The Princess's Decision

this is a little thing I did for a writing class off of the Bundle of Sticks aesop fable! Remember to tear it appart!
In the crystal castle of the King of Camelot, on a clear and cold morning, came a cry of distress. King Clark, realizing his life was coming to an end, summoned his only daughter to his lavish bedchamber. The princess, young and lovely, with piercing blue eyes like a cloudless sky, and long blonde hair like golden wheat dancing in the wind, rushed to her father's bedside. The worried father explained his current predicament and the troubles that lay ahead like the breadcrumbs of Hansel and Gretel. “You must marry, Rowena,” explained King Clark, “for it is the only way to carry on my legacy.” But the princess refused profusely saying her heart only belonged to her papa. King Clark gave Rowena a knowing look and a wink as he called for his servants to bring a package of asparagus. Upon hearing her father's words, Rowena's eyes grew larger than a deer's caught in headlights. The princess savored the rich taste of asparagus! As the rushed bundle appeared, the kind King Clark spoke the wisest advice he had ever spoken. The King told Rowena to break the bundle in half, but she did not prevail. After ten minutes of stubborn trial, the princess lay in a sorry wreck. Then, he told the princess to take one of the asparagus and break it in half. As the one asparagus broke and fell to the floor, the princess gave her father a questioning look. The old king sighed and replied, “Unity gives strength.”

First of all, PLEASE organize your work into paragraphs. No one wants to read a big block of text. Also, this seems way too short to be a complete scene. If you post longer scenes than the reviewer can get a better idea of where you are going with the story, and can therefore review it better.

Sionarama wrote:In the crystal castle of the King of Camelot, on a clear and cold morning, came a cry of distress.

This sentence just has too much alliteration to be serious. If you mean to write this piece as consciously not taking itself seriously, you need to make this more obvious. Otherwise, try not to use so much alliteration.

You also have a lot of bad metaphors. While I understand that you want to create images, as well as reference other fairytale, I don't think your metaphors quite work.

Sionarama wrote:with piercing blue eyes

Again, if this is a mockery it is okay, but otherwise, NEVER, EVER use the phrase "piercing blue eyes" it is the most overused phrase in the history of overused phrases. (with flaming red hair being a close second0 Just don't do it.

Sionarama wrote:Upon hearing her father's words, Rowena's eyes grew larger than a deer's caught in headlights.

Okay, this is an example of a very bad metaphor. If you're going to use a metaphor, use an original one. I don't even understand why one is needed here. Maybe instead, you could try just using imagery to describe it.

Sionarama wrote:The princess savored the rich taste of asparagus!

So we have a story about a princess living in a fairytale who is beautiful etc, and then suddenly you bring in asparagus. It seems quite out of place.

Sionarama wrote:the princess lay in a sorry wreck.

Really? She lay in a sorry wreck from just trying to break a bunch of asparagus. that's pretty pathetic... Also, I think you should specify that the asparagus is uncooked. I'm pretty sure that trying to break cooked asparagus would be very slimy, and it would certainly not break cleanly.

Sionarama wrote:As the one asparagus broke

As the single stalk broke

I get the vibe that maybe you're trying to write a mockery of the fairy tale genre, however it's not quite coming across. If that's what you intend, then I would suggest clarifying this to the reader but drawing their attention to it.

Try putting in little asides, such as "the old king was very wise, as old kings tend to be" in which the narrator directly points out that they are telling a story.

I'm not sure if that makes sense. If you want a great example of stories that don't quite take themselves seriously, try reading any book by Terry Pratchett, or "My New Really Epic Fantasy Series" by Garth Nix in his anthology Across the Wall.

I hope that this is helpful
Please let me know if you need any clarifications.

Alright, I have a few points
~Orginze into paragraphs. It gets to be headache-making. Anything else I have put in purple.

Sionarama wrote: In the crystal castle of the King of Camelot, on a clear and cold morning, came a cry of distress. King Clark, realizing his life was coming to an end, summoned his only daughter to his lavish bedchamber. The princess, young and lovely, with piercing blue eyes like a cloudless sky, and long blonde hair like golden wheat dancing in the wind, rushed to her father's bedside. The worried father explained his current predicament and the troubles that lay ahead like the breadcrumbs of Hansel and Gretel. “You must marry, Rowena,” explained King Clark, “for it is the only way to carry on my legacy.” But the princess refused profusely saying her heart only belonged to her papa. King Clark gave Rowena a knowing look and a wink as he called for his servants to bring a package of asparagus. Upon hearing her father's words, Rowena's eyes grew larger than a deer's caught in headlights.(This is WAY to modern of an analogy for this tim period The princess savored the rich taste of asparagus! As the rushed bundle appeared, the kind King Clark spoke the wisest advice he had ever spoken. The King told Rowena to break the bundle in half, but she did not prevail. After ten minutes of stubborn trial, the princess lay in a sorry wreck. How was she in a wreck?that doesn't make senseThen, he told the princess to take one of the asparagus and break it in half. As the one asparagus broke and fell to the floor, the princess gave her father a questioning look. The old king sighed and replied, “Unity gives strength.”

Hi there. Most of the points have already been covered so I need not say something. But there's this one thing. Split this into paras. It looks like a big bundle of words which scare readers.