Message in a Bottle(edited)

As my mind unfolds at night,
I wonder where we stand.
Your heart was once my shelter.
You gave me the key,
and I made it my home.
Do I still live there,
or am I an ebbing memory
dying in the back of your mind?
I could accept this,
so long as I'm with you.
Just give me your opinion,
send me a message in a bottle.

A/N: Thanks to all the people who reviewed the first time. Here is try 2 for this poem. It really means a lot to me and I'm trying to make it worth something, so your help is very appreciated.

Hey Brainy! Tigress here to review for you yet again!

Now before I start, I just want to say that your poetry is lovely. I'm not very good at critiquing, but I love to read it and tell you what I think needs work and what I happened to love about it.

What I disliked:
Some of your lines were short and sweet while others took up way to much space. I suggest looking over your lines and either making them shorter or longer. I liked the short lines such as -

As I lie awake at night,
I wonder where we stand.
Do you still feel the same?
Do I still live in your heart?

This flowed nicely and I suggest that you make the other lines fit better with there. Some were much too long. :/

Next, I just want to say that it's very, very difficult to write a poem actually using "I." Trust me. (; But I think you did alright with this. Still, I, the reader, couldn't exactly relate to it which could be a bad thing.

Now for my likes:

I could accept the change.
But I don’t want to.
So please let me know.
Send me a message in a bottle.

A great way to end the poem. You don't make this a long drawn out sob "story" so to speak. So then the reader doesn't feel like vomiting. (; Good.

This poem is so thoughtfull and emotionall! It would have been nice if you rhymed, but I love it w/o the rhyming!

Hey there! Cool poem you have here, I think you've got some good lines but maybe you could add some more imagery and make it flow a little more smoothly. Here's a few suggestions:

As I lie awake at night, [I'd like to see a slightly more creative first line. Maybe you could have something like, 'I can't catch my sleep at night,' or, 'As my mind unfolds at night']
I wonder where we stand. [Maybe lay instead of stand? That would connect to the bed/ night imagery and you could add another line with a little more description. Like, 'In cocoons tucked out of sight']
Do you still feel the same?
Do I still live in your heart?
Or do I live only in your memories? [Sometimes a question in a poem is good but three all so close together lose their power. I'd suggest re-phrasing. Possibly change those last two lines to something like,
'Here's my chamber in your heart,
do you still have the key
or is it a wilting memory?']
You’re so far away, I could understand,
I could accept the change.
But I don’t want to. [Your grammar is a little strange here. Perhaps instead of ending the previous or next lines with full stops, have brackets around this line so that the flow isn't disrupted.]
So please let me know.
Send me a message in a bottle.

I love the ending line. I'd like to see you work your imagery around that more. Maybe describe the feeling of being stranded on an island, apart from him and waiting for word/ rescue.

In general, I like what you've got but I want more. It's a short poem and the ideas are there but they feel disconnected and under-developed. Take the time to add some similes and metaphors and build on this. Thanks for the read, keep writing!

Heather xx

Hey!

I love the simplicity, and found it very relatable. I wish it rhymed here and there, or maybe an alliteration or two. Other than that I enjoyed it.

Love and all that jazz.
Herzing

Thank you all so much for the reviews. They are much appreciated.

I will take all of your advice into considersation.

Hey Chic,

This was a good lil' poem lot of power in just a little bit, and i thin you picked a topic that most people can relate to. - Kudos

had strong ballad stanza feel until about halfway through and those are always fun to read. Than it breaks in the 5th line, its Great timing. Almost as if the narrator realizes that they are just a minor memory, its like they trip over the thought. Than the rest of the poem is random - like freedom, free verse - you know? I really like it.

The message in a bottle is a classic.

Hey, Brainy, here as you requested.

I like the image in the ending a lot. However, this is an edited version, and having skimmed the reviews other people have given to you, I can say that I preferred the original ending. What I believe happened is that you went a bit excited with your editing and coming up with alternative ways to express yourself, and you ended up changing stuff you wouldn't have had to. I mean, sure, nothing is ever perfect, but I just think "give me your opinion" is much weaker than "please let me know". It also seems a little odd -- you would say "give me your opinion" when you're wondering if a dress looks good on you or something. But in this case, the narrator wants to know what's going on between them and the other person, and it seems they're desperate -- so the edited ending just sort of doesn't get there.

Do I still live there,

This also seemed a bit odd. I think that if I'm right and the narrator still has feelings for the other person, they would ask something like "Do you still want me to live there?" because if their feelings haven't changed, they're still living there, you know, if the other person just wants them to. I hope I'm not too confusing, heh. I mean, ask yourself if you're still living there, not them.

I could accept this,
so long as I'm with you.

Did you mean "as long as"?


You're definitely getting there and you have potential! You just need some more practice and different views. I hope I could help you!


Demeter
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