Last edited by napalmerski on Sat Nov 06, 2010 5:33 am, edited 2 times in total.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Hey, this is great. I just skimmed this, but there were a couple things I noticed:
1) Repetition of certain phrases. For example, you use the word glistening like five times. Same thing with hooligan. Why not just say men?
2) I can't really tell the setting in this. I would think that it was in America if not for all the foreign words. Are they an actual language or are they names you made up?
3) The MC's name is a girl name. But he's a boy, right? Sorry, but I'd change that.
Whoa, was this like a Clockwork Orange/Akira crossover? Sweet...
Dear Master, who art in the sky, prayed silently Elisha, glory to your power, save your poor slave Elisha. Save me from this evil men.
I would suggest italicizing Elisha's thoughts to make them easy to distinguish. I was confused a few times and not sure if something was a thought or a continuation of the prose.
I liked the "bookend" nature of the mentions of mist at the beginning and end. It was a nice touch.
All in all, this was pretty cool. The sense of the world was very strong.
Yo, GryphonFledgling, this is absolutely a Clockwork Orange/Akira crossover as a setting, you don't know how happy you made me by deducing that. Long live literacy and perceptivity hahaha
Lena, thank you also for your feedback! Elisha is a man's name. For instance here:
23 And Elisha went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them
...I'm glad you noticed that there is some repetition going on. The descriptive narrative in the story is made up almost entirely of the repetition of the following: - pavement glistening from the drizzle - light fog swirling in the shadowy corners of the street - he risked a glance - clenched his fists - his stomach knotted Thanx to both again. Akiraaaa
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
Lena, just remembered you asked questions, which I didn' answer. Sorry. 1. The location and time are unclear. It's a mix of a futuristic dystopian Britain as envisioned in the 1960's, and a futuristic dystopian Japan as envisioned in the 1980's. 2. The language is mainly 'nadsat' as invented by Anthony Burges, but I've taken a few liberties with it
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness. Robert Howard
You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason. — Anne Lamott
