Dream world 2

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"What things?" she inquired while turning down Rodriguez Street.
"The night that those two men killed my parents, they beat and raped my mother," He continued,"When I saw him hit you it brought back the feeling of helplessness I felt that night." Susan drove on, the only sound that filled the awkward silence was the wisp of the wind being pushed through her cracked window. She pulled into the Airview Mall and let him out...
"Remember meet me back her at three o'clock or we'll both be in trouble," Susan reminded him. Erik grinned at her.
"I'll be here," Erik replied as he walked into the overly crowded building. As soon as he entered the revolving doors he was greeted by his best friend Gorgie...
"Hey, long time no see," she joked her blue eyes glittering with laughter. Erik wrapped her in a hug savoring the security and feeling of being wanted she always made him feel. Georgie's brother Mason emerged from American Eagle holding up a bag cheerfully.
"Don't tell me you got that stupid hoodie," Georgie begged.
"Steph will love it," Mason said looking smitten just thinking about his girlfriend.Georgie rolled her eyes.
The three of them wandered around the mall laughing at all the over priced close and the amount of people who actually payed those prices.
"Aw, isn't that cute the freaks are traveling in a herd," Jordan,one of Ethan's many jock friends gibed.
"Oh look the prep squad just arrived," Georgie replied.
"I don't know why she argues with him we all know she likes him," Erik thought to himself. Jordan turned red with fury.
"Let it go man," Leroy, the quarterback suggested. Jordan backed away with his friends but his coffee brown eyes remained on Georgie.
"I'm hungry," Mason announced. Georgie laughed...
"You're always hungry," She pointed out. Mason pouted pretending to be hurt by his sister's words.

"Mason!" the unmistakable voice of his girlfriend called behind him. Georgie rolled her eyes
"What are you doing here?" Stephany inquired innocently.
"Hanging out with my sister and Erik," he replied with a smile.
"I'm kinda hungry,"Stephany offered innocently.
"You two go get something to eat and meet us back here in an hour,"Erik suggested. Mason gave him a grateful glance before rushing off with the overly preppy girl.

"He really does want to be around you," Georgie whispered.
"I know, but he wants to be with someone who is always going to be around," Erik replied.
"I wish my mother could have adopted you," Georgie said quietly.
"Me too sometimes," Erik replied.
"Just sometimes?" she inquired.
"Yeah," He responded.
"Why?" she demanded suddenly sounding angry.Erik grinned and bent his head down towards her and pressed his lips to hers. She looked at him trying to make sense of what had just happened.
"Because I couldn't do that if we were related, I wanted to do that in case I didn't get the chance to do it again," Erik explained the corners of his lips pulled downward.
"What do you mean?" she questioned.
"I mean that Susan and I may have to leave to get away from Brian," Erik said sadly.
Tears blurred her vision.
"Please don't cry," Erik begged his heart breaking with every tear she shed because of him. Georgie pulled Erik close and cried into his chest.
"I'll be back," he promised.
"You can't leave," Georgie pleaded. Erik looked down at her and knew that he wouldn't be able to.
"We'll try to work something out," he promised looking down at the cheap watch.
"Tell Mason that I'm sorry, but if I don't get out to the parking lot now Susan and I will be in trouble," Erik said before kissing her and jogging to go meet his foster mother.

"Right on time," she said with a vibrant smile. Erik raised his eyebrow in confusion.
"I know where we can go," Susan nearly sang.
"I can't go with you, go somewhere far away," Erik cut her off before she could get ahead of herself.
"what do you mean you can't come?" she asked.
"I can't leave Georgie," he replied with a smile at the thought of his friend. Susan frowned but accepted the news. Susan turned down Parker and Main before pulling into Kasey's Beauty Salon.
"Why are we here?" Erik asked distrustfully.
"I can't make it obvious that I'm leaving him for Stewart,"Susan explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"It's just hair,it'll grow back," he chanted to himself silently while the top hairdresser hacked at his black hair.
"You're way over due for a haircut," she exclaimed when the two of them had walked in.

"I look so stupid," Erik said when they were safely out of the hairdresser's ear shot.
"I think it looks fine you'll get used to it," she replied.

The ride back to 243 Ramon Ln was filled with Susan's nervous chatter...
"Good bye Erik, you take care of yourself,"Susan Mcvay instructed sounding like a concerned mother. He nodded and slammed the passenger door trying to make it appear that everything was the same as usual.
"Where is she going?" Brian asked as his wife backed out of the driveway.
"To the grocery store," Erik responded.
"Why didn't she do that while she was out?" he demanded sounding suspicious.
"She said that I was going to embarrass her so she brought me home," Erik lied. Brian laughed at his wife's remark all disbelief disappearing from his eyes.
Erik sighed when he was safely behind his closed door.




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Hey there! Classy here again.

Confusion

This piece was so much better than your first, but I am seriously confused.

I can't make it obvious that I'm leaving him for Stewart,"Susan explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

This sentence seems random, and I don't get it at all. Who is Stewart, and what does this have to do with them going to cut his hair? You might want to reread it and try to figure out a simpler and easier to understand way to put this.

So... They decided in a matter of three hours that they were going to run away? Without even talking about it? it doesn't make much sense. You seem to be rushing now, which isn't good. Take your time. If this is going to be a novel, then you have plenty of room to get the story going.

As far as the steps of the Hero's Journey goes, I'm not sure what will happen now. He declined the opportunity for adventure. And now he's stuck in the house forever? Because the mother, who also wants to run away, though before said she didn't want to run away, left him there?

I think you need a more important reason for him to stay back. I mean, you said that Georgie liked the jock kid? So she doesn't like your MC at all, yet he feels like he has to stay back for her? I don't know. I mean, I see what you're trying to do, I'm just not sure if you're doing it the right way.

Summary

Read over what you wrote out loud before you post. It really helps. It's like you're another person reading it.

Be sure to not have utterly confusing and random sentences in your story.

Slow it down. You have however much time you want to start the adventure; it doesn't have to be in chapter 2.

Questions/comments, PM me.

Classy




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Points 2596
Reviews 26
Thank you for your review. I see what you are saying,but the fact that her husband is abusive is the reason she wants to leave and as in many cases of abuse or dissatisfaction with one's spouse they have a lover and that is who Stewart is. Not only is he staying for Georgie,he's staying so that his foster mother(no matter how terrible she was to him) will be able to escape without her husband figuring it out before it is too late for him to catch her, but you're right about Georgie, I'll have to fix that thank you. I will edit soon. And thank you for the advice



Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson