I broke up with you last,
But you broke up with me first.

This is my least favorite. "You broke up with me"? Come one! Be a tad bit more creative. And grr! Second comma! It needs to be a period!

You know what they say,
Looks can be deceiving,
I judged you by your cover,
And then I started believing.

Love this one!Just change you second comma *sighs* to a period.

One thing I’m sure of,
And this now I know,
I was fooled with looks,
Because you I do not know.

This one isn't very good. You need a different rhyming word besides "know". Also, fix you second comma to a period!




Overall, very nice job. To me, this seemed a lot like music, and that's good. It means your meter is nicely placed.


Great job overall! Welcome to YWS!

--Dreamy

Hey there

I noticed that you haven't done any reviews. I don't want to seem like an annoying nitpicker or anything, but as well as posting your own work, you should review other people's work too! Just look around and find a few pieces of work to critique.

Anyway, your poem!
In my opinion, your poem is quite good!

I'll begin with the negatives, so I can get them out of the way!
Your poem is good, but on the other hand, it's rather cliche. Being cliche can be fine at times, as long as you make your poem original in some way.

I couldn’t lie anymore,
I couldn’t fake the reason,
Because when a heart breaks,
No it don’t break even.

Like Brainychick said, two of the lines from this stanza are actually from a song. The Script... Breakeven...?

Now, on to the positives!
Your grammar seems to be pretty much up to scratch, any mistakes you have done have been pointed out by other reviewers.

I’ve fallen too far deep,
Where I can no longer find my way,
Doing things I know I shouldn’t,
Saying things I shouldn’t say.

This was probably my favourite stanza! The second line needs a period, not a comma, but except for that, I think that it's really good!

Overall, I enjoyed your poem. You just need to polish it up a bit, make it a bit more original, and then, you'll end up with a really good poem!

Keep writing!
Meg xoxo

Thanks for the feedback, I shall work on those points mentioned. First thing first, no more stealing lines from songs, from now on I'll try and keep it original. Secondly, what's a period? Is it ';' I'm not too sure, I'm pretty new at this.

Stranger in My Eyes was a sweet and sad poem. And it told a story that's similiar to many other peoples' out there. I like how you posed this person as a "stranger" because you get the idea that you honestly barely knew the person when you claimed that you'd been close. It was told with heart, and I liked it, good solid poem.

Aw thankyou SilentOllie, I really appreciated your comment