I Bet On the Moon

Hey Hannah,

I'm going to be quick with this, as per your request and say that I didn't get much out of this. It feels incomplete and rushed. The nature of the stakes at hand and the importance of the scene to the protagonist aren't explained, though there's some hint it's not enough to give the scene any tension at all.

The end result, then, is limp.

Most of the science fiction elements were well established and integrated, but none of them felt original, it came across as quite generic. The main problem with this is the "twist" of the fool having come up with the plan -- it feels as though you slapped that on at the end for the hell of it and it didn't add anything to the characters, we didn't end up caring because neither protagonist or fool were fully fleshed enough to begin with.

What I'm saying is this: it's stale. And you failed to make me feel or care in any way about the world, the outcome of the scene, or the characters, though the descriptions were all written well enough. I expect better from you, honestly.

Good luck with the contest though. One way or the other, I hope you revise this.

Cheers

Jiggity wrote:It feels incomplete and rushed.

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The end result, then, is limp.

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but none of them felt original, it came across as quite generic.

...

we didn't end up caring because neither protagonist or fool were fully fleshed enough to begin with.

...

I expect better from you, honestly.

You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right, and furthermore, you're right. I meant to make this more than one part (which I just forgot to put in the title, but it's still not set up correctly for that), and I meant to take more time to bring out the characters. On top of all that, I took an idea from my environmental bio class and injected ideas from whatever SciFi I'd read into it, AWARE THAT I WAS DOING IT, just because I thought it was cool when I read it. .________.

First venture into science fiction is NOT successful. I'm going to take this down and try to slow it down and not rip anyone off while doing that.

Thanks, Jiggity.

Moral of the story: Listen to your gut when something doesn't feel right about your writing.

Don't give up on sci-fi! Science fiction needs cool writers like you