The Touch (possible start)

The last time anyone kissed me good-night, I was four. Now I'm pretty sure I'm twelve.
Is that how you start one of these things?
Hm. I've had a lot of names; guess "Mia" will do.

"Have you said your prayers?" The Caretaker's voice was real close.
I didn't like him, but I couldn't show that. No way.
"Yeah." My voice was changing, so it sounded more like "Yeow."

The Caretaker smiled-- not a nice smile. He sort of half-grinned, then stroked my back. That always made me want to bite him.

"Pleasant dreams."
**

"Hm." I yawned, trying to remember my dream.

Probably nothing. And if it was about my early years I didn't want to know.

In one movement I shucked off my sweaty nightshirt. I spared
a second to toss it in the hamper, then headed for the shower.
What was today? Saturday.

"Oh, I wish to him who sent me," I began singing. Then paused.
What was that smell? A smell like old blood and rotten cloth reached me.
No one's been hurt around here, I thought.

Well then, it must be someone'd forgotten to take out the trash.
I'd do it before the folks woke up.

They did their best, my foster parents. Really they knew nothing
about raising a brown-haired, golden-eyed teen who was a fanatic
about cleanliness. Namely, me.

Hey, Stori.
So I don't exactly know what this is supposed to be for, because it's under 'other', but I'm going to try to give you advice as best I can anyway. xD If it ends up that my review has no relevance because of this piece's intent, let me know what it's meant for and I can come back and look at it with that information as well.

Pfft, let's get started!

The first part is pretty well done. I don't know how a lot of it relates to the rest. (like, was this a night where she was kissed good-night? if so, why wasn't that described?) It seems to skip from point to point, and if that's your intention, it's okay. It doesn't bother me too much.

What I was most bothered by, reading through it once, were the spots where exposition stuck out of the narrative. What I mean is the parts where I could tell you were sticking necessary information in, but it wasn't quite worked in to the sentences. One example is:

What was that smell? If there's anything you should know about me,

it's that I have a weirdly strong sense of smell.

I think this is the biggest place where it sticks out, because you're interrupting telling the story to give the reader a random fact that instead of TELLING, you could WHO us. xD I know, I know, everyone talks about this, and I can't do it either, but we can at least try to point it out to each other. Instead of saying how strong it was, demonstrate it. Like, maybe in the next sentence you could say that the narrator knew it wasn't in the room, but couldn't locate exactly where it was coming from, and then the reader will know that something's up right away.

Couldn't be that time of the month; I knew these things.

This is another point. It just seems very awkward. First of all, what time of the month are you referring to? I mean, it could be the obvious (menstruation), but if it's something else, you might want to avoid using this phrasing. Also, if you want to demonstrate the character's knowledge, maybe follow the statement with the character's reasoning instead of saying that she 'just knows things'.

Really they knew nothing

about raising a brown-haired, golden-eyed teen who was a fanatic

about cleanliness. Namely, me.

And kiss this info dump goodbye. It's really hard to put objective information about a person in first-person narrative, but if it's REALLY necessary, put it somewhere relevant. Right now we don't need to know that she has brown hair, or that she has golden eyes (though that's interesting, and if it's significant, fit it in somewhere else).

Also, this tone seems kind of weird, having the character show such a tone of arrogance about her foster parents. Even if she thinks her abilities are superior, she should show some kind of appreciation instead of saying 'they knew nothing about raising someone'. If they did their best, surely they managed to make something more comfortable for her? I don't know. It just seems odd to me.

The Caretaker smiled-- not a nice smile. He sort of half-grinned,

then stroked my back.

Also, try describing this moment better. Did he smile? Did he half-grin? Did he glare or do something else (because most smiles are nice)?

This is an interesting opening, but it would be more interesting if I didn't feel so put off by the narrator feeling like she had to explain everything to me instead of just telling me the story. Also, it breaks off at a weird point -- it's not a good ending.

Let me know if you have any questions or if you write more!

-Hannah-