(E&iC) Modern Angers. [Adult Humour]

Earth & Its Contents
By Ben Franks

Here is another extract from my humour, column-based book. Please bare in mind it contains adult humour.

MODERN ANGERS

There are a lot of things that wind me up in the world, just like there are also a lot of things that don't. Writing, such as this very column, helps us to relieve ourselves of any angers we have, or even to relieve ourselves of any irratant.

In a way, writing is a little bit like weed killer. However, in a way it isn't. Me explaining this would cause this column to strive off onto a tangent, so I'll just let you imagine an unrecyclable plastic bottle labelled "Writing" quite badly and then a weed with Matt Damon's face stitched on every leaf.

So, this column is more general than most of the things I write. That's in the sense that I'm not going to type up a long description of something mildly irratating and then explain it to you as if a javelin of sarcasm had been thrown straight through my helplessly naive head. Unfortunately, this does mean I'm going to jump from one rant to another. In a way, this is a collection of annoying things being described briefly by a hormone draped teenager in his bedroom. In fact that's probably a pretty accurate description of this literate vomit you're reading right now.

Luckily, for your benefit and for the energy being held in my fingers, this is the end of the introduction to the column. This means you can sit back and relax with a hot mug of tea -- or coffee if you don't understand the concept of being normal -- and quietly agree with absolutely nothing that I say, besides the odd one or two sentences. If you do end up agreeing with the entire contents of this column, perhaps you should read up a bit on "How to get a life for Dummies" which is apparently available in all shit bookstores.

Oh, and by the way, for non-legal reasons and due to my agent's unwilling power to threaten me at gunpoint, I apparently have to inform you that this column contains Adult humour, under the impression that if I didn't warn you, you'd sue me. Of course that would've only happened because you'd brought the book and were too stupid to make sure it was out of reach from your 6 year-old who would much otherwise be running around your bedroom eating all the cotton from your pillows. Now, I don't want to know what goes on in your bedroom, but I wouldn't regard that as a favourable thing.

Right, let's crack on. My generalisation this week is on the Upper Class of Britain. Naturally the upper class are posh -- I mean wouldn't you be if you had a 70k a year income and we're getting "jolly taxed" on it? No, you're right, neither would I. The Upper class genuinely believe they are the cream of the cream. This is bollocks. The Upper Class would never know how to post a letter if they didn't have their Butler, Geoffreys, at hands reach 24 hours a day, 4,976 days a week. Neither would the upper class know how to polish a shoe or purchase a computer from a middle aged man working at PC World. The Upper Class probably don't even know what a Citroen is.

However, despite what you may be thinking, or even what I may be thinking, the upper class will always bend down to society. In a sense, if society told the posh people to pay up and fund the NHS or they'd blow up your 30 million pound extension as tax, they'd do it. In fact, in all ways, the upper class truly lick the bell-ends of modern society. So, why do they always think they're above us?

Well, I'm generalising, obviously. Yet, most of them do. I saw the survey that proved it right on this link here: http://www.theresnosuchwebsiteasthis.co ... statistics -- check for yourself. The truth is, if you met an upper class person in a pub and they commented on the fact that they supported Swansea, eventhough they're not Welsh, then you'd happily punch them in the face. They would've only of course made this claim because they know that the next person in line to the thrown is the Prince of Wales and he'll be the one passing the laws on their future taxes. Not to mention the fact they're too uneducated to know that the Prince of Wales isn't actually Welsh and that their whole private school education only taught them how to dodge taxes.

So, all-in-all, we own you upper class. Next time you try and avoid paying for the NHS, we'll find you and we'll blow up your extensions personally... And with a vendetta.

Heya Benny boy!

I enjoyed this quite a lot, you made many points that I agree heartily with. The only thing is that you kind of get wrapped up in metaphors, and it makes it hard to get through. Like the one about weeds, I read it over and over again, and it still only makes partial sense to me. So maybe try toning it down a tad okay?

I've always found it funny that the higher classes look down on those with "lesser jobs" and "lesser education" when in reality they have way better life skills, and useful knowledge.

Love your stuff Ben, keep it up .

~Hope

Thankyou Hope!

This is a very funny, and true, piece of work. I like every bit of it, and I hate to be the guy who does the serious review, but I did notice one thing...

Earth & It's Contents

this should be Its. The apostrophe makes a smaller version of It Is, but I'm sure you knew that already. Good job, and keep writing!

Thanks

Hey Ben!

Yay, new column! I like the theme for this one, it's a good topic for humour.

Now, as Vas said, I hate to be the one giving the serious review here, but there are a couple of points you need to iron out.

Introduction:

Woah, dude, this is long! And mainly not needed here. For instance, the part about writing. It doesn't add anything to the column and, well, is frankly confusing. Why not just delete it? You want to extend the point of your article, not the introduction!
Another point about the introduction is that you don't really want to talk around the piece you're writing ... it's kind of boring and, to be frank, the reader doesn't actually care. The bit I'm talking about, in case you don't understand, is:

So, this column is more general than most of the things I write. That's in the sense that I'm not going to type up a long description of something mildly irratating and then explain it to you as if a javelin of sarcasm had been thrown straight through my helplessly naive head. Unfortunately, this does mean I'm going to jump from one rant to another. In a way, this is a collection of annoying things being described briefly by a hormone draped teenager in his bedroom. In fact that's probably a pretty accurate description of this literate vomit you're reading right now.

Reader. Does. Not. Care. They want to laugh about what you're writing, not have you take up an entire paragraph talking about HOW you're going to talk about what you're talking about. And also, the paragraph is untrue as the latter half of your article is pretty clear (probably because your introduction took up all the space, no?)

So, that leads me onto my next point.

Keep it simple...

Really. Keep it simple. Humour at it's best is frank (did you notice that I keep slipping that in? ), forthright, and honest. It doesn't need to be wrapped up in unneeded metaphors and 25 billion paragraphs of rambling. I don't know if this helps you, but it seems to me that a lot of your writing rambles. Sometimes, it can be funny, but with your columns I think you need to tone it down a little and stick to the point. Coherence is always appreciated.

... But don't keep it too simple.

Confusing, right? Well, basically, I think you should extend your point more. It was the bit I was most interested in, and it only took up ... what, three paragraphs? Four at the most. You have space ... use it. Just not on the meaningless stuff.

Uh, that's all for now. I need to go eat. I might come back later, though.

~Amy

Thanks for the feedback, Amy