Coffee and cream. Drink, from a ceramic mug. Let the goodness flow. Mmm.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.
I really liked this haiku, just a couple of pointers to improve it.
the goodness flow. Mmm.
I think that you could have made that last line stronger and then you may not have needed to fill in the last syllable with an Mmm. Think of other words you could use to replace goodness. Or you could completely reword it to how the coffee makes you feel: relaxed or something like that.
Other than this I loved this haiku because I could just picture it, the ceramic mug the person sitting there with a cream mustache
I like the topic choice here, it's nice. Especially if you manage to make it poetic. However, there are a couple of points I need to make:
Firstly, your line breaks. The don;t make it very poetic. The great thing about writing a haiku is making all the syllables fit into the lines and sound lovely. For me, the fact that all of your sentences start on a line and then go onto another makes it quite awkward and not as poetic as it could be. Also, I would tighten up your word choice. The drinking from the mug part is nice, but the second part isn't so great. 'Let the goodness flow' doesn't really tell us anything, it's a little vague and doesn't add much to the idea of coffee. A better idea would be to describe the taste of it or something? Like the bitterness or whatever!
Hope this helps!
~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."
Hi Hippie! A haiku, eh? I like haiku; they are short, sweet and when done well, excellent story tellers. How did yours fare?
I thought it was okay. It tackled an interesting, yet original subject matter that I haven't really seen in haiku before. It definitely wasn't as bad as most poems I've read; I'll give you that. However, I'm going to have to agree with AquaMarine about your line breaks. They break up the poetic feel, as line breaks denote pause. It would be like putting a period in the middle of a sentence. Also, "drink" should not have a comma after it.
Keep writing, and PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor
All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them. -- Walt Disney
Haikus are difficult to critique, because they are largely personal. Their size lends to a difficulty of mastery, thereby reducing them to scraps that the author will undoubtedly keep to him or herself. Short poems are always the hardest. Either you have something important or cute to say, or you don't. Very rarely can a haiku be good enough to reach out to me and make me stop and think, "That is a real poem."
Don't get me wrong -- I love haikus. It's just that they are very difficult to do well, or they become mere gimmicks. Here, you fall victim to gimmickry. You were doing alright, until your last syllable "mmm". If possible, cut it out. It's unnecessary, and what's more, it throws of the flow.
Secondly, the enjambment in line one doesn't work for me. As a rule, avoid enjambment as much as possible in haikus. It throws of their mechanical mysticism.
-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair and can see only two choices: either go crazy or turn holy."
