Blame it on the mute one.

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The mime smiled while he bled from a thousand holes in his stomach. A cloud white suit exploded into a field of red poppies, all blooming and sharing their petals, deep pits of fleshy seed and micro-spray pollen. His hands went to God and his eyes to hell, wanting one to take him away and the other keep his end of the bargain. "BRRRRAP BRRRRAP AP AP" barked the Tommies, painting everything in brick dust and blood red with sheets of horizontal metal rain "BRRAP AP AP CLICK!" they yelped as their gullets announced their hunger. The mime finally looked towards a sky he couldnt see, his already monotone expression flavored by scarlet spilling from his lips. He fell forward, and crumpled, a human ball of meat, bone and fluids.
The people looking on clapped in amazement, many speckled by far flung dropletts of the violent spray, some shaking hands with the grinning thugs who tipped their hats and kissed babies as they strolled away, waving hello to police officers as they beat back the people too ugly for cameras. A boy walked forward, through the adoring crowds, the Celebrity killers and publicity officers and up to the mime, his body curling in on itself even with the warmth of life gone. Pitiful, is what he must have thought, to come that close.
The boy watched as the body curled and crumpled and collapsed and dried, becoming a pile of ashes with a black line of a smile across the top, a circle of serrated green just below the bend. The boy tilted his head and a tear rolled down one powdered cheek, dropping into the ash and igniting the magical residue.
FWOOM, FLASH, BANG. In an instant a new mime, dressed in all black appeared, dusting off his collar and checking a missing watch. The boy continued to watch, his eyes red and puffy and frozen in disbelief. The mime took notice and drew a tangible card, handing it to the boy before taking his hand and leading him down the wide venue.
It read simply, "A Nobody, for nobody."
The boy smiled and tightened his grip on the mime's hand shading his eyes at the sun as it slowly crept closer and closer to the world, burning the heavens, crushing the mountains and boiling the oceans. Cities vanished in a blur of heat and people vaporized where they stood. Only the boy and the mime remained, walking along a path of glistening stars that lit, then died with every step, falling into nothingness once used.
The mime chuckled to himself, and hummed.
The boy chuckled back and went along with the tune.
Meanwhile the world was still dead, and existance took little notice.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.




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Yay, I get first reviews! Hi Era, long time, no see! *curtsies*
Okay, pleasantries have ended, now on to the review!

First of all, the opening line…
The mime smiled while he bled from a thousand holes in his stomach.


I love this. It’s very striking and so blunt but it definitely grabbed me right off the bat.

And a few little nitpicks…because what story doesn’t have a problem here or there…

The mime finally looked towards a sky he couldnt see, …


Can we get an apostrophe please?

He fell forward, and crumpled, a human…


I don’t see much need for that first comma. It just feels like the pause is very out of place here.

The people looking on clapped in amazement, many speckled by far flung dropletts of the violent spray, some shaking hands with the grinning thugs who tipped their hats and kissed babies as they strolled away, waving hello to police officers as they beat back the people too ugly for cameras. A boy walked forward, through the adoring crowds, the Celebrity killers and publicity officers and up to the mime, his body curling in on itself even with the warmth of life gone. Pitiful, is what he must have thought, to come that close.


This whole paragraph was a little off putting to me. It just felt very cluttered. Breaking it up, maybe getting rid of some things or diving into everything a little more would help. To me at least, it feels like a case of, not enough and too much. So going either way would be fine.
Also, ‘droplets’ only has one ‘t’ in it.
Lastly, why is the ‘C’ in celebrity capitalized? I would understand if the ‘k’ in ‘killer’ was capitalized but it’s not. I’m really really confuddled here.

The boy watched as the body curled and crumpled and collapsed and dried


Okay, I love the first three adjectives because of the use of alliteration. But ‘dried’ just kind of sticks out like a big sour thumb. I’d cut it out but that’s just me.

The boy smiled and tightened his grip on the mime's hand, shading his…


Well now you needed a comma. You have to remember to stick them in there where you pause naturally. Ya know? ^^

Last one…I promise… :D
The mime chuckled to himself, and hummed.


Again, this comma is just sort of, well, pointless. It’s one of those ones that just sticks out because all that follows it are these two little words.

OVERALL

Okay, this is actually really cool and as a general rule, I love to read your stuff, Era. But I wish that this was longer. I want to know more. Giving this more substance would be awesome for EVERYONE!!

*hugs and best regards*

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



something about rain makes you want to be in love
— canopy