The Caverns of Kildun Aalda Chapter One-Starting Out

The village was a small place. While people still lived there, most of the houses were in poor condition. Some looked like they were going to fall over any minute. Others had floors so rotten that a person was in danger of falling through.
A majority of the people had left this village because of the condition of the houses. Nobody wanted to take the time to get them fixed up. The ones who remained were those who were poor; they had little or no money to move into bigger towns. Some were able to have farms and sell food to Antares, a large town a few miles to the east.
Antares was one of the few towns that were not rejected. Well-protected, Antares was surrounded on four sides by a high stone wall. There was only one entrance into the town and it was constantly guarded. Everything in Antares was made of stone-the houses, inns, stores and even the roads-which was a rarity in the smaller villages, whose roads were made of dirt.
Many people lived in Antares. The town was getting more and more crowded after people abandoned the villages. This was not a problem, because the walls were knocked down and new ones built as the town grew-soon Antares would become a city.
There were many things to do in Antares. People socialized at the ale house. Many activities went on at the conference hall-people singing songs and telling stories. The children went to school. They were taught the basics of reading, writing and arithmetic. Some were chosen to attend the warrior school-they had to pay two gold pieces a year and buy their own armor.
There were several businesses in town. Several women made clothing and sold it. There were a few market places that sold different varieties of food. However, the most successful man in Antares was Joe Smith, the armorer. He sold different types of armor and weapons to the students attending the warrior school and to people passing through the town-the next closest armorer was miles away.
Back in the small village, a young man stood in the doorway of a shack. He was looking in the west towards some distant hills. In these hills were the catacombs. It was said that an evil people, such as those in the dark arts and thieves, hid treasures in these hills and other places in the land. Many people ventured to get some of the treasures. However, many did not return. Of those who did get out of the catacombs alive told stories of monsters guarding the treasures-snakes, skeletons and goblins to mention a few.
The young man was Bard. Standing at six feet tall, he looked like a powerful person. He was wearing a vest of chain mail, with a cloth cape running down the back. The boots he had on were made of leather, with armor guards for the shins. The helmet he had was also made of armor with two sharp horns sticking out of the top. Of the arms and legs that could be seen, they were very muscular.
Bard was looking at the hills for a while. Then he made up his mind. He was going into the catacombs to get some of the treasure. He was determined to get out of this village-the village he had lived in since he was around six years old, the village where all the people he knew were gone.
As Bard stood in the doorway of his house, he looked like a great warrior. However, he was a beginner. He wanted to become a sword master, which most of the students at the warrior school were practicing to be. However, Bard had little money and could not afford to go to the school. So he had to earn the reputation of a sword master by proving himself. That is why he intended to venture into the catacombs-to find some rare treasure and to prove his courage. This might mean his death. However, Bard knew that was one of the prices a fighter had to pay.
So Bard-the fighter-began making final preparations. He fastened two armor plates on his shoulders and two metal cuffs on his arms. He pulled his sword out of his scabbard and looked at it. The sword was beautiful. The double edged blade had been honed earlier that day. It was razor sharp. He put the sword back into the scabbard. Then he took a small dagger and tucked it into the boot, just in case it was needed and something happened to the sword. Then he looked over the shield to make sure it was good.
Bard worked hard over the past year, saving all the money he had in order to purchase this ensemble. He had wished that he could get enough money to buy plate armor. Yet, he was happy with what he was able to afford to get.
Bard took his leather backpack and looked at his equipment. In it he had a tinderbox, a fifty foot length of rope, food (he was not sure how long he would be in the catacombs, so the food he carried were meals that were already prepared and stored in metal tins; they were known as "C-rations"), two small sacks, and a large sack. There was still a large amount of room in the pack so he put his lantern and two torches in it; these he would use later because it got very dark in the catacombs. Then he looked at his two flasks of oil and made sure that they were stoppered tightly before putting them in the back.
Bard now was ready for his quest. He slung the pack on his back, strapped his water flask around his waist, picked up his shield and started towards the catacombs.

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The Review

Hey, Wannabe!
You’ve got good potential, and this story could take off into a full-fledge novel. However, it’ll take some time and sorting and editing before you can really fly, Y’no? Rome wasn’t built in a day, and well, neither are stories.
Let’s go over your two main problems.

The Main Problems

Your first, and probably the most distracting, was that you tend to info dump. That means that you have a lot to say, and –while most of it may be important to the story or to the setting of the story- most of it is pointless, and crowds out the information that the reader really needs to know.
Your second problem was that you had a hard time staying on topic. You begin with a nameless village, but then move on to Antares, then you roll right back to the village and then introduce your character, Bard. If Antares is the starting point for the MC (Main Character), then you should probably start your introductive narrative there and go onwards to Antares (figuratively speaking) from there.

A Few Minor Problems Throughout the Manuscript

Your information is erroneous in many places. You have a good-sized town, and one that’s constantly growing (So fast that the walls are knocked down, which is also an error, but we’ll get to that later) but why is it growing? If everybody else is dying out, why should it remain? Give some reasons.
Maybe because everybody left the villages for the cities; this would also explain why the villages are dying (if that’s not the reason, then you’ll need a reason for the villages dying). Or maybe it’s a sea port and has access to great trade. Or is it close to mountains, making it a good mining location? There’s gotta be a reason for this, and you have to provide it. Mind you don’t info dump while doing so. Most information must be slowly released by the readers, almost as if you’re burying and letting them think they found it by themselves (it makes them happy, and happy readers are good ones).

Some looked like they were going to fall over any minute. Others had floors so rotten that a person was in danger of falling through.

Falling through into what? The basement? Medieval houses didn’t have basements. They had root cellars, but that pretty much doesn’t count.

Everything in Antares was made of stone-the houses, inns, stores and even the roads-which was a rarity in the smaller villages, whose roads were made of dirt.

This really is a prosperous town, since the only stone buildings during medieval times (I keep assuming that you’re modeling your world after the Middle Ages) were castles and really strong buildings; most houses were wood and plaster, making the building easier to heat during the long winter months (apparently, stone is rather cold, and as obstinate as molasses).
Most towns would have dirt roads; London had horrible roads in the early 1800’s. It would be best to say that the roads were cobbled, but I’m afraid solid stone roads were simply a thing not done…at least, not in medieval times: you can change that in your story, of course, but I’m just suggesting it.

There were several businesses in town. Several women made clothing and sold it. There were a few market places that sold different varieties of food. However, the most successful man in Antares was Joe Smith, the armorer. (misspelled, it should be ‘armory’) He sold different types of armor and weapons to the students attending the warrior school and to people passing through the town-the next closest armorer (misspelled, it should be ‘armory’) was miles away.

Several businesses? That’s all? Not a lot for a town that grows so fast its walls need to be knocked down every once in a while. In medieval towns (which I’m guessing you’re modeling Antares after) you would have innkeepers, cobblers, tailors, breweries, farmers, blacksmiths, wagon-makers, coopers…
In short, a lot of businesses. If you want to add another point of conflict to the story, then you could make this Joe Smith guy the big cheese. Have him monopolize most of the businesses, and not just his little armor ding.
Another thing about that, why would passer-bys buy armor and swords? Unless they happened to lose theirs (bad luck, that) they would already have swords and such. Considering the goblins, skeletons and snakes, nobody would travel without swords or armor. So why would they buy from him? Was he famous? Were all the passer-bys completely bereft of swords? Or maybe he really was just a good smithy.
You do add that there was a warrior school (something I’ll get to later) and that the nearest armory was ‘miles away’. Both are good reasons, but I think you’ll need to work a bit more on this Joe guy.

Back in the small village, a young man stood in the doorway of a shack. He was looking in the west towards some distant hills. In these hills were the catacombs. It was said that an evil people, such as those in the dark arts and thieves, hid treasures in these hills and other places in the land.

Wow, this one’s a little hard to explain, let me just show you.

Back in the small village, a young man stood in the doorway of a shack. First off, you shouldn’t come ‘back to the village’. Jumping locations like that tends to confuse the reader, and gives the story no sense of unity. He was looking in the west towards some distant hills. In these hills were the catacombs. The catacombs? You need to say “In these hills were catacombs,” not ‘the’ catacombs. The idea of the catacombs is only introduced here, so you cannot familiarize it with a ‘the’. It was said that an evil people, such as those in the dark arts and thieves, In the dark arts? Sounds cool, but I don’t think those sort of people would dig catacombs. Perhaps an ancient evil civilization, or a giant empire, swallowed by their evil greed, think something like that up. hid treasures in these hills and other places in the land.

This was not a problem, because the walls were knocked down and new ones built as the town grew-soon Antares would become a city.

This would never happen. The city’s leaders (elders, mayor, government) would manage the growth of the city very well. Useful tradesmen would be welcomed, but if they were strangers, they would be required to live outside the city itself. If ever the city required a larger area, the walls would remain, and become an inner circle of the city. New walls would be built outside the city. Those newcomers that the city accepted would have built houses as close to the city as possible, so they would be included in the new wall, along with any other houses built to accommodate the city’s growth.
Also, walls were hard to build back then, to knock a perfectly good stone wall…well, let’s just say they didn’t do it.

Closing Sequence

That’s all I can do now, I don’t promise to continue, but I’ll sure try. I want to go over this ‘warrior school’ concept you have, and point a few weak points. I’d like to go over Bard’s travel gear, but also his reasoning and logic about his adventure. Finally, I want to point out your improper usage of dashes.
You use the dash (-) without a space. It needs to be like this –and with a much longer dash– so that the spaces separate the ‘dashed’ area from the rest of the sentence. Yours looks like this-and doesn’t seem to stop-which confuses the reader just as much as if you replaced all periods with commas.

Anyway, Keep Writing!
~Jenth

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Every word of Jenthura's review is genius.

Thank you. I will work on the editing. This was a story I wrote for Nano 2009 and am sure there are mistakes I could not find. The only thing armorer is correct because I was talking about a person not the place. Great information on Medieval times. I had Antares made of stone because this originally was going to be a dragon-slayer story. But I scrapped the idea after the first 10,000 words and changed the angle.

The villages are just in poverty. This will be explained more in chapter 6. This novel has two advantures. A small quest that Bard goes on. Then when he makes friends, they go on a longer quest. There is a potential for a sequel, which I am already making an outline for.

This chapter is short and sweet. I think maybe it can be a prologue rather than a chapter.