Cool as! Where is the rest of this masterpiece; I want to read more!
I once tried to write a scene like this...needless to say it did not work out half as well as this.
“Why the fuck are you laughing?” It doesn't fit into the vision of WW1. Replace "fuck" with something else. I think people were either too polite or too vulgar to say "fuck".
The way you set out the scene describes the characters well. Adele is carefree, (at the moment anyway) and Holstein is the robotic-dutiful military type. Excellent combination. Not original, but what is these days? Wow I sound like such a granny
like,” she panted for breath, “to.... Get rid of "for breath". It disrupts the flow of the sentence.
The way Holstein slings her over his back and the way she runs makes the reader think of a really slim, small, feminine character--or maybe that's just me.
It would be a really nice movie to watch, judging from this scene. I know what I said just then was totally random but when I review all I do is just type what pops into my head.
Hey, this is very well written. I did enjoy reading it. However, I do have a few issues with it.
1. Adele is French. Holstein is German. Shouldn't there be a language barrier there? If they are speaking German, then some of the phrases such as: "You don’t know what it’s like" wouldn't make any sense. In German, they don't use the word "like" nearly as much as we Americans do. So that phrase doesn't make sense. I don't speak French, but either way I feel that the formality of the dialogue is off for what language they are speaking. It also seems oddly coincidental that they are both fluent in the same language considering they are from different countries.
2. What the heck is Adele doing behind the German lines? Wtf? Even if she's a French spy or whatever, she wouldn't be on the German front lines, like where all the fighting is at, if that's what you mean. She would have already been shot anyway. Holstein wouldn't have bound her up and taken her with him - he would have shot her. Or another soldier would have shot her. Either way, the entire chase scene is not realistic.
At the end they say that they're at a camp... So she was found walking around a German camp? Yeah, she would have been shot already. Chances are, she would have been shot before she even made it to the camp-thing.
3. Holstein's name bugs me. Yes, it is a German word. Actually, its a territory in Northern Germany (at least in the late 1800's, I learned about it in history today haha). It would be like naming your baby "California." In other words, its a funky name. In America, Holstein is a breed of dairy cow. Funky funky. There's a million other cooler German names to choose from. Pick one of those! Please change it, I actually hate it. haha.
4. If Adele's leg was bleeding profusely, she simply would not be able to run. End of story.
5. Bek has already pointed this out, but this is rank with odd phrasing. Here are some examples:
“You don’t know what it’s like,” she panted for breath, “to be me.”
The way this is broken up is just weird, it makes the sentence clunky.
Her maddening smile, renowned across two nations for its beauty
I'm confused as to whether she is smiling like a madman or if her smile makes men go crazy..? *And there are way too many commas all over. Like where you don't even need them. Read this again and take out like half the commas. Actually, read it out loud and only put punctuation marks where you feel the need to pause and take a breath.
This may have been overwhelmingly negative, but this is a good piece. I gave you the good critique that you deserve, as you are a good writer.
