One -- That Green Gentleman

The first chapter in what will be a story written over the span of fifteen days. Written in haste. ^^

I
It was just the kind of day that I loved. The sun, bright in all it’s afternoon glory, reflected off of the turquoise-blue sea, while thick puffy clouds marched along overhead. It was beautiful. And as I climbed the hill up towards the Last Quarter, I dawdled. Just to see the seals on the shore waddle along and bark cheerfully at each other, though I was too far away to clearly hear their cries.
“Won’t you hurry, Imp? You’re taking an hour!” Jackson’s voice broke through my pleasant thoughts and brought me firmly back to my position, struggling under the weight of an armload of none-too-light firewood that made me stagger, and nearly tossed me back down the hill more then once.
Wait, before I get ahead of myself, you do at least have the right to know who I am. My name isn’t really Imp, but that’s what Jackson and Mam call me a lot of the time. My name is Elijah, Elijah Steppe, but more often called Imp.
“I am hurrying!” I called back, though I’m not sure if he heard me, as it came out a good deal more like a grunt then a shout. Why had I felt so strong back at the firewood pile. ‘Oh, I can carry more.’ Was close to my exact wording.
I could almost hear Jackson roll his eyes.
But he didn’t have to wait much longer, as I soon arrived at the top of the hill, stumbling and quite out of breath, but able to dump the armload of logs on the top of the pile that was slowly gathering shape beside the door of the inn.
“Not so strong now, Imp?” Jackson asked with good humored smile, though I have to say that I did not take his comment kindly and frowned at him as fiercely as I could manage, but wit was difficult to remain angry with him.
Jackson was my older brother, and I wished I was more like him. In many ways, but mostly in his looks. He took after our father. Tall, strong, handsome, with thick wavy black hair and firm, but kind features. Everyone liked him, but especially the girls.
Everyone said I looked more like Mam. My hair was as black as Jackson’s, but straight as could be and always a little untidy. Pa said I looked like an imp or pixie, with a little turned up nose and sharp features. More unkind people always declared that I looked like a born trouble-maker, although I’ll tell you now that I really do try to keep out of trouble. But it doesn’t work sometimes, often in front of the unkind people too.
“Come on, boys, customers should be arriving soon and you know they won’t wait for no one.”
Jackson turned, and I looked around him to see Mam standing in the doorway of the Last Quarter, hands planted on her hips and eyeing us with an expression that might have been trying to be cross, but her smile gave it away that she wasn’t really angry at all.
Mam looked different then anyone else in our family. Everyone could easily point out that Pa, Jackson and I were related, but they could have thought that she was our stepmother for the lack of resemblance was so obvious. Her hair was a light, flaxen blond while her eyes instead of been the brownish-black color the rest of us possessed they were bright, bright blue and always seemed to be smiling.
“Yes, Mam.” Jackson said with a nod, turning and disappearing into the dimness of the inn, while I hurriedly straightened up and tried to act like I could carry several dozen more armloads of firewood up the hill. But of course, Mam smiled at me in a way that told me she knew I was just acting and gave me a small wink before following Jackson inside.
The rest of the hour before the sun began to set and customers began to arrive was spent washing the tables and setting out chairs with Jackson, while the delicious aroma of cooking stew floated from the kitchen to our noses and made our stomachs growl.
Then just I was finishing with the sweeping, the door of the Last Quarter Inn opened in a burst of cool, salty smelling air and a man swept into the room.
Most of the people that arrived at the inn on an evening like the one that was just beginning were locals from the town in the cove that our inn looked down upon. Some of them were fishermen who came from the other side of cliff opposite us, and very few were sailors who had just stopped in the modest port for resupplying and drinking before setting off again in the morning. But I knew that sort of man. Not only had I never laid eyes on this person in my life, but I had never encountered his type.
He closed the door behind him with a flourish before turning towards me in a whirl of green silk. “Good evening, my boy, and what a fine evening it shall be, don’t you agree?” the man’s voice was clear and musical, the kind that you never heard angry. He reminded me a good deal of my mam, with his pale and rather long golden blond hair, and bright eyes. Though his were a flashing green. In fact, he seemed to flash, twirl and flourish a good deal, and I had barely known him for a moment. Though I should learn later that everything he did was done with a flash, twirl and flourish.
“G-Good day, sir.” I managed to gasp out, feeling much like a fish out of water, as I had been standing quite frozen with the broom still in my hand and my chin probably somewhere near my knees.
The gentleman – for I thought that he must be something of the like – was looking around the room with a fairly pleased expression, one finger against the side of his chin. I took this time to regain my wits and put on what I hoped was a rather less stupid expression by the time he turned back to me.
“You have a fine establishment here, my boy. Or so I have been told by the scoundrels and hooligans down in the town.” With a dramatic sigh he pressed his hand to his forehead. “You have no idea what I have had to endure these past sunlit hours. Going from dirty person to dirty person and being given the most hostile looks…” and he continued to carry on in such a manner, speaking so quickly and using such unfamiliar words to me that I was quite unsure as to what to make of him.
“And then!” he was saying, hand away from his forehead, but leaning forwards with a most urgent expression. “You will never guessed what this one man said to me! He was horrendously rude and it went something like—“
“Simon!” Mam’s voice cut the strange gentleman off mid-sentence, and only then did he seem to have to pause for some breath before turning towards my mam, who was standing in the kitchen doorway with a wooden spoon in her hand. Looking surprised, but rather like she would have loved to whack the gentleman over the head with her spoon. Jackson was peering out from behind her, his expression as startled and unsure of what to make of this person as I had been. “What on earth are you doing here?”
“Gwyneth!” the gentleman exclaimed, his face lighting up like the sun as he took a step forwards, his arms opened as though he was going to embrace her. “It has been so long! Just look how grown up you are! Are these your sons? I heard that you’d gotten married but I did think—“ he had almost reached her when my mam whipped her spoon at his head and he let out a startled yelp before ducking out of the way, hastily retreating.
“What is you doing here?” Mam demanded, in the funny, rather off way of speaking that she had. She was giving the green gentleman a darker glare that she had even given the thieving fox who had made off with two of our chickens last winter, and that was the angriest I had ever seen her.
“I came to visit you.” He replied, sounding injured. “I was having a lovely conversation with your dear son here—“ at this, he clapped his hand down on my shoulder, and I was left feeling extremely awkward still holding the straw broom and trying to inch away from the gentleman, who smelled strongly of spices I couldn’t even put a name to, and trying not to be too rude. “—and telling him of all the horrible things I had to endure to get here and you aren’t even going to give me a warm welcome. “ he clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “I’m astonished at you.”
“Mam?” This was Jackson, his voice coming out little more then a whisper. “Should I know who this gay man is? Because I really don’t, and how does he know you?”
“I resent that.” The gentleman said, frowning at my brother, before Mam sighed.
“That is Simon Serafeim.” She said, crossing her arms and looking darkly at the man who still had his hand on my shoulder. “Unfortunately, your cousin.”

Hai!

The sun, bright in all it’s afternoon glory, reflected off of the turquoise-blue sea, while thick puffy clouds marched along overhead.

This means “it is”. You need “its” without an apostrophe.

‘Oh, I can carry more.’ Was close to my exact wording.

As you have double quotes for the dialogue in the rest of the chapter, you should use double here, instead of single. You should end the dialogue with a comma and a small letter, as bolded. ^_^

“Not so strong now, Imp?” Jackson asked with good humored smile, though I have to say that I did not take his comment kindly and frowned at him as fiercely as I could manage, but wit was difficult to remain angry with him.

This is very awkwardly worded. There’s too much information jammed close together, and you use words just for the sake of using words. You could condense it into something like, I did not take his comment kindly, but it was difficult to remain angry with him. You’ve said the character doesn’t like it, so it’s not entirely necessary to add an action, and there’s no need for “I have to say”, as it doesn’t do anything. There’s also a typo in italics – “wit” should be “it”, I think?

Jackson was my older brother, and I wished I was more like him. In many ways, but mostly in his looks. He took after our father. Tall, strong, handsome, with thick wavy black hair and firm, but kind features. Everyone liked him, but especially the girls.
Everyone said I looked more like Mam. My hair was as black as Jackson’s, but straight as could be and always a little untidy. Pa said I looked like an imp or pixie, with a little turned up nose and sharp features. More unkind people always declared that I looked like a born trouble-maker, although I’ll tell you now that I really do try to keep out of trouble. But it doesn’t work sometimes, often in front of the unkind people too.

This is very tell-y, and not very subtle. It doesn’t stick out too much, but it would be better if you could find another way of describing Imp, rather than just dumping a bundle load of description down.

Jackson turned, and I looked around him to see Mam standing in the doorway of the Last Quarter, hands planted on her hips and eyeing us with an expression that might have been trying to be cross, but her smile gave it away that she wasn’t really angry at all.

This paragraph is all one sentence, and as a result rather long-wided. See if you can break it up into smaller chunks.

Mam looked different then anyone else in our family.

I thought you said Imp looked like her?

~

Overall, this was quite well-written, but you do need to be careful with your sentence structure – some are really too long, and some are too short and ought to be joined on to another. Try reading it out loud, and that should help you get a feel of what works and what doesn’t. ^_^ I liked the characters; Imp especially has a good, strong voice, and Cousin Simon looks to be an interesting addition – I’m intrigued what will happen next now that he’s here.

PM me if you have any questions, and keep writing!

Hello Jokeless Jester! Firstly, listen to everything Wooster said, because it is absolutely right. I'll mention some different things.

Wait, before I get ahead of myself, you do at least have the right to know who I am. My name isn’t really Imp, but that’s what Jackson and Mam call me a lot of the time. My name is Elijah, Elijah Steppe, but more often called Imp.

a) The whole "oh, reader, wait, before I get ahead of myself" comes out sounding forced, awkward, and amateur-ish. That's not just your fault-- in my opinion, it's a bad idea for anyone to have their narrator directly address the reader until they really know what they're doing. So, avoid that.

b) This is tell-y, and an info-dump, albeit a miniature one. All of this information can be spread out through dialogue and the readers can use common sense to figure out that Imp is just a nickname. You can discreetly slip his real name in there somewhere, but "Hello, my name is ____" paragraphs never come out right.

I could almost hear Jackson roll his eyes.

Not sure what you were going for here, as eyes don't make a sound when they roll. You mean "I could almost see"? Word choice! Important stuff. Your sentences have to make logical, physical sense, even if they're sarcastic exaggerations like this.

As a general note, you're falling into the "telling instead of showing" trap, especially with the descriptions of each family member. That specific info, that Mam looks unrelated to everyone else, isn't immediately necessary or relevant, and you can find a more subtle way to work it in there than dumping paragraphs of appearance describing in the first chapter. The first chapter needs to hook readers in-- details come later.

Then just [as] I was finishing with the sweeping, the door of the Last Quarter Inn opened in a burst of cool, salty smelling air [comma] and a man swept into the room.

Forgotten word and forgotten comma!

You've got the basics of prose down, which is great! Right now you need to work on avoiding the dreaded info-dump and making sure to show us the story instead of tell us the tale. This is an article on showing/telling. Also, work on sentence fluency, like Wooster said-- you seem to like spontaneously dropping fragments into your narration. Fragments can be used very effectively when you're going for a short, choppy flow, but you're not, and they just leave the thought feeling unfinished. Here, for example:

He reminded me a good deal of my mam, with his pale and rather long golden blond hair, and bright eyes. Though his were a flashing green.

...who was standing in the kitchen doorway with a wooden spoon in her hand. Looking surprised, but rather like she would have loved to whack the gentleman over the head with her spoon.

Those are just two examples.

All in all, a solid start! Just make sure to keep your sentences crisp and clean, and be specific with the information you share in each chapter. Keep writing!

~Evi