A Perfect Circle

Hello all! =D
I actually quite like this story, and I hope you do too. I don't mind if you rip to shreds though!

A Perfect Circle

Cora coughed miserably right after sneezing repeatedly into a tissue. The air around her was drenched with the smell of her mother's old-fashioned humidifier, which happened to blow hotly across her face. Her mother shook her head.
“You poor thing,” she said. Cora sighed. She hated it when her mother took pity on her. An itch ran up her legs and she began scratching them fervently. Her skin always became more sensitive when she was sick.
“It's not that bad,” Cora replied in her congested whine of a voice. She laid back down, and felt every ache and pain in her body come to life as she moved.
Geoffrey padded bare-foot into the room, his rough Summer calluses slapping the hardwood floor. “Mama, are you dying?” He asked. Ted III, his teddy bear, was squeezed in his arms. Cora's laughter transformed into a coughing fit.
“No, sweetie. I've just caught a cold.” She replied.
He shrugged. “Oh.” Abigail, Cora's mom, smiled next to her.
“Hey, Squirt, why don't you go see what your daddy's up to? I bet he has cookies.” Abigail suggested. Geoffrey squealed and ran out toward the kitchen.
Cora thanked her mother for getting Geoffrey out of the room. If Geoffrey got sick now, they knew he would be in big trouble. But Abby only shrugged.
“I wanted to talk to you.” She said as she turned toward the window. Autumn sun highlighted her silver hair, and although she was old, Cora still thought her beautiful.
But this did not stop the suspicion from setting in her throat. Her mother only wanted to talk seriously if something was wrong.
“Yes?” She asked.
Abby turned around. “I'm old.”
“Oh, mom, you're not that old!” Cora said quickly. But at eighty-seven, Abigail knew her daughter was lying.
“Cora, I am. I'm taking the time now to write my will, to forgive people I've not forgiven before, and to tell my family how much I love them.” Cora raised her eyebrows. Her mother was talking as if she'd die tomorrow! Ridiculous!
She sneezed again, and blew her nose into the tissue Abby handed her. Cora made the mistake of looking at the dirtied rag before throwing it away, making her shudder.
But Abigail chuckled, “It's amazing the disgusting things able to come out of a person.”
“Anyway, mom, why are you bringing up this topic of death?” Cora demanded. Death was not a subject she wished to explore.
Abby's watery gaze flicked over to her. “Because I do not have much time. I can feel it in my bones.” Her expression betrayed the pain she truly felt. “I never did expect to blow out one hundred candles. After smoking for forty-something years, I'm surprised I made it this far.”
Tears began to roll down Cora's cheeks, making her nose run even more. She blows her trumpet-nose again.
“I apologize for bringing this up when you are ill and should be resting. I just didn't want to wait until... it was too late.”
“You can't just give up!” Cora said loudly. Where is the woman I grew up with? Thought Cora. Where is my strong-hearted mother?
“Who said I am giving up?” Abby's eyes widened and some of the youth came back into her eyes, for only a moment. Then the spark was gone, and she said, “I'm telling you this because I wanted to give you this myself before I go.” Abigail took her engagement ring off her finger, leaving her wedding ring on, and held it up to the sunlight. Its diamonds winked proudly in the rays. “Then, you can give it to Geoffrey when he is older. It would be nice to see it worn on the finger of his future fiancée, no doubt?” She said, winking. But Cora was too busy weeping to hear the light-hearted humor in her mother's voice.
“Don't cry child, I'm not dead yet!” She snapped, but went over to where her daughter lay and held her until she fell asleep.

* * *

A gentle breeze swirled the tall grass lightly. Sea aromas came washing in from the shore below, and the setting sun lit ocean and sky on fire.
He stood not three feet back from the cliff, taking it all in, awaiting her arrival. The dense cotton of his college sweater was not doing a very good job at keeping the salty breeze away from his skin. He shivered, but refused to go back to the car to wait. He wanted this moment to be perfect, even if he had to deal with a runny nose and some chills.
He could see the lighthouse some miles away, and the last of tourists going home, but knowing that they could not see him. He wondered if anyone else but he and Alex knew about their secret place.
“Boo!” Her voice said in his ear, and her hands grasped his shoulders. He smiled and turned away from the picturesque seascape to face his own personal sun, who beamed at him as her mousy brown hair was blown away from her face by the breeze.
“A bit chilly out here today, huh?” She said, hugging herself and stepping up beside him to view the ocean. A gasp could be heard from her lips as she took in the sunset. “It's beautiful.”
He watched her, observing how her hair was curly without using a curler, how her green sweater matched so well with her eyes, and how she still wore her ratty old Vans from high school. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and came up behind her, putting his arms around her and pressing himself against her back. She smiled and wished she could kiss him, but was faced the wrong way and was not willing to ruin the moment.
“I wanted to ask you something.” He whispered in her ear. Her heart immediately lept into her throat. She unwound his arms from her stomach and turned to face him. His blue eyes were lit up, and burning with nervousness at the same time.
“Go on.” She said suspiciously. He took a deep breath and slowly descended to one knee.
“Oh God.” Her eyes widened as she said this, and she began grinning stupidly with ecstasy.
He held out his grandmother's ring.
“Alex,” Geoffrey asked, “will you marry me?”

Review by tomorrow? Of course, hun. It just so happens that I have the time And well, you're next on my list <333

You've got a good base here. It needs refining but I think this could make a nice short story. I'll give you the specifics first and then other comments at the end:

Cora coughed miserably right after sneezing repeatedly into a tissue [I'm going to pause here. Already, I know. This is awkward which you could get away with normally but as a first line? No. I'd suggest, 'Cora plugged up her sneezes long enough to cough miserably.' If you don't like plugged up, there's always alternatives like, 'Laura was able to stop sneezing long enough...']The air around her was drenched with the smell of her mother's old-fashioned humidifier, which happened to blow hotly across her face. [This is passive voice. It doesn't fit here. Nine times out of ten it is better to say, 'the woman leaned against the wall' rather than 'leaning against the wall was a woman.' In light of this I'd suggest, 'Her mother's old fashioned humidifier blew hot air across her face, drenching the room in a tinny smell.' Do they smell tinny? I don't know. Most of your readers don't wither. If you don't, research, find it out for us! Give the reader something that will make them feel they are there. The five senses are your friends.] Her mother shook her head.

Geoffrey padded bare-foot into the room, his rough Summer calluses slapping the hardwood floor. “Mama, are you dying?” He he asked. Ted III, his teddy bear, was squeezed in his arms. Cora's laughter transformed into a coughing fit.
“No, sweetie. I've just caught a cold.,” She she replied.

Dialogue tags that follow dialogue should always be lower case. It's part of a sentence. They can be upper case when preceding the dialogue, 'He said: "Let's go."

He shrugged. “Oh.” Abigail, Cora's mom, smiled next to her.

Is it necessary to tell us the mother's name here? Is it necessary at all? Remember that sometimes less is more. The reader will be given a constant reminder of the character's age if she is referred to as Cora's mother. It would also be smoother to write, 'Cora's mother smiled.' The reader has not forgotten where she is. If you feel the need to express that more clearly, describe where she is sitting when you first introduce her.

“Hey, Squirt, why don't you go see what your daddy's up to? I bet he has cookies,.” Abigail suggested. Geoffrey squealed and ran out toward the kitchen. [It's sufficient to say that he scampered from the room. I think we all know where he's going and we don't care. That was an obvious, 'this character needs to leave now' line. I'd like to see a little more of a struggle. Boys will be boys you know. My brother wouldn't have put up with being called squirt (and neither would I) and I expect most children would demand to be taken to the kitchen. 'Doesn't mummy want cookies?' 'You can fetch her some' etc.]

“I wanted to talk to you.,” She said as she turned toward the window. Autumn sun highlighted her silver hair, and although she was old, Cora still thought her beautiful.

Why? What about this old woman is beautiful? Give your reader some details. Do the wrinkles on her face look like smiles? I saw a woman and thought that once. They made it look like every part of her was trying to smile at you. Think of something like that which will give your character definition.

“Anyway, mom, why are you bringing up this topic of death?” Cora demanded. Death was not a subject she wished to explore.

This line of dialogue sounds particularly forced. Perhaps simply, 'Do we have to talk about this?' or, 'Oh Mother! Why must we talk about this?'

Abby's watery gaze flicked over to her. “Because I do not have much time. I can feel it in my bones.” Her expression betrayed the pain she truly felt. “I never did expect to blow out one hundred candles. After smoking for forty-something years, I'm surprised I made it this far.”

A little forced again. Nix the part about smoking and just have her say she's surprised she made it this far. Love the line before that though.

Tears began to roll down Cora's cheeks, making her nose run even more. She blows blew [Don't change tense.] her trumpet-nose again.

Abigail took her engagement ring off her finger, leaving her wedding ring on, and held it up to the sunlight. Its diamonds winked proudly in the rays. “Then, you can give it to Geoffrey when he is older. It would be nice to see it worn on the finger of his future fiancée, no doubt?”Sheshe said, winking. But Cora was too busy weeping to hear the light-hearted humor in her mother's voice.

“Boo!” Her voice said in his ear, and her hands grasped his shoulders. He smiled and turned away from the picturesque seascape to face his own personal sun, [Oh please. No. This is too cliche. You know better than that.] who beamed at him as her mousy brown hair was blown away from her face by the breeze.

“I wanted to ask you something.” He whispered in her ear. Her heart immediately lept leapt [Also, there was a line above where you had faced. It should be facing. I forgot to comment, I think it was only two or three lines above this.] into her throat. She unwound his arms from her stomach and turned to face him. His blue eyes were lit up, and burning with nervousness at the same time.

Characterisation

Currently, your characters are a little flat. I think the most lively is the child version of Geoffrey and that's really saying something. They need to each have their own personal quirks and you should give them their own way of speaking. You know you're on the right track when you look at a line of dialogue and can't imagine one of your other characters using it. Think about how old women speak. There are words which have fallen intp disuse but they grew up using them so they can often be hard to understand. Like bon bons instead of sweets or courseway instead of path. If you can throw a few odd words in without making it sound unnatural, that would be good.

We need to see the boy more in the earlier scene. I want there to be enough of him that you can link this later appearance with him. Is he impatient, dramatic? Give us some personality!

Description

I know you don't have long to work on this piece but remember for future reference to use good description. You should pick out a few choice items in a room that are of interest. Maybe the ghastly yellow paper that hasn't been changed since they moved in or the stylish polka-dot throw on the bed. Dressing table. Anything. That first scene is hard to picture.

Also, there are five senses. It's hard to refer to all and not expected but to draw your reader in and produce a atronger atmosphere, remember to describe the feel of things from time to time, the smells, the taste, the sound and of course sight. What does Goeffrey's feet sound like as he thunders down the stairs? Can the cookies be smelled? Are there cookies? Is there an absense of cookie smell?

Plot

This is troublesome. Your ending was expected. It would be hard to set it up and not have it expected. What I'd suggest is to make the item the grandmother gives her daughter more ambiguous. Don't tell us that it's a ring. Have her say 'I want you to have this," and describe briefly an object changing hands. Then make the second part briefer. Give the two an activity to be doing, don't have them standing with each other expectedly. Meeting in special places, being all lovey dovey. Have him spring it on her as a surprise and your closing line can be something like, "I want you to have my grandmother's ring." Duh da! Haha.

Well, hun, I hope you find this helpful and that it comes in time for you to edit. Feel free to ask questions or for further reviews,

Heather xx