Not Part of Novel!

OK, so when I was a new member I started posting this story, although I wasn't getting any reviews. I decided to try again (last time I got up to chapter 4). Seeing as I was a newbie, when people stopped writing reviews, I stopped writing my story, my confidence went down. So please write a review...Thanks!
Introduction
One girl was unaware of what was coming ahead for her. What was going to strike her? How she was going to help, or fail. If she was going to find the one that she loved so much, or let that one go...




Chapter 1
It was a lovely warm sunny day, everything was just so peaceful. The birds were singing and the trees were waving. This was so amazing; these days didn’t come very often. But to come on a Sunday, was absolutely lovely.
Cynthia was reading a book when her ma came in. Cynthia was a read a huge amount of books. Once she was finished with them she would put them on a bookshelf. Now you can imagine how big this bookshelf was! Although reading is a good thing, her ma looked a little fed up.
Cynthia was near the end of her book, 'Wuthering Heights'. She was wrapped up cozy under a small blanket on her bed. Pink, flowery cushions were lined up on her bed neatly; she looked like the real girly-girl. However, she listened to lots of mad heavy-metal bands that drove her ma crazy.
"Jane called, Cynthy." Her ma stated, "She wants you to go to her house. Dad and I are going out in a few minutes; you'll have to take the bus. At least you won't be bored today with Dad and I gone."
Cynthia looked worried, "Which bus, exactly, Ma?" She asked.
Just then, Tony, her cat strolled in. Tony was very lazy, but he feeling sleepy was alright this time because he had spent the whole morning chasing and eating a bird. You could actually see a feather in his mouth! Hard work, eh?
"Hang on; I know how to get to Jane's. Seeing as we bought that carrier cage for Tony, can I take him?" Cynthia looked hopeful; she took out her big beady eyes.
"OK honey, taking a cat is a big responsibility. He’s not a dog!!" Ma replied.
"But please, I'm 11, I'm sure I can handle it," Cynthia pleaded.
"OK, you know what if you lose him; you'll lose him for good. He's a cat; he'll think you chucked him out!" Ma blabbed. They continued arguing until finally Cynthia convinced her ma to let her take Tony.
The two kissed each-other good-bye, although Ma was very worried about Tony. Cynthia left for the door, taking Tony in a carrier and two books.
She walked over to the bus stop, and sat on the bench. The sun shun all around the bus stop. She managed to take her book out whilst putting Tony down. She didn't drop him, phew! As she only had 10 pages left of her book she finished within five minutes. As Cynthia was impatient, she decided to walk over to the next bus-stop, almost forgetting Tony.
The girl amazingly got out her second book, held Tony, who by the way was sleeping, and carried on to walk. The book, 'Of Mice and Men' was right in front of her face as she was walking. She didn't think to realise if this was going to cause an accident!
However, she forgot her other book at the bus stop and was near waking up Tony the way she was holding him!
Once she got tired of reading for the day, she put down her book. Only then did she realise she had lost track of where she was going. She closed her eyes as she didn't want to find out; all she could here now were noises. Footsteps-loud and quiet. Echoing. Hooting. As she came to her senses to open her eyes she heard a small meow.
Was this from Tony? Or just another creature? Cynthia heard the bush by her rustle; she let out a huge scream. Tony was extremely tired but not deaf, he woke up and Cynthia took him out of the carrier and held him. He was squirming around, but Cynthia kept her grip.
A rather large black cat with a crown on his head came out from the bush. The crown was solid gold with a ruby gem, a diamond gem, an amber gem, an emerald gem and a sapphire gem. Cynthia kept quiet, but had the real urge to speak.
"Keep it down! Pushka's sleeping!" He said, in a very low adult voice.
"Pushka? Oh please tell me I'm dreaming!" Cynthia cried. She felt like fainting.
"She's my loyal side-kick, she's my mother. Oh and who's this?" The cat asked, ignoring Cynthia's previous question, looking at Tony.
"This is Tony," Cynthia said. Tony jumped from Cynthia's grasp and plunged into the bush.
"No! Tony wait, come back!" Cynthia screeched, nearly in tears, she was about to run after him. But the cat stood in her way.
"Don't worry young one. Oh, sorry, I didn't introduce myself, I am Dalas. Well King Dalas. Did you see the crown? Tony will be absolutely fine, he'll be with Pushka, Yasmina, Gibby, Sylvester, Tupa, Gupa and Leo. Yasmina is fantastic with kittens!" King Dalas explained.
"But Tony's a cat! What's going on?" Cynthia asked, getting extremely angry with King Dalas.
"I'll explain some more, would you like to join me with a walk?" King Dalas asked.
Cynthia didn't usually have a short-temper but she began to get really worried about Tony. Why should she take a walk with a cat with a crown? 'He could kill me! Or could he take me to Tony? He said he's King Dalas, King of what?' Thoughts buzzed around her head, King Dalas was waiting for an answer, patiently.
"Will you help me find Tony?" Cynthia questioned, forgetting that she was talking to a cat, but wanting to find Tony.
"I'll tell you everything," King Dalas said. Cynthia didn't know to trust him, but what else could she do? Go home, how? Call the police? Were there even police?
"OK, fine," Cynthia sighed, knowing she would regret this. King Dalas smiled and lead Cynthia in the other direction.

Hey tam_ara

Cynthia was a read a huge amount of books. - I don't really understand this sentence. Did you mean 'Cynthia was reading a huge amount of books." ? If so it is a little repetitive for me. I don't like it when words or names are repeated in close proximity to others. It usually pulls me out of the story.

She was wrapped up cozy under a small blanket on her bed. Pink, flowery cushions were lined up on her bed neatly; - There is a repetition of 'on her bed' here. Again just watch for this because sometimes it can pull a reader out of the story. Perhaps think how to rephrase the line or you could use a thesaurus and find other words for the same thing.

"She wants you to go to her house. Dad and I are going out in a few minutes; you'll have to take the bus. At least you won't be bored today with Dad and I gone." - This dialogue just seems a little off to me. There isn't much emotion or character in it and so the mother now reads very bland. Perhaps think about rewording this to try and put more of her character into the dialogue.

Tony was very lazy, but he feeling sleepy was alright this time - This doesn't really make any sense to me. Think about rephrasing because I can't even guess at what you might have meant.

Hard work, eh? - Personally I'm not sure I like this. You did it before at the beginning as well. I don't really like it when the story addresses the reader like this. Sometimes you can get away with it when the story is in first person but here you are writing in third person. This makes it a little confusing because I'm not sure whether the character is talking to me or whether the author is? Anyway it just throws me and pulls me out of the story.

Cynthia left for the door, taking Tony in a carrier and two books. - Perhaps this would be better if you phrased it like 'Cynthia left for the door, taking two books and Tony in his carrier.' or something like that.

The sun shun all around the bus stop. - It should be 'shone' and not 'shun'. Shun is a completely different word.

all she could here now were noises. - It should be 'hear' and not 'here'.

"I'll explain some more, would you like to join me with a walk?" King Dalas asked. - it should probably be 'would you like to join me for a walk?'

Character - This will probably kind of drift into talking about pacing aswell but I think that I didn't have enough time to get to know your main character before the fantastical event happened. Usually in stories you need to do the set up at the beginning of the story. You have some of it here but not enough really. The set-up is important for characters because it lets the reader get to know them and their situation and how they react in certain situations. It also allows the reader to start caring about the character so that when something does happen to them we actually care and this makes the reader want to keep reading. Also the set-up is important for the character's overall story arc. In a story your character should go on a journey, not just physically but their adventure should change them in some way. So the set-up is important to show the reader how they change later on. So I would consider revising this chapter a little more to get more set-up in, not too much but just enough so that we can get to know Cynthia.

Pacing - I kind of covered this in the character section above. To elaborate more maybe you could look into the three act structure and how to structure a story or a character arc. I'm not saying that you have to stick strictly to this, you don't even have to use it but I always find it useful to know the rules before I try to break them. But yeah I think you are moving a little too fast in the story at the moment. What I find as writers is that we are so excited to get to the event and the exciting parts of the story that we skip over the mundane bits like set-up. So just be careful of that. Of course as the writer you can choose to ignore this typical set-up, if you find that it doesn't work for your story.

Dialogue - Some of your dialogue fell a little flat. As I said before, there wasn't much emotion or character in your pieces of dialogue. This was a problem because it made Cynthia's reactions seem false sometimes. For example when she meets the cat, the dialogue is a little weird because she reacts shocked and then quickly moves onto something else. You don't give her much time to dwell on what is happening. So perhaps look at your dialogue and see where you can apply characteristics into the dialogue and rhythms. This article on dialogue might help you out.

Description - Your description is mostly OK but in parts feels a little stunted and does not flow very well. Also, as I mentioned before, I'm not sure I like the moments where it appears that you are addressing the reader because this just pulls me out of the story a little. So maybe just look through your description and see where you can rephrase it to make it flow better.

Overall - I think it's an interesting start to the story and if you take into consideration the points on pacing and characters that I mentioned then this could be a really good beginning. I just think that you need to work on your character a bit more, get to know her better and how she reacts in certain situations and try not to rush everything as much because I think the concept seems pretty interesting.

Hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

Alright, I'm gonna be a bit harsh with this, I hope you don't mind.

tam_ara wrote:Introduction
One girl was unaware of what was coming ahead for her. What was going to strike her? How she was going to help, or fail. If she was going to find the one that she loved so much, or let that one go...

YOu don't need the introdution. It doesn't exactly go with the flow.


Chapter 1
It was a lovely warm sunny day, everything was just so peaceful. Cliched beginningThe birds were singing and the trees were waving. This was so amazing; these days didn’t come very often. But to come on a Sunday, was absolutely lovely.
Cynthia was reading a book when her ma came in. Cynthia #BF0040 ">was a What? That doesn't make sense read a huge amount of books. Once she was finished with them she would put them on a bookshelf. Now you can imagine how big this bookshelf was! Although reading is a good thing, her ma looked a little fed up.
Cynthia was near the end of her book, 'Wuthering Heights'. She was wrapped up cozy under a small blanket on her bed. Pink, flowery cushions were lined up on her bed neatly; she looked like the real girly-girl. However, she listened to lots of mad heavy-metal bands that drove her ma crazy.
"Jane called, Cynthy." Her ma stated, "She wants you to go to her house. Dad and I are going out in a few minutes; you'll have to take the bus. At least you won't be bored today with Dad and I gone."
Cynthia looked worried, "Which bus, exactly, Ma?" She asked.
Just then, Tony, her cat strolled in. Tony was very lazy, but he feeling sleepy was alright this time because he had spent the whole morning chasing and eating a bird. You could actually see a feather in his mouth! Hard work, eh?
"Hang on; I know how to get to Jane's. Seeing as we bought that carrier cage for Tony, can I take him?" Cynthia looked hopeful; she took out her big beady eyes.
"OK honey, taking a cat is a big responsibility. He’s not a dog!!" Ma replied.
"But please, I'm 11, I'm sure I can handle it," Cynthia pleaded.
"OK, you know what if you lose him; you'll lose him for good. He's a cat; he'll think you chucked him out!" Ma blabbed. They continued arguing until finally Cynthia convinced her ma to let her take Tony.
The two kissed each-other good-bye, although Ma was very worried about Tony. Cynthia left for the door, taking Tony in a carrier and two books.
She walked over to the bus stop, and sat on the bench. The sun shun all around the bus stop. She managed to take her book out whilst putting Tony down. She didn't drop him, phew! As she only had 10 pages left of her book she finished within five minutes. As Cynthia was impatient, she decided to walk over to the next bus-stop, almost forgetting Tony.
The girl amazingly got out her second book, held Tony, who by the way was sleeping, and carried on to walk. The book, 'Of Mice and Men' was right in front of her face as she was walking. She didn't think to realise if this was going to cause an accident!
However, she forgot her other book at the bus stop and was near waking up Tony the way she was holding him!
Once she got tired of reading for the day, she put down her book. Only then did she realise she had lost track of where she was going. She closed her eyes as she didn't want to find out; all she could here now were noises. Footsteps-loud and quiet. Echoing. Hooting. As she came to her senses to open her eyes she heard a small meow.
Was this from Tony? Or just another creature? Cynthia heard the bush by her rustle; she let out a huge scream. Tony was extremely tired but not deaf, he woke up and Cynthia took him out of the carrier and held him. He was squirming around, but Cynthia kept her grip.
A rather large black cat with a crown on his head came out from the bush. The crown was solid gold with a ruby gem, a diamond gem, an amber gem, an emerald gem and a sapphire gem. Cynthia kept quiet, but had the real urge to speak.
"Keep it down! Pushka's sleeping!" He said, in a very low adult voice.
"Pushka? Oh please tell me I'm dreaming!" Cynthia cried. She felt like fainting.
"She's my loyal side-kick, she's my mother. Oh and who's this?" The cat asked, ignoring Cynthia's previous question, looking at Tony.
"This is Tony," Cynthia said. Tony jumped from Cynthia's grasp and plunged into the bush.
"No! Tony wait, come back!" Cynthia screeched, nearly in tears, she was about to run after him. But the cat stood in her way.
"Don't worry young one. Oh, sorry, I didn't introduce myself, I am Dalas. Well King Dalas. Did you see the crown? Tony will be absolutely fine, he'll be with Pushka, Yasmina, Gibby, Sylvester, Tupa, Gupa and Leo. Yasmina is fantastic with kittens!" King Dalas explained.
"But Tony's a cat! What's going on?" Cynthia asked, getting extremely angry with King Dalas.
"I'll explain some more, would you like to join me with a walk?" King Dalas asked.
Cynthia didn't usually have a short-temper but she began to get really worried about Tony. Why should she take a walk with a cat with a crown? 'He could kill me! Or could he take me to Tony? He said he's King Dalas, King of what?' Thoughts buzzed around her head, King Dalas was waiting for an answer, patiently.
"Will you help me find Tony?" Cynthia questioned, forgetting that she was talking to a cat, but wanting to find Tony.
"I'll tell you everything," King Dalas said. Cynthia didn't know to trust him, but what else could she do? Go home, how? Call the police? Were there even police?
"OK, fine," Cynthia sighed, knowing she would regret this. King Dalas smiled and lead Cynthia in the other direction.

Your first thing is that you do too much telling-and not enough showing.
I'm guilty of this too. Use the senses. Make it interesting for the reader.

Another this is that this is kinda boring. The first sentence is the sentence that hooks reader. YOur first sentence frankly, almost made me want to sleep.

I'm sorry fir being so rude, once again