Less Than Three -- Ch. 1

[deleted]

Hey, Sureal.

So, I'm assuming this is part of something that will have more than one part, and that's good, because it leaves me wanting those other parts. Right now, it doesn't have a lot of substance, but it DOES leave me wondering exactly what the last words mean (not the song, the other ones).

The problem with this is that it's really hard to describe a sex scene without being either completely vulgar and detailed about it or letting it show that you're holding back. In this piece, the seams are showing, and we can see that they're stretching and there's a lot behind them. Awkward wording like the repetition of 'the other fluid' helps make this restraint obvious. There are a couple of problems with repetition, actually (I don't mean the stylistic repetition). Another one would be after the guys leave the room, you could probably just say 'Probably don't even know who you are' and we'll assume you're talking about his relationship to the girl. That way you don't have to keep repeating boyfriend and girlfriend.

Another thing I noticed was that though the emotion was supposed to be there (however subtly), it didn't come out right for me. The words at the end come out weak and repetitious, as if he's just saying the phrase he hears everyone say when something bad happens in their relationship. I don't know. Maybe if you think through it some more, it will come to you, but if this restrained emotion is your intention, then don't worry about it.

Just to recap the things that were good about this piece, let me say that I firstly appreciate the material you've taken on. Though it's difficult to find a balance with, that doesn't mean it shouldn't be attempted, and I'm glad you are attempting! Secondly, you did a good job at catching my attention (haha, I guess it's not that hard with this subject matter, but still...) and making me want to read more, to find out why this event was necessary.

Uh, so... let me know if you have any questions about my critique! :3

-Hannah-

Hola, Sur.

So, I was a little too shocked to comment when I first read this haha. Not that I haven't come across this kind of stuff, I just never expected to find it. Can I ask why this isn't in Romance? It seems like it belongs there and will probably find a broader readership. Why is this in 2nd person? You say that the novel won't be, so I'm struggling to understand why this is and what the relevance is -- for instance, if this had been a stream of consciousness kind of thing, I think it would work well as a kind of predictive thought process that will come into it more later. But because it has present action in it, actively describing a scene, it doesn't quite have that effect and just leaves me confused.

You’re not sure if they’re genuine or if she’s forcing them out for your benefit. Either way, each one makes your internal organs shake.

How does she know he's there? I found the following description about organs bizarre. And just how many external organs do we really have anyway?

In the brightly lit room, there was your gf on all fours, back arching.

What is the purpose behind writing 'gf' like that? It's - again - bizarre and doesn't seem to serve any purpose whatsoever. I don't think anyone, anywhere would every literally think, in reference to their partner, 'gf'. Likewise I can't imagine anyone ever vocalising as such.

In the hallway, people walk past. Most are drunk. Most look at you, confused, sad.

What hallway? Just where the hell are we anyway? And who are these people? Why are they confused and or sad? There are too many ambiguities here.

Eventually, it reaches a crescendo. The noise increases, speeds up, gets louder. Then it ends.

Quiet.

This is redundant. You describe the same thing twice, twice. "It reaches a crescendo." /"The noise increases, speeds up, gets louder."

And - "Then it ends."/ "Quiet".

Cut it.

Hannah mentioned restraint and to an extent I think you've mixed it up fairly well, but the vulgarity, well...sucks. Make it vulgar! Make it dirty and twisted. The protagonist is so removed and detached from it and that's troubling, I feel like for those apparent tears to feel real, you need to describe it as harshly as you can. Not all the time, for instance, the 'fluid' was suitably done. Otherwise, though, it doesn't feel real.

She’s laying on the bed, bare chest heaving

I have trouble thinking this guy just walked into the room and on seeing her thought, 'bare chest'. Just say tits. You're a big boy and this meant for adults, so don't kid around. Right now, this is the essence of cliche. I have no reason to care for this dude, or the random slutty chick, or their supposed reasons - it's an excerpt we don't really need. Personally, I would change it to a stream-of-consciousness kind of reflection on how fucked up and shitty it is to see your girlfriend get fucked.

It says something about the guy that he did nothing but weep - so, I'm not sympathetic at all to him and if sympathy is what you're aiming at the readers, it's not working. Finally, there better be a good reason for that ridiculous song to be referenced and quoted here. Otherwise, it, like a few other elements in this piece is just arbitrary and bizarre.

The basic writing and descriptions are, as usual, well done. Didn't really do anything for me though, as a prologue, separate piece, indication of things to come, etc. So, needs some work.

Good luck with it.

Ooh, you're right, Jigster, I meant to post this Romantic Fiction. Not sure why I stuck in Other Fiction. I blame it on force of habit. Moved.

Anyways, you both gave excellent advice. Thank you. =)


Regarding a lot of your queries:

The two main themes of the novel are love, and modernity (especially the internet). So a light scattering of internet phrases like 'gf' are meant to help encapsulate this second theme - although I think you may be right, and that this chapter isn't a good place to use it.

This scene is meant to resemble an internet porn video - you've got a threesome, in a well lit room, with fake/excessive moaning, and it ends with a facial. Although it's meant to shock and hook the reader, it's also actually important with regards to the plot structure:

Spoiler

Although the novel is mostly written in the first person following one character, there will be 5 to 10 'intermissions', all written in the second person, following different characters, between 500 and 1500 words. These intermissions will all have their own little story, regarding love. Some positive - but most negative, because I'm a cynical bastard.

This prologue isn't one of those, though, even though it's meant to look like one.

The main narrative of the novel follows the first person narrator during his final year at university. He falls for a girl, their relationship develops, they date - then she thinks he cheats on her.

This chapter then occurs again, almost word-for-word, but written in the first person.

So the novel follows the age old - 'This is a bad situation I'm in, let me show you how I got into it...' story structure. Except it's hidden.

Well ... that's the plan, anyway.

With regards to the song: I wanted to have some sort of song between this prologue and the first proper chapter. My hope is that it'll evoke the feeling of a Hollywood film.

Ever noticed how most films start with a short scene designed to hook, which has little apparent relevance to the main plot, then cuts to a song, then cuts to the real beginning of the film's story, which starts off slow and calm?

That's what I'm hoping to capture. The next chapter is a very quiet, calm scene. I chose Bad Romance by Lady Gaga as the song because I felt it well represented my two main themes: it's about love/romance, but Lady Gaga is also a very modern phenomenon, and achieved her success with the help of the internet. That it's about revenge and a 'bad' romance also helps. (Also, the song is funky.)

Not sure how successful it's been, though. Considering taking the song out. =/


Anyway, thank you both for your advice, again. I shall edit this tonight with reference to your suggestions. =)

Yeah, I would say that including the song might not be necessary. It might fit with what you're attempting, but what you're attempting doesn't lose anything by taking out the song. The only purpose it serves is fitting with your theme of modernity, but I think you could weave that into the story better than just sticking it at the end.

Still looking forward to the rest!

-Hannah-

Hey, Sureal!

The characters are really... unbelievable. Now, the good things are the action... there's lots of it! However, the motives seem completely bizarre and totally forced. You say that the girlfriend looked defiant at the end... why? Why is the guy in the other room, crying? Do the people know what's going on? Are the characters drunk like the people passing them?

Also, why should we care about this guy? Boo hoo, his girlfriend is starring in her own personal porn movie. So what? We won't care unless we have a reason to. So what's the story?

Also, why are you not calling it like it is? Semen, jizz, cum, whatever, why did you have to call it by the non-descriptive "other liquid."

I don't know. It just seemed awfully unbelievable!

'sup people. ^_^

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I've made some minor changes to this chapter, and hope to do some more radical edits later on.

Chapter 2 and 3 are also up now, and can be found together, here. Both are pretty short, which is why I've put them together.