Haiku...Needs Some Work!

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I just wrote these an hour or so ago, so I haven't glossed them up yet. As of lately I've been trying really hard to tune up my haiku writing, so please review!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rain echos outside
I listen for your heartbeat
Silence chills the air.
~~~~~~~
You join the army
I join shadows of worry
Please come back to me.
~~~~~~~
Martha Lucy
Number one grandma ever
Apple of my eye.
~~~~~~~
Orchestra teacher
Your inspirational talks
I'll miss you next year.
~~~~~~~
Summer days call me
Adventures I do not know
Summer, summer, come!
~~~~~~~
Gut curtling pain
Simple turned complicated
I think this is love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The third one is probably the worst out of these six, but because of the sentimental value it has makes it one of my favorites. If you can, help me reword that one because that's the one I want to make wonderful.

Yes, yes, I know they suck. But that's the point of this site! To make your sucky work a little less sucky, haha. Ready, set, tear apart!

EDIT: I've added one!
Last edited by tori1234 on Sat Mar 06, 2010 1:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

If you know what this is from, become my best friend. =)




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Hi, there. :)

I actually really liked these!

The first one was very good and probably the one I enjoy the most. It hap depth and its chosen words really can mean anything. It can stand for your loved one or even someone dieing. this is very good.

*By the way, I'm very good with Haiku's so I probably won't be that much help. xD

The second one was very straight forward. The reader can tell that you're talking about someone going off to war and their loved ones missing them heavily.

The third one is really not that good, I agree, but I understand where you're coming from. It seems more like a description than telling a story and that's how I feel Haiku's should be: Telling a story in a limited about of words.

The fourth one was as well straight forward. Of course every kid is yearning for the summer time and planning what adventures they'll take or imagining what possible adventures to come.

These were very good, just in some, make sure you have more depth.
Keep writing and stay chill. :) PM me if you want any possible help. xD

-CreativeFreak.
Write on.




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Hello! First off, this is the second post/thread of haiku's i've read today, and I think I've been inspired to try some of my own :wink:

Yes, that means I haven't written one...ever (unless you count 3rd grade) so whether you use to use this review seriously or not is your choice. I'll go down the line though.

The first one: I agree that this is probably one of the best. I actually picture someone standing at a window looking out at the rain when I read it.

The second one: This probably one of the best also. I really liked how you said, "You join" and followed the second line with "I join." I think it made it a bit more dramatic.

The third one: 8) I think it needs some of the most work also. This may sound like a silly question, but do you have to say her name? What if, instead, you said a line of why she's the best grandma? I know my grandma always bakes when we go over to visit, so maybe you could say something more specific about her personality than just her name.

The fourth one: Not the best, but I do like it. How to make it better? To be honest, I'm not really sure :? sorry

The fifth one: As I am counting down the days to summer vacation, I can't help but like this one :) However, I think the last line, "Summer, summer, come!" might take away from it a little. If it was my poem (which I'm fully aware it's not and if you don't like these suggestions, then you don't have to use them) I would either think of a different way to sort of "call" summer, or I would make the second line your last line and in the second line talk about how nature is during summer, whether it be weather or the way people act.

The sixth one: I LOVE the second line! I also love the irony when you used pain in a way to describe love.

Great Job!!
I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure.-One Tree Hill



We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer