Down the Rabbit Hole

Down, Down, Down,
The rabbit hole,
"We're all mad here," says the cat,
As he fades to nothing but a grin.
Further down,
We're falling fast now,
But it's all in slow motion.
There goes the Red Queen,
The White Queen,
I can see the light at the end...
...Our bodies meet the ground,
And our minds meet the cure to madness.

I really, really liked this. It's short but awesome

"We're all mad here," says the cat,
As he fades to nothing but a grin.
Further down,
We're falling fast now,
But it's all in slow motion.

that's my favorite bit from it Haha. The rest of it's really awesome, too. The last line doesn't really go with the rest, however. I'm not sure why but it's just what I noticed Good luck with the rest of your writing!

Heya! I liked this piece but I think it could be longer. One tip?

There goes the Red Queen,
The White Queen,

If you want you could change it to, There goes the White Queen. *LIKED* Hero out,

Hi there! This was a nice poem, but there were definetly a few things. It seems as you rushed through this poem and gave it little thought, because there are few things that are that don't really seem to match up.

VindicatedKnight wrote:Down, Down, Down,
The rabbit hole,

I don't like the use of "down" three times here. It makes the two phrases seem a bit broken up and not very interesting. Also, your phrase fails to have a subject, so maybe try, "She goes down the rabbit hole.

"We're all mad here," says the cat,
As he fades to nothing but a grin.

I don't like, "As he fades". To make it proper, you would have to get rid of the comma after "cat", and that just makes you seem like you're stuffing everything onto two little lines. So, "fading" would probably be better.

We're falling fast now,
But it's all in slow motion.

This makes absolutely no sense. If you're going in slow motion, you can't be going fast.

Our bodies meet the ground

Our? The last time I checked, Alice was the only one who fell down the rabbit hole.

Otherwise, this wasn't bad. Standard first draft quality; It's got potential, but you've just got to let that shine through.

-Elinor

First: I repeated down to emphasize how far down it really is (Poe is an idol of mine).
Second: The comma after "cat" is just noting where the end of the line is. No, it doesn't need to be there, but it is.
Third: You can be moving in slow motion if you are going fast. Ex: In a car wreck/accident, the incident seems to happen in slow motion to those involved and quickly to those watching. Same concept.
Fourth: I'm not referring to Alice. I'm reffering to the madness of wonderland and its inhabitants.