V.I.C.T.O.R.I.A.

As y'all can probably assume, my name is Victoria, I hope y'all like it. I just wrote it two minutes ago, so it's still pretty rough.
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Vacant thoughts behind shallow blue pools
Ice cold heart, protecting herself from the world
Constantly calculating her next move
Torn between two sides of herself
Obediently disobeying the rules
Racing against the time she has left
Ignoring what people are trying to tell her
All alone, he watches her.

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Don't be afraid to tear it apart.

Just a question. Are you friends with Victoria? 'Cause this poem is pretty harsh, but truthful. Please don't get apset! I love it! Great job!

I love this poem! My name is Victoria by the way. I like how it flows while still using each letter of your name to begin each sentence.

Nice idea.

Well, it lacks something else, and I don't know what it is. I guess I'll know it when I read it. XD Sorry.

I actually didn't get it the first time I read the poem.
Then fortunately, someone told me. Haha.
Nice idea, by the way. Hm, it sounds cool! XD

Keep writing!

-KAT<3

Hey Tori,

I loved the idea and i know how hard it must have been to think of things that made sense to the style you were going for. Although I found absolutely no punctuation in your poetry. I liked the flow. There wasn't any imagery but it was a good read.

Keep Writing.

Anger

While this poem has some good bones, it lacks the muscle to really carry the poem.

You picked a tough format to work in. These type of poems are usually give as assignments in elementary school (and in "less rigorous" high school classes), which means that there are a lot of them out there. If you want this poem to stand out, you have to make it really good and really interesting, and I'm not really seeing it right now. It has moments of promise, like "Vacant thoughts behind shallow blue pools" and "Ice cold heart", but after that it drops off. Try having more metaphoric language to describe what's going on. Rather than "Ice cold heart, protecting herself from the world", try something like "Ice-covered heart, shielding it from the spikes". Avoid the more commonly used angsty expressions in favor of something more symbolic.

Also, try having some kind of rhythm to the poem. Right now it reads more like a list of descriptions rather than an exploration into Victoria's personality and psyche. Having some kind of meter might make it read a lot more poetically and give it more feeling.

I trust that when you say you wrote it "2 minutes ago", you'll be editing and improving, and I hope my comments will help. This could be good, and although I haven't looked at your other works, it seems like you can take it there with a little bit of work.

okay, i just have to say that because my name is victoria, i totally love this poem. XD i think its pretty amazing, and goes into character perfectly! i guess anyone who isn't named victoria wouldn't get it, but i do believe this describes me pretty well. although i would have to say that i would switch the he and she around in the last line, not saying im stalkerish or anything, but more that i would be the type of person to like a guy who doesn't know i exist. XD hahaha but yes, i think its a pretty hauntingly amazing poem, and ignore other ppls comments about changing lines, because then it just wouldn't sound right. =p <3 this poem.

This is an interesting idea! I think the poem didn't really flow, but it all links back to you which is nice. Is this really about you, because it seems like your really criticizing yourself:

Torn between two sides of herself
Obediently disobeying the rules

It's always difficult to admit your own faults, so if this truly is about you then good job. I think my favourite line is the first one because it makes me think of the thoughts behind your eyes(which is probably what it's supposed to be?).