Mark of The Stones Chapter 7 (edited)

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“Voices, two no, three of them.” Kala said as she crouched lower to the ground. “They’re wearing heavy armor.”
“I can’t hear anything. Friend or foe?” Joshua asked, also lowering himself beside Kala a tad bit confused.
“Foe. No Pelian wears armor that heavy.” Kala stated in a hushed tone.
They hid their things and equinas in the brush. Kala led as they made their way through the dense foliage. As they neared, they placed themselves on a cliff overlooking a clearing. From behind the brush, they could see two foot soldiers clad in heavy, rust red armor, armed to the teeth. Behind them, a large ship, as big as a house.
“They’re scouts.” said Kala after observing them.
Milhad started to fidget and started to stutter. Kala and Joshua shushed him but he kept going on.
“But… but… there are… they are going to… eep.” stuttered Milhad as Kala and Joshua observed the enemy.
“Shut up Milhad!” Joshua spat out.
Kala took out her satchel and got a few small, round stones. She picked out the red ones and gave some to Joshua.
“Don’t swallow.” she said quietly. She then put some in her mouth.
They resembled the ones given to him when he first got to Pelianor. He couldn’t ask what they were because Milhad interrupted.
“Umm… Kala, Joshua…we--” Kala and Joshua couldn’t make out the last words but were so irritated by Milhad’s noise and were about to wring his neck when a deep voice spoke.
“Put your hands above your head and turn around to face me. Quickly!”
Then, they turned backs carefully, they saw a soldier holding Milhad by his shirt. He was pointing a gun at them.
They did what the soldier told them to. Kala glanced at Joshua, he wasn’t able to swallow the stones. He was still clutching them in his left hand which means he was defenseless. The soldier caught Kala’s quick eye. “You! Drop whatever it is you’re holding!” He pointed the gun to Joshua.
Joshua dropped the stones. The soldier took a look at this and this minor distraction was enough for Kala. She punched the air then a fireball erupted from her fist. It hit the soldier and he was knocked out. His armor was singed but he himself seemed untouched. Joshua picked up the fallen stones.
“Put them in your mouth.” ordered Kala. “There are more and they must have heard the blast, so be alert.”They took his weapons and tied him up to a tree.
“Uh, I think I’ll stay here and make sure that he doesn’t escape.” Milhad said shakily.
Kala and Joshua spotted the two other soldiers guarding their ship. They were trying to contact the other soldier it seemed. They must have heard the blast. Kala and Josh ambushed them and they didn’t stand a chance. Kala hit the first one while Joshua took out the second simultaneously. They were both unconscious. But before Kala and Joshua could look inside the ship, one of the foot soldiers who had only been stunned hit a button on his arm band and it started beeping.
“Joshua.” she glanced at the arm band “A bomb!”
Joshua and Kala hauled the tied up soldiers as fast as they possibly could. They had just reached the tree line when the ship exploded. Kala pulled Joshua behind a large tree as a large exploding sound nearly deafened them. Debris, smoke and charred ship pieces were the only things left. Kala let out a sigh as she gasped for air and Joshua slump down at the base of a tree trunk. Kala let out a heavy breath and stood, and without saying a word she started to drag the soldiers towards the direction they left Milhad at. Joshua grabbed one of them. She looked so pissed. What's with her?, Joshua asked after he saw the frustration in her eyes that she didn't want to show. probably just the adrenaline,he dismissed.

“What was that?!?” asked a worried Milhad.
“Don’t worry” Kala spoke monotonously as she shoved one of the soldiers against the tree. “It was just a bomb.”
“It was JUST a bomb?” asked Milhad astounded.
“This smarty-pants over here set it off” said Joshua looking at the soldier he was dragging towards the tree.
“Smarty pants?” asked Milhad.
“It means he’s not so smart … but… he’s smart… and uh… in an irritating sort of way.” said Joshua in a futile attempt to explain it.
“I don’t get it.” replied Milhad while scratching his head.
“Never mind! It’s just another expression.” said Joshua.
Meanwhile, Kala was busy. She tightened the soldiers’ bounds and made sure they could not escape, checking for hidden knives and guns. Both of the soldiers were in a daze. Kala threw some water from a nearby spring at the soldiers to wake them up. The other soldier, the first to be caught, tried to dodge the water.
“What are you doing here?” asked Kala.
“Our masters will conquer you,” said one of the soldiers “they will enslave you.” continued the other. “They will destroy you.” said the last one. They sounded monotonous and as if they were under mind-control.
Kala punched one of them. “Were you sending out information?”
Yet again, they said the same things.
“Let’s face it; they’re not going to tell us anything.” Joshua said.
“Fine.” she said backing up from the soldiers. “At noon, villagers trek up this path to the mountains to collect herbs. They will deal with these three.” she said with a scowling face as she turned away from them.
They started back to their equinas. They were surprised, for when they got back they discovered that their equinas were wounded, slashed in their knees. The equina were all bleeding profusely.
“I should have known!” said Kalain a frustrated tone, she furiously punched a tree.
“Why are you so frustrated?” asked Joshua, the concern in his tone was very discernable.
Milhad merely put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder and when Joshua looked back Milhad just shook his head implying not to push the subject.
“Leave me.” Kala said. Joshua and Milhad walked away to find some shade and water.
Kala took out her satchel and got violet stones. She put them in her mouth and knelt beside the wounded equina who were whinnying. She put her hand on the wounds and they healed. She did the same to the other two equina. She then put them back in the satchel.
“Shh Reyta, I’m here girl. I’m sorry they hurt you.” she patted the white equina. “Dulin, brave one, you fought courageously. I’m proud of you.” she whispered to the brown one with stab marks on its sides. “Teta, you will get better. They will not hurt you again.” She kissed the palomino.
After a while, Joshua and Milhad returned, canteens filled with water.
“They have lost too much blood. We cannot fly today, we must go tomorrow.” she said in a serious tone.
She did not talk for the rest of the day except to say when she would go off hunting for their meal or to get water for the equinas. Joshua and Milhad both steered clear of Kala. She seemed out of it right after the attack but she was sober by the end of the day.
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!




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Hey there TH! Sorry it took so long to comment, I've been really busy lately. So here I go...

TreeHugger12 wrote:Then, they turned backs carefully, they saw a soldier holding Milhad by his shirt.

There's two ways of going about this; either say "they turned carefully" or "they turned their backs carefully". I think the second one would be better

TreeHugger12 wrote:“Joshua.” she glanced at the arm band “A bomb!”

Switch the period for a comma and then the A in minuscule

TreeHugger12 wrote:Joshua and Kala hauled the tied up soldiers as fast as they possibly could.

Um, if it's really a bomb, I think there first reaction would be to get the HELL out of there :lol:

TreeHugger12 wrote:What's with her?, Joshua asked after he saw the frustration in her eyes that she didn't want to show. probably just the adrenaline,he dismissed.

When your MC is thinking, you don't need to put the writing like that of a dialogue. You just put it as a normal sentence. So no comma after the ? and the p is capital and there's no need for the comma after adrenaline

TreeHugger12 wrote:“Our masters will conquer you,” said one of the soldiers “they will enslave you.” continued the other. “They will destroy you.” said the last one

Okay this part is cool, but you should separate it into different lines:
"Our master will conquer you." said one of the soldiers.
"They will enslave you." continued the other.
"They will destroy you." said the last one.

TreeHugger12 wrote:“I should have known!” said Kalain a frustrated tone, she furiously punched a tree.


I thought the chapter was good, but maybe you should have made it a little longer. It seems really short and the end of the chapter doesn't help; it makes it seem not finished. Over all though, good chapter.
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Hey Treehugger! Nice story, but I have a few points to point out.

(1) The first ‘quest’ seemed far too easy. They simply flew there, grabbed the stone, and then flew right back. Also, the bit about Kala getting hit by a stream was too bland for an action scene, but not important enough for to have a whole scene to itself. I mean, she comes right back up smiling again, which totally cancels any little suspension you may have had by that point (remember to build up suspension a little more solidly) so you may as well use that part to your benefit. You could work on Josh and Kala’s relationship a little more. Josh could scream to her, showing that he did care, and she could come up smiling, resulting in Joshua’s embarrassment.

(2) Josh and Milhad seem absolutely useless. Except for parts in fights scenes (which are, by the way, quite bland) they don’t seem to do much. She hunts for a meal, she heals the equines, she punches out the soldier with a fireball (which was extremely cliché, by the way; I suggest you remove it). I think Josh and Milhad need to bring something to the table, or else they’re just ornamental.

(3) I recently read a very good piece (link here) about fantasy works, and yours answers a few of the questions quite rightly. Below are just a few, and all of them could be a yes in your case.

1. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
2. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
3. Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
4. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
5. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
6. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal? (Or, in your case, Treehugger, ‘hunting for a meal’. Do you think bunny mothers raise their little bunnies solely for the purpose of feeding your expert hunter MC? )

(4) Perhaps you should rethink the bad guys, since they seem so much like the typical orc. Rusty armor? Mindless phrases? I think you should just rethink them…and then think again about your rethinking. Also, it seems quite unlikely that two kids (and Josh an inexperienced fighter, as I’m assuming) would be able to take on three bad guys without receiving a scratch. Milhad, as far as I and the fight scenes are concerned, is useless, and should be cut out entirely.

But it’s all your choice.

Hope I helped. I also hope you don't think my review is too harsh. Didn't mean for it to be.

Keep writing!

Jenth
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^Jenth: Nah, I think I do need a little harshness, I haven't been taking this seriously enough.
^Writingspitfire: I really appreciate your review, and thanks for all the time you've (wasted?) given reading this.

To both, I really appreciate the time you've both allotted for reading my story. Thanks, alot.
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!



Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
— Pablo Neruda