I am looking for my clown. They say that you are gone, but I refuse to believe it . You are beautiful and strong and brave, and I know you can never be gone. I know that one day I will find my clown. You live up in the clouds now, I know. They call it heaven and point up towards the clouds. I look at them eachday and try to find you, but those wretched clouds are just so thick and impossible to see through. Sometimes though, the sun shines through, and I swear that I see you. You must be happy there, engulfed by the golden rays of the sun, never feeling cold or pain. I miss you though, and you promised me you'd never leave me. Remember? Remember when you said, no matter what happens you will never leave me, you will always be with me and never stop loving me? That is why I'm still waiting. And eachday I wake up and look up at the clouds, and I look hard and deep and try to find you, sometimes I could swear I can see your shape, but everyone says it is just my imagination, they all think you're gone. You promised you wouldn't leave me though, remember? You said, once you came back, you would take me to a magical land full of bright colors, and tigers, and fire eaters, where the air is saturated with the sweetest scents. So here I am, nearly twelve, and everyone says 'put it out of your head Abbey' . I know you're up there in the clouds, living life to the fullest. But I also know that you always keep your promises, my dear clown. One day, one perfectly ordinairy day, you will come for me and you will take me to that magical land you
spoke so much of. I look up at the sky even now, the sun shines through the clouds, I could swear I see you there, and I could swear that you know what I am thinking.
***
My day begins thus, I wake up in my big cloud everyday, not as small as Abbey thinks, and I yawn quite loudly. No one hears me though, as I'm all alone in this big cloud. Not for long though. As soon as I am fully awoken I go visit my dear old friend, the sun. Or he comes visits me, whichever comes first. Then we have tea and cookies and we simply have the time of our lives. Despite of what those silly humans might think, the sun is not that hot, why, I spent my whole days with him and he does not feel hot at all. The sun is a good companion, unlike so many other humans, he does not find me queer at all. You see, they all think I don't exist, except for Abbey. They tried to tell her that I 'died'. As if. I could never die. I have the secret to immortality, which I'm not willing to share with you as of yet. Abbey knows though, she knows about my bright outfits and silly smiles, she knows I may look a tad scary, but really I am lovable. Abbey knows. Those horrid humans try to tell her otherwise, but she knows. As my days pass by in this lovely land, I get a bit lonely. I can't actually take Abbey to the land which I promised to take her to, because it wasn't me who promised...but I am getting ahead of myself here, and I hear the sun banging at my door, so I must go open it, he gets so put off when I make him wait.
***
'I've tried everything, she just keep going on and on about him...' Abbey's mother sounded desperate as she spoke to the doctor, ' I have no idea what to tell her, to make her understand that all he is, is just her imagination, she's not a child anymore, and her behaviour is at times dangerous. The other day, I saw her sitting on her windowsill, well she could've fallen off!'
' I understand madame, but we must be patient with her, perhaps this has something to do with her father..." The doctor broke off abruptly, as he caught the look on the old woman's face.
'I don't understand how Doctor...' She said evenly ' It's been years since..." She broke off suddenly.
'Well, it is the most likely theory, I do believe" The Doctor said, as he smiled tiredly at her, trying to comfort her.
I have it too, so I know how annoying it can be.
