The Robyn Academy ~ Prologue [new~final]

Bubblegum, I have to say, this is head and shoulders above your last version! Great, great job! I don't know how you could turn things around so quickly, but it's clear that you definitely took everyone's advice to heart and used it to make it better! I'm completely surprised.

There were a few typos here and there, but I can't hold it against you, especially since this is translated from another language (I...think?). Just...good work.

I could dance for you right now! Heehee!

-Knightley

Mr.Knightley wrote:*Review*

-Knightley

Aww. Thank you so much! Actually, I didn't translate the whole thing. I wrote it in English. But some of the sentences are kind of translated, but they're still edited..
Again, thank you. Well, I guess all I needed was a little support. : )

Here as requested. Sorry it took so long. I forgot about my wrff after nobody posted in it for like two weeks.

I don't have to much to critique after to all the other people before me. I don't want to sound mean, but it wasn't really my kind of thing, so I didn't really like it. The sentences were awkward, randomly throwing in bits of extra info in the middle. i think it has potential though. At first, I though you were like rewriting Alice in Wonderland, but later found out that you weren't. For future reference, if you really want to hook somebody into your writing, at least in my opinion, your going to either put more in, or don't have everything happen so quickly in like two sentence paragraphs. I guess for a first go it was okay. But, I'm sure in the future I'll be back with much more positive reviews.

~Valentine

Valentine wrote:Here as requested. Sorry it took so long. I forgot about my wrff after nobody posted in it for like two weeks.

*Review*
~Valentine

That's okay. Thanks anyway : )

Yo, this is Saya, first time reviewing.
Your prologue captured my attention, though it sounded like sarcasm. (No offense.)
Anyway, keep writing! I look forward to the next part.

I bent down over a sink in a bathroom I’ve never been into. How did I ended(you never use past form with did') up here? The last thing I could remember was that I lay on the bed; reading a book called Alice in Wonderland.


I took a look around. The bathroom was small; too small for my taste. The walls were black and the dim light hardly made the room any brighter. The floor was covered with dust and dirt and could have had use for a wash. Spider’s webs hang hung in the corners and black spiders climbed the ceiling.


My hands rested on each side of the ceramic sink while I pinched my eyes again. It felt like my head was going to explode any minute. Where did all this pain come from? I couldn’t remember having this during my reading. while reading


After several minutes, I looked up. I was looking out of a window, and a skinny girl with long blond hair looked back at me from the other side.


I lifted my right hand up to touch the window, and the girl lifted her left at the same time. She put her hand over mine.


The window was cold as ice. That girl had to be freezing cold. Why was she outside in the first place? It was winter after all and she didn’t worewear(the same mistake) more clothes than a dirty night gown.



I stared at the girl with wide eyes for a long time, and every minutetime(looks better) she stared back at me with the same look on her face.



When I realised why, I opened my mouth to scream but there was no sound coming out. The girl on the on the other side of what I thought was a window did the same thing.



The thing was that this wasn’t a window; but a mirror. The girl who reflected in the mirror was me. Me. The skinny girl with the long blond hair was now me. I couldn’t believe it. I looked like a ghost.



“Gwen!” I heard someone shout from a place that seemed miles away before everything suddenly turned black. Before I knew it, I looked at the ceiling of my own bedroom…

Was the girl out the same girl from beginning or she changes later to become Gwen?
Nice Prologue, dear and you should continue it.
you ahve major problem with 'did'. Your grammar needs serious work. Why is it called Robyn Academy? I hope you will come onto that later as this is just a prologue. This is just how a prologue is meant to be like.

shubhiloves2write wrote:*Review*

Was the girl out the same girl from beginning or she changes later to become Gwen?
Nice Prologue, dear and you should continue it.
you have major problem with 'did'. Your grammar needs serious work. Why is it called Robyn Academy? I hope you will come onto that later as this is just a prologue. This is just how a prologue is meant to be like.

Thanks for helping. : )
Maybe you'll find out later in the story? xD