To Find a Story

This is the prologue. I came up with this really quickly and I don't know if I should hold on to it or not, but I know for sure it needs a lot of work! Please critique!

"I’ve always wanted to have a story I could call my own,” I heard the words mingled together, clumsily said, not given what they deserved. As a writer, the kind that’s usually found near a computer with onion rings at hand, I knew what these words were in need of: praise and some tweaking.
The bag of onion rings seemed to just fall out of my hands as my fingers sloppily moved around the key board. As I continued my journey after those words I realized there really was no journey. Couldn’t words so beautiful have a story behind them? For a moment I doubted myself, thinking I had made a mistake the delete button could cure, but as I moved my index finger to that very button, I decided I had made a mistake for thinking I made a mistake.
I suppose a miracle didn’t happen causing me from not pressing that button, but in truth, nothing is a miracle itself. And then I thought, these words that one person can get so flustered with, from who were they sent? Was this all meant to happen, fate or whatever? What would happen? Could these words change my life? Could these words make more words which could change someone else’s life?
I quietly thought to myself-no. Everything is nothing. Words are really just that: nothing. And then I noticed I was pretty stupid to begin with because, actually, those words didn’t mean anything to me. I hadn’t spoken them, lived in them with my own skin. I had merely heard them. So I thought, why not found out what those words mean? I’ve already enveloped myself around them and I won’t forget them for a while, why not seal the letter?
So I acknowledged something I usually wouldn’t: Emily. She wouldn’t be a character, not in my story or anyone’s. She doesn’t have wit. Nevertheless, she had enough to say those words so I’ll give her some credit. Yet, Emily is still one of those people that go on with their lives happily content with being hidden in the white spaces of the page. Those people, if you don’t mind me saying, don’t have any story at all. To find a story within those people is to be one of the best writers on earth. I decided that very moment Emily would be my new target, a character breathing and walking on the black spaces. I would take the challenge.
“What did you just say?” I asked her. Emily glanced up from a book and I saw her face clearly for the first time. So… boring. There was nothing there. No emotion that I could happily write out or even pretty eyes for god’s sake! For the first time, I had no story, just endless brown hair and brown eyes and not much besides.
“Oh, nothing,” she murmured, eyes returning to the book.
“Are you sure? I heard something,” I insisted, “I think it came from you.”
“I said I want a story!” I could tell she was holding back tears. I hated when that happened, a big lump forms at the back of your throat and everything feel so stupid. Emily didn’t seem so boring anymore. She seemed real. “It’s stupid, just… I’m….I want to be like them,” she pointed to the cover of my favorite book, Lord of the Rings. I nodded, not really understanding. I felt like an intruder, messing into someone else’s story. Like if Harry just jumped into Alice’s rabbit hole or something.
“Your heart’s beating, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you breathing?”
“Well of course!”
“Well, that’s a story!” I thought.
“No, it’s not. I feel so stupid, just, forget me.”
“A lot of people have forgotten you, but I’m not” I announced, “I'm going to find your story.”

Okay, nitpicks first.

winie603 wrote:The bag of onion rings seemed to just fall out of my hands as my fingers sloppily moved around the key board. As I continued my journey after those words I realized there really was no journey.

Technically, there's nothing really wrong with this, but I'm just the kind of person who gets distracted by small things. You used "as" twice within a short period of time. Things like this distract me. I repeat word often, like this, but immediately remove one word when I find it. It will flow much more nicely if you would. Personally, I would change it to, "The bag of onion rings seemed to just fall out of my hands as my fingers sloppily moved around the keyboard. Continuing my journey after those words, I realized there really was no journey." You could word it as you wish, but that's just the first thing that came to mind using your exact words.

winie603 wrote:And then I thought, these words that one person can get so flustered with, from who were they sent?

Oh, this is something that really gets under my skin. In your sentence, it should be "from whom" instead of "from who." it wouldn't bother me nearly as much if you wouldn't have put the from before the who. I wouldn't have noticed it as readily. I don't always get my whoms and whos correct, but there's a simple trick that I always use when the choice is debatable that works 99% of the time. If you were to rephrase the question into a statement, and replace "who" with he/she and him/her, you will find out which to use. For instance, "from who were they sent from?" Change that to, "They were sent from . . ." Now substitute the "who" with either set of pronouns. When you use he/she, the correct term would be "who." When you use him/her, the correct term would be "whom." "They were sent for him," This is the correct version. I always remember which to use because of the he/him. Use the longer pronoun with the longer choice, use the shorter pronoun with the shorter choice. He goes with who. Him goes with whom.

winie603 wrote:“Yeah.”
“Are you breathing?”
“Well of course!”
“Well, that’s a story!” I thought.
“No, it’s not. I feel so stupid, just, forget me.”
“A lot of people have forgotten you, but I’m not” I announced, “I'm going to find your story.”

In your dialogue, you should put commas at the end of statements.

Other than a few grammatical mistakes, that's it!

Okay, the worst part is out of the way. I know when someone puts a lot of nitpicks on a review, it will discourage you, but don't let it. Learn form your mistakes, and take what the reviewer is giving you as encouragement. If we didn't like your piece, we wouldn't be reviewing it! I liked your story a lot. It really made me think about writing. When authors mold characters throughout a story, they mold people. We become attached to those characters, sort of like imaginary friends. They become people you don't want to let go of. But then what happens to the friends of the characters? They just fade into oblivion, without as much as a farewell. This is especially true for stories that you write on your own. I get very attached to my characters, and don't want to let them go. As writers, we create individuals, people with aspirations and fears - even if they're just the less-attractive sidekick.

I want to know what you are planning on doing with Emily. You end your piece in a way that keeps the reader on edge. That's good. Most of your mistakes are grammatical, and those can be easily fixed. You've got nothing to worry about, kid. You've got a lot of talent. If you keep writing, you'll notice a remarkable difference in just a year. I know when I was twelve, I wasn't nearly as talented as you are. You're promising. Keep it up.

With all of my non-stalkerish love,
Beth

A thing about what outofthebox said about dialogue commas, you only need a comma and the end of the last dialogue outofthebox quoted. The rest are fine.