Huntress~2

2















I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous break down. I’m floating through my classes in my own personal hell, waiting for something to happen, for something to scare me out.
I’m making my way to dinner, clutching my huge school bag over my shoulder. Something grabs my shoulder and I scream, a loud, earsplitting shriek.
“My god, Riss.” Chris says. I turn around to face him. My eyes are shooting death lasers at him.
“I have had one terrible day!” I snap at him.
“So just calm down.” Chris told me. His hair falls into his eyes and he flicks it out, his green eyes staring at me. I begin to head back down the stairs and into the Dining Hall. Chris catches up with me.
“I was just checking your ninja skills.” He insists. I glare at him.
“Thanks.” I say coldly and sit at my seat at the Green table.
At the Academy, we’re organized by years and colors. Greens are the second last year. The other greens file in around me and Pippa shoots me a sad face. I grin in return and wait for Janelle’s arrival.
She sweeps in, late, as always.
“Good evening Students.” She said. That is our cue to sit down. Plates of food are passed around as Janelle continues to talk, telling us about upcoming events. A beeper on her hip goes off.
“Áldás, diákok.” She says as a good bye. We mimic her as she dashes off. I look at Pippa, who’s staring at me.
“What was that about?” I ask. Ami and Chris shrug. Pippa seems off in her own little world.
“Hey, Pip.” I say, snapping my fingers in front of her face. Pippa is lost to the world. I eat minuscule bites, my stomach churning. Ami hands me a spoon.
“I thought you should know that you look like crap.” She says. I stare at the spoon. My golden eyes are dull and flat, and I feel like I could see the pimples growing.
“How so very nice.” I tell her dully. Pippa is out of her reverie and shoveling food into her mouth.
“What? Why do you eat so fast?” Ami asked her. Pippa flashes her a dark look.
“Weaponry.” Pip replies, trough a mouthful of half-chewed food. I wince. We have an hour of weaponry and an hour of options.
“What were you daydreaming?” Chris asks. I have forgotten he was right beside me. He is in a ‘quite’ phase. Pippa looks at him, like he has no right to know.
“None of your business.” Pippa snaps. Chris rolls his eyes, about to say something even ruder in return.
“Play nice.” I say lazily. Truth is, I can’t stand their fighting on the best of days and today it feels like little kids fighting over a toy.
I push away my plate and put my head on the table. A glass of water is pushed into my hand. I chug it back without a word, water dripping onto my Hunter tattoo.
We are all born with the Tattoo. It’s a simple red half circle, the other half appearing when we finish our transformation. It’s the only thing that marks us from normal humans.
I rub the tattoo and grab my bag. I’m fully intending to go and begin my weaponry class early. I’m not fast enough because the bell rings and I’m just leading the masses of students.
One stops me, and she’s wearing yellow, the symbol of a first year.
“Larissa Ryans?” She asks. I nod, not wanting to talk. She slips me a note and skips away. I tear open the seal and read over the paper. It’s blank. Instead, an eletric shock races through my blood and I drop the paper. I step back, horrified. I run away, leaving the paper in the dust.

Hey Kitx, here for the second review as promised.

I hope the previous one was helpful

I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous break down. I’m floating through my classes in my own personal hell, waiting for something to happen, for something to scare me out.

Ok, why? She seemed fine in the last chapter, ready to go back to class and all so why is she now having a breakdown?

The other greens file in around me and Pippa shoots me a sad face. I grin in return and wait for Janelle’s arrival.

Why is she grinning? A second ago, she was having a break down and now she grins when her friend looks sad???

Pippa seems off in her own little world.
“Hey, Pip.” I say, snapping my fingers in front of her face. Pippa is lost to the world.

You repeat 'own little world' twice. It's distracting.

I chug it back without a word, water dripping onto my Hunter tattoo.

Ok. You describe the tattoo but you don't mention where it is. On her boobs? Chin? Neck? Arm? And what is the origin of this tattoo? It would be a great opportunity to describe here, to give us some info. THe where, what, when and why of it, who first discovered it and so forth.


Kitx, I have to say that I really am intrigued by this story and these reviews are to help you. Keep that in mind, ok?

The sentences need some work. They are choppy and robotic almost. "She does this. SHe eats that. SHe is staring. She is shovelling."
You are going to have to blend your sentences, make them flow better. There are sections on this site to help better yourself if you're interested, it is under the tab 'writing resources'.

So far, we still know nothing. Except for Janelle. She is late as usual says a lot, you know. But so far, I get the impression that the MC is a rather selfish person. Her friend is obviously not doing good but she cares not enough to ask why? TO try to help her out? To figure out what her problem is? Does it tie in with the fact that she had been nudging her in the previous chapter? If yes, you must mention it.

All in all, I'm not going to go through a repeat of my previous chapter but keep what I said in mind. We as readers need to feel for the characters but if we know nothing about them, then you lost our interest.

One last mention. There are rules here in YWS, one of them being that you have to have a certain amount of reviews done to post your work. I'm not sure what it is now but it's something like for four reviews, you can post one chapter of your work. IF you check out the help tabs, you'll be able to find it. It's just the way that things work here. If you review for other people, they'll review for you.

Hope this was helpful and I'm looking forward to reading your next chapter.

Tanya

Hey Kitx! Nice job on the second part. The huge blank space at the top is kind of annoying, though. Anyways, some little things I noticed:

“So just calm down.” Chris told me.

You can't change tenses halfway through. It should be "tells."

“I was just checking your ninja skills.” He insists.

"He" doesn't need to be capitalized. And there should be a comma between the word "skills" and the quotation mark, not a period.

At the Academy, we’re organized by years and colors. Greens are the second last year. The other greens file in around me and Pippa shoots me a sad face. I grin in return and wait for Janelle’s arrival.

This kind of reminds me of Harry Potter. Each house sat at a different table during meals, and the headmaster would sometimes give a speech. It's not like you're copying Harry Potter, though, so it's not a bad thing. I'm just a Harry Potter geek, so I notice things like that.

We have an hour of weaponry and an hour of options.

I'm not sure what you mean by the "hour of options" part. Is there a class called Options, or do you mean something else?

“What were you daydreaming?” Chris asks.

It seems like you left out a word here. Shouldn't it be "what were you daydreaming about[/quote]?"

I tear open the seal and read over the paper. It’s blank. Instead, an eletric shock races through my blood and I drop the paper. I step back, horrified. I run away, leaving the paper in the dust.

Interesting. But I thought she was standing in a crowded hallway. Wouldn't it be hard for her to run away? She would have to push past people and weave between them, and I'm sure everyone would be staring.

Not a bad second chapter! I still feel like I don't have enough information about the characters or about what, exactly, Vampire Hunters are, though. I hope you'll give us some more info as the story continues.

Hmm, very good, but it needs some work. Take a look at the things I’ve pointed out. Take note that some are merely preferences or opinion, the rest are grammatical or spelling errors.

I feel like I’m on the verge of a nervous break down. I’m floating through my classes in my own personal hell, waiting for something to happen, for something to scare me out.
I’m making my way to dinner, clutching my huge school bag over my shoulder. Something grabs my shoulder and I scream, a loud, earsplitting ear-splitting shriek.
“My god, Riss.” Chris says. I turn around to face him. My eyes are shooting death lasers at him.
“I have I’ve had one terrible day!” I snap at him.
“So just calm down.” Chris told Told? You were using the present tense (tells) for the first part. Watch out for abrupt changes to the tense of your verbs. me. His hair falls into his eyes and he flicks it out, his green eyes staring at me. I begin to head back down the stairs and into the Dining Hall. Chris catches up with me.
“I was just checking your ninja skills.” He insists. I glare at him.
“Thanks.” I say mutter coldly and sit at my seat at the Green table.
At the Academy, we’re organized by years and colors. Greens are the second to last year. TheAs the other greens file in around me, and Pippa shoots me a sad face. I grin in return and wait for Janelle’s arrival. Your characters aren’t very well introduced here. Who is Janelle? Another student? Their headmaster?
She sweeps in, late, as always.
“Good evening Students.” She said says. That is our cue to sit down. Plates of food are passed around as Janelle continues to talk, telling us about upcoming events. A beeper on her hip [/i]suddenly[/i] goes off.
“Áldás, diákok.” She says as a good bye. We mimic her as she dashes off. I look at Pippa, who’s staring at me.
“What was that about?” I ask. Ami and Chris shrug. Pippa seems off in her own little world.
“Hey, Pip.” I say, snapping my fingers in front of her face. Pippa is lost to the world. I eat minuscule bites, my stomach churning. Ami hands me a spoon.
“I thought you should know that you look like crap.” She says. I stare at the spoon. My golden eyes are dull and flat, and I feel like I could can see the pimples growing.
“How so very nice.” I tell her dully. Pippa is out of her reverie and shovelling shovelling food into her mouth.
“What? Why do you eat so fast?” Ami asked her. Pippa flashes her a dark look.
“Weaponry.” Pip replies, trough through a mouthful of half-chewed food. I wince. We have an hour of weaponry and an hour of options.
“What were you daydreaming about?” Chris asks. I have forgotten he was right beside me. He is in a ‘quite’ quiet phase. Pippa looks at him, like as if he has no right to know.
“None of your business.” Pippa snaps. Chris rolls his eyes, about to say something even ruder in return.
“Play nice.” I say lazily. Truth is, I can’t stand their fighting on the best of days and today it feels like little kids fighting over a toy.
I push away my plate and put my head on the table. A glass of water is pushed into my hand. I chug it back without a word, water dripping onto my Hunter tattoo.
We are all born with the Tattoo. It’s a simple red half circle, the other half appearing when we finish our transformation. It’s the only thing that marks us from normal humans. The way you bring in this tattoo is a major info-dump. Try to sneak in the information a little less bold-facedly.
I rub wipe the tattoo and grab my bag. I’m fully intending to go and begin my weaponry class early. I’m not fast enough because the bell rings and I’m just leading the masses of students.
One stops me, and she’s wearing yellow, the symbol colour of a first year.
“Larissa Ryans?” She asks. I nod, not wanting to talk. She slips me a note and skips away. I tear open the seal and read over the paper. It’s blank. Instead, an electric shock races through my blood and I drop the paper. I step back, horrified. I run away, leaving the paper in the dust. The past three sentences each describe a different feeling or action. The differences between each are major, and you don’t transition the ideas very well. It’s kinda like rolling a vase down steep steps, try to make the steps a little more round and closer together. Try using phrases and words like ‘and then’, ‘suddenly’ or ‘after that’ to create more of a transition.

After every line of dialogue (unless the same person speaks twice) you need to create a new paragraph. Example:

“None of your business.” Pippa snaps. Chris rolls his eyes, about to say something even ruder in return.

Should be:

“None of your business.” Pippa snaps.
Chris rolls his eyes, about to say something even ruder in return.

Hope I helped!
Jenthura