Brother War

I wrote this villanelle for the Writing Olympics, and had a lot of fun doing it, which is a rarity for me when it comes to poetry. So, yus, here goes.

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Now hear the Horseman’s mighty roar
Revenge and Hate are best served hot
Death has much life in Brother War.

In blood and guts and so much gore
Souls of the bodies left to rot
Now hear the Horseman’s mighty roar.

Know this: your Glory is a whore
You men who seek it have forgot
Death has much life in Brother War.

And you that always search for more
For friends and lovers caring not
Now hear the Horseman’s mighty roar.

And you that always planned to soar
Know just what rising you have got
Death has much life in Brother War.

And you that came to ope the door
For Death can Justice know of not
Now hear the Horseman’s mighty roar
Death has much life in Brother War.

Hi there!

I'm not much familiar with the villanelle but I'm assuming that's why there's the repetition and all?

Small typo: "And you that came to ope the door." Open, I'm guessing? Another small comment, your punctuation doesn't seem too accurate with the sentence structure, which makes it hard to read at first. The best example of this would be the first stanza.

My biggest question to this poem would be, why is it Brother war? Brother means it is related to something - who is related to war? Since it's called brother war, and you say it over and over again, I would love to know, who is wars brother? What family are they in? What does it mean? If you did something to show that peace is a brother of war - if you were going for the theme of "you need war to have peace", this would be a great idea - then it would make more sense. I like the idea of "brother" war, but I think the poem would work so much better as a whole if the word "brother" had a purpose in the poem, if war was really personified as a brother to something.

I absolutely love how the language seems so old styled. It's marvelous, and I give you many props for that. My favorite stanza would have to be this one:

Know this: your Glory is a whore
You men who seek it have forgot
Death has much life in Brother War.

Glory being capitalized is wonderful. Again, I think you should play up as much personification with this as possible, that will be its strong point since war involves many, many people. Maybe war is brother to Glory? If you made war and glory your characters, so to speak, you could do so, so much with this.

Also props for using the word whore in such an ornate poem, if you will? I think that's the right word I'm looking for, ornate. I almost want to see this idea expanded, see a picture painted of how glory is a whore, because it could be such an awesome, powerful, beautiful picture. Viking warriors dinning, showing off their spoils to family members and clan members... for some reason I see them as vikings, hah, is this just me?

Anyway! I hope this helped. I know I didn't get too specific or anything, but I thought I wouldn't overwhelm you, and really, it's a grand poem it could just use a handful of meat. If you have any questions or want something more, just let me know!

-Suzanne

My biggest question to this poem would be, why is it Brother war? Brother means it is related to something - who is related to war? Since it's called brother war, and you say it over and over again, I would love to know, who is wars brother? What family are they in? What does it mean? If you did something to show that peace is a brother of war - if you were going for the theme of "you need war to have peace", this would be a great idea - then it would make more sense. I like the idea of "brother" war, but I think the poem would work so much better as a whole if the word "brother" had a purpose in the poem, if war was really personified as a brother to something.

It's a reference to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. According to legend, Death, War, Famine and Disease are brothers who control all that stuff. For this, I blame Terry Pratchett. Sorry, if I didn't make that clear enough. I'll have to think about that one.

Thanks for the review!

Heya Grin!

Okay, I loved this loads. At first I wasn't sure about your rhyme because it seemed a little force and cheesy, but as I read on it worked more for me and got better and better. I slowly grew to love it. I thought the imagery you gave me was a little bit comical though and I'm not sure if you wanted me to go away with this affect; I blame this on the rhyme, it some how manipulated me into imagining this in a very graphic-novel way as opposed to imagining the actual horrors of war. In a sense it also sounded a little heroic, which I have to admit, I admired. I think you should definitely write more poetry because this was a fun read!

Keep it up,
Ben

Hiya Grin! Let's just say I'm impressed with you trying to tackle a villanelle; they're very hard to do, and you did quite a nice job! Like BenFranks said, it was very fun to read, and I commend you for that!

However, there were a few things, minor sentences and jumbled lines that could be fixed. See below!

Big_Cheesy_Grin wrote:Revenge and Hate are best served hot

Two things! First, hate shouldn't be capitalized. It's not a proper noun, and it's not part of a title, and it's not at the beginning of your sentence. Secondly, what do you mean by, "served hot"? I'm thinking of food right now, and I don't think that is a very good thing! Perhaps you could replace, "are best served hot" with something a bit more literal?

For friends and lovers caring not

'caring not' seems a bit awkward to me. It seems very forced, and I understand that you're under the restriction of a rhyme scheme, but there are other ways of making it fit without this seeming like a mouthful. Perhaps, 'You think your friends and lovers care, when really they do not' would work.

And you that came to ope the door

open?

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Anyway, I did really like this! Good luck, and send me a PM if you have any questions!

-Elinor