MOD: rated 18+ for language.
When I fall asleep at night, I feel like my head is going to explode. I can't explain it any other way except to say, I get terrified and overwhelmed and it's a feeling so familiar I'm doing everything to avoid it these days. Nobody sees it coming, you know. Nobody ever really expects anyone else to basically drop off the face of the earth. There's always a part of you that fears they might, but when it happens, and it almost always does, you find yourself in complete shock. How you can be in shock, about something you obsess over every day, well, that's a fucking mystery.
I don’t know when it started, because I’ve never bothered to ask about how I slept as a baby. But most of my youngest memories involve sleep in some way. I was always afraid to go to bed, because I could never fall asleep without having all these terrible thoughts. And when I finally did surrender to that other world, it was full of monsters, oppressions, violence, and death. Sleep has never been a good thing for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of amazingly good dreams. I just wish I could say they made up for the bad ones. The dreams and memories (is there a difference, really?) that constantly haunt my subconscious. Claw at it, feed into it, pour into my mind ‘til I am all but defeated.
On a chilly March night, however, that all began to change.
