Dear Diary: Chapter 101

-deleted-

Okay, here we go:

yuriiko12345 wrote:She’s been my Bff for life

---> Just thought I'd point out that Bff = Best friend forever, so bff for life would read Best Friend Forever for life, which doesn't flow nicely.

yuriiko12345 wrote:She actually bought a pair of diaries; so that each of us can have one… isn’t that sweet?

----> She actually bought two diaries, so that each of us can have one. Isn't that sweet?

yuriiko12345 wrote:I’m 17 now and I can’t wait for another page to write on! Well, good night for now!

Ellipsis isn't necessary.

yuriiko12345 wrote:a medium-sized diary with a free bracelet inside .Whichprobably cost around 20$? So much for a diary eh ?.

yuriiko12345 wrote:Oh, I really like the tuna pasta that Kyla’s mom made! Then I just knew there that Jason was invited.

It should read: 'Oh, I really liked the tuna pasta that Kyla's mom made! Then I just knew that Jason was invited.

Okay, I can't go on, but as you can imagine it doesn't end there. There are far too many grammar errors, and the language that they use is...simple. And well, they are 17, so they should have a better vocabulary grasp. The storyline, which hasn't come through yet, I can't comment on. However, from your beginning, it sounds like a cliche. Also, there's no hook. There is nothing that makes me want to find out what happens next, it sounds like a cliche. Maybe, it could work, but it needs A LOT of work. I'm sorry. I do like the idea about two best friends keeping two journals though, and you telling the story from two perspectives. It just needs a lot more developement. Good Luck!

Heya

Stelagineva has pointed out most of the grammar mistakes, so I won't say them again! All though, grammar isn't my strong point anyway, so I wouldn't listen to a word I'd say when it comes to grammar!

Anyway! I found this piece quite sweet, but also a bit to short. You didn't really wright enough for me to get to know the characters, or get me incredibly interested in the story. I also agree with Stelagineva that one thing you were missing was a hook. There was nothing that drew me into your story, that made me want to read on and find out what happened next!

Also, I once again agree that your piece is a bit on the cliche side. To be honest though, I can't really tell if it's that cliche or not yet, because you haven't written much, and I don't know anthing about the plot!

I do like your writnig style though! It's very quirky, and rather entertaining! I like writing fiction through the form of a diary. In fact, I have a few pieces around YWS somewhere! Check them out if you want for inspiration or something. All though, they aren't that amazing They're called - Diary Of A Teenage Disaster 1,2,3 e.t.c

I must say, your piece does need a lot of work. But as long as you keep practicing, and keep posting, you'll be fine! Try and write something a bit longer next time!

Keep writing!
Meg xoxo

Hello and I've read through the story. Its kinda cute when you write both diaries as one story

Its funny when the girl say its quite expensive for the diary but its for bff, so worth it. Haha..this is an interesting one and write more!