Last edited by fhwdf on Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?" ~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism
Now this is interesting. My biggest concern would be: What exactly are you talking about?
I get the vibe of madness, music, slight anger at the beginning. But what is the real point you are trying to get across. If you think of this poem as a rock that you are convinced has gold in its center, and when you finally crack it open... nothing.
You have a grasp on the limbs of poetry, but you're missing the center. Take an idea and carefully wrap it so that the center is carefully preserved. But enough with my metaphors.
Another problem would be all those hyphenated words. I don't see what they bring to your poem, both description wise and flow wise. They are words that a literally half binded together against will. It's choppy and forces the reader to make the connection between two things that you haven't built a bridge to connect them.
I hope that was useful to you.
Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin
I agree with Kamas: you need a bit more of an idea to drive the poem. In short, what is its point? You have a lot of potential here, with some very nice descriptions and even a little bit of a plot. I suggest a why: why is everyone angry and insane? Or perhaps you could make the first part the cause and add a second part for the effect. Tell your audience something more than a series of images (don't worry, I've struggled with this in my poetry as well. It is so simple to do!).
All right, now that you've had two reviewers telling you the same thing, you deserve a for all your troubles. Please revise this–it really could be quite excellent with just a little tweaking!
Cheers,
–antimelrose
Sabbatical isn't the right word, but it almost is. loves like a hurricane/i am a tree/bending the weight of his wind and mercy/dcb grace finds beauty in everything... makes beauty out of ugly things/U2
I agree that you might want to be more specific and ask yourself, why, why is this happening and what is going on? I too have trouble with getting my point across sometimes, but if you work this, it has the capability of being great. Over all, I really like your ideas and word formations, but you might want to work at structure a little more, but great job, keep writing!!
for all your troubles. Please revise this–it really could be quite excellent with just a little tweaking!
