deceased mind.

cancerous thoughts, disease of the mind,
infests the figure with mutated design.
vitriolic
acidic
streaming tears fall,
ivory skin's engraved with flaws.

mulberry bruises, best at empty,
rippled intuition, distorted imagery.
lips sewn, body cast,
abstruse behind the porcelain mask.

Outlines,
rimmed with fractures and stains,
skeptical,
cursed,
erupting veins.
engaged in a stare, a plead
- to be nursed,
never cured the voices,
silhouette remains cursed.

OMG!!! So twisted... I LOVE it!

Hi there! This was a neat poem. I thought the line breaks were interesting, and they help enforce your decrepit subject matter. As Sionmara said, this was twisted.

As much as I liked it, your word choice bothered me. It's not that you had a poor one, but it was too good. There are extravagant words, such as, "vitrolic" and "acidic" that I do not understand. Although fancy words can benefit your poetry, just like anything, too much can be dangerous. Besides, there are some instances where simple words work in a line or stanza just fine.

That's it. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

Elinor Brynn wrote:Hi there! This was a neat poem. I thought the line breaks were interesting, and they help enforce your decrepit subject matter. As Sionmara said, this was twisted.

As much as I liked it, your word choice bothered me. It's not that you had a poor one, but it was too good. There are extravagant words, such as, "vitrolic" and "acidic" that I do not understand. Although fancy words can benefit your poetry, just like anything, too much can be dangerous. Besides, there are some instances where simple words work in a line or stanza just fine.

That's it. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

hey elinor, i understand where you are coming from completely, but i am not prepared to change my vocab level, just because mine is generally higher. i wrote this personally, for me, i was just sharing it with all you, but perhaps i should ve given it an age, seeing as plenty do not understand the vocab, even though this is pretty simple for me- you should see some of my other stuff :L i usually put a bit explaining my poem, at the top, but i get stick for that, so i didn't, this time, but now i know, i really should, because i usually put this;

yeah, you may find, my poetry is different to many others. i break rules, i hate with a passion, poetry that is simply a few beautiful, but overused words, to describe a sunset - yes, perhaps the poem has depths, layers of meaning, but still, it does not appeal to me as much as poetry, that just makes you think "what the f-." i like complex words, i like weird layouts - poetry is a verbal art, but for centuries we have recorded it - the layout is actually intended, as when you read it out, it speeds up, slows down, breaks through, etc. perhaps you don't like it this way, but i do. a lot of people don't like, nor understand my poetry, however, i am proud of it, because to me, it describes everything - the complexity is pretty much my emotions, my thoughts - always muddled, always confused and ALWAYS complex.
so that kind of explains it.

Well I thought it was rather good, the word choice was alright...

Okay. The poem was fairly decent, at least in terms of vocabulary choice and rhyme scheme/meter. However, the theme "disease of the self", though explored in interesting, intricate phrases, never went anywhere except in a circle. What I mean is that you hand us images of a troubled girl, who has no hope in spite of her pleas for help. End of story. But is that it? You repeat this often in each stanza, but it's nearly to the point of redundant, which concerns me, because it feels more like a description than an idea. Or perhaps you meant this to be a critique on society's ignorance/reinforcement of abuse, self esteem, body image? I am left wondering, what is the point of this poem? I'm truly sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but right now I'm taking a literature class and I'm learning that any genre of writing, poetry especially, cannot simply be pretty pictures (this is something I struggle with in my own poetry). There has got to be a deeper message.

Upon a reread, I'm now wondering if you are saying, the girl is a master at being normal in appearance, so here's the inside look, the backstage look. See how she really is. She's trying to act like a doll, and is horribly fake in the process. If that's where you're going, then that is a more tangible concept to grasp.

The rest is mere nitpicking. The second stanza, first line, states "mulberry bruises, best at empty". Are the bruises empty, or are you referencing the girl? If it's the former, that's a bit confusing.

I would like to emphasize that you have some fantastic, well–crafted imagery here. It just needs a bit more of an idea, and then I think you'd have something really nice.

I think that's about it. Brimming with potential, a good place to be. Let me know if there's something you want to discuss.

–antimelrose

antimelrose wrote:Okay. The poem was fairly decent, at least in terms of vocabulary choice and rhyme scheme/meter. However, the theme "disease of the self", though explored in interesting, intricate phrases, never went anywhere except in a circle. this sounds like a valid point, however i am a bit confused as to how i could improve on this?What I mean is that you hand us images of a troubled girl, correctwho has no hope in spite of her pleas for help. very correct. End of story. But is that it? You repeat this often in each stanza, but it's nearly to the point of redundant, which concerns me, because it feels more like a description than an idea. perhaps you could give me more advice as how to improve this, i don't really understand.Or perhaps you meant this to be a critique on society's ignorance/reinforcement of abuse, (self esteem, body image?) I am left wondering, what is the point of this poem? I'm truly sorry if I'm sounding harsh,(don't worry, you seem nice, and generally trying to help, rather than tear my poem apart, which i like, so i take your advice - basically, this was not a thought out poem, i had no aim, no goal, i did not even think I'd finish it, or even begin it - if you get what i mean. it was a spur of the moment, 'i don't know what to do, i want to scream, i want to cry, but this isn't the place, so I'll write a poem' time. this is kind of just my emotions, in five minutes of the experience, which tied together quite well, so i posted. there was no aim, therefore not much of a point, except to become an outlet of emotions at that particular time) but right now I'm taking a literature class and I'm learning that any genre of writing, poetry especially, cannot simply be pretty pictures (this is something I struggle with in my own poetry). i know, i went on a writing course, layers of meaning, oh my, complex, but helpful - this is not one of those poems, i have got not much of a continuous metaphor, but a painted picture, however, in this picture it describes the meaning, simply not a sunset. more of a picture, so you see this girl, but you know what shes going through, without having to say the words 'body-image' or 'weight' etc. however, i have done some other poetry, with layers of meaning (such as virgin kiss) and trust me, if you read what i usually put in front of my poems, to explain (seeing as i have quite a unique way of writing, people tend to judge, so i correct them before they can correct me) you will realise, that i HATE poetry, that is just a pretty picture, haha)There has got to be a deeper message.

Upon a reread, I'm now wondering if you are saying, the girl is a master at being normal in appearance, so here's the inside look, the backstage look. See how she really is. She's trying to act like a doll, and is horribly fake in the process. If that's where you're going, then that is a more tangible concept to grasp. this is an interesting point, i never really thought of that, but perhaps different people will interpret this differently, so i don't really mind if this isn't my main image, because i like that people see different things to me. i suppose this poem is one that you only truly understand after being told, and re-reading a few times.

The rest is mere nitpicking. The second stanza, first line, states "mulberry bruises, best at empty". Are the bruises empty, or are you referencing the girl? If it's the former, that's a bit confusing. the bruises are mulberry, the girl is best at empty --- yes, this was one of my poorer lines, i was hoping someone would pick up on and help improve.

I would like to emphasize that you have some fantastic, well–crafted imagery here. It just needs a bit more of an idea, and then I think you'd have something really nice.

I think that's about it. Brimming with potential, a good place to be. Let me know if there's something you want to discuss.

–antimelrose

antimelrose - thank you so much for the comment, and the pm you sent me. i find your help incredibly useful, and i gladly take it. you truly said some very helpful and lovely things.

Hello again! I didn't mean to be vague, and I'm sorry for the confusion. Thank you for clarifying the origin of 'deceased mind'. Now I know that you were writing this when you were upset, (and I have written in such circumstances too), which means that this is insight regarding one's emotions, an illustration of feelings. That is a definitely a legitimate piece of work. You did mention, however, that you were confused about the description–idea dichotomy? Generally speaking (if you don't wish to change anything, that's okay too), an idea, a thought, a message should be the driving force for the poem, rather than a catalogue of adjectives and sentiments. The latter are very important, but they aren't enough for the poem to stand on its own. As for suggestions, I think you should use these images of pain to say something more, perhaps a commentary on how society views beauty or perhaps something in life caused so much harm. I'm being vague, again, I know, but this should really be your idea. Basically, you need a why for the poem. An example would be somewhere along the lines of, (I shall not put this in poetry form)

"girls are taught they have to look a certain way, act a certain way. This is wrong, it is destructive, it breaks down what should be raised up. See this girl? She is hurting, badly. Nothing good came from this impossible, idealized standard. " or maybe you make the case for why humans ought to stand up for those who have been harmed.

Like I said, if this isn't the direction you want for the poem, by all means don't feel obligated to change. Hmm... towards the bottom you mention some trouble about the bruise line? I suggest:

mulberry bruises, her heart is empty,

OR

mulberry bruises, no gesture comes gently

Something to that effect. Above all, your poem, your choice. Whether you change it or don't, I still think it's decent. Thanks for sharing this with us.

–antimelrose