Sparrow

Sparrow


You're like a bird pure and sweet,
ebbing and flowing in the wind of your own deceit.

Lost in a world all your own
haunted by hidden sins,
it's time to atone.

Days blur by, but you can't tell which is which
you wish there was time,
to make an adjustment.

You can't tell night from day
why would you want to fly away,
nothing is going to change.

Trying to alter yourself for the better,
you've claimed defeat.
You are a bird pure and sweet.

Seasons come and go,
And the wind flows from high to low,
But remember He has His eye on the sparrow.

Hi!

This was a pretty good poem, and your words seem to describe my feelings for this poem; It was definitely very sweet.

First things first; your poem could definitely benefit from a little bit of punctuation. Right now you have almost none, and you shouldn't think you're exempt from punctuation just because it's poetry. Punctuation makes things easier to read, tightens the flow and just makes things seem prettier.

Secondly, there were a few lines that didn't really make sense, mostly because you were missing some words. Other times your word choice and such didn't make sense at all. Refer to my corrections below. I've got comments in blue, punctuation in green and missing words in red.

You're like a bird, pure and sweet;
But ebbing and flowing in the wind of others deceit.
^
I'm not quite sure what this line is supposed to mean. What is ebbing? Please be a tad more specific.

Lost in a world all your own,
^
What do you mean by, "all your own". Is the bird by himself? Does he have a different perception then other birds? Specify a bit more.

Trying to change, but you've claimed defeat.
You are a bird,pure and sweet.

Seasons come and go,
And the wind goesflows
^
I don't like the repetition of "go". Flow is nice, because it fits the line and it rhymes.

Otherwise, very, very nice! PM me if you have questions.

Hello! Welcome to YWS! I have decided to review your poem today.

Remember that the beginning of every line should be a capital letter.

Toto25 wrote:Lost in a world all your own
disillusioned by hidden sins,
it's time to atone.

"Disillusioned" disrupts the gentle flow of this poem. I say try and find a more simple word with the same meaning.

Toto25 wrote:Sparrow
You're like a bird pure and sweet,
But ebbing and flowing in the wind of your own deceit.

"But" feels like an unnecessary word for this line. It will still have the same effect even though you have cancelled a word.

In the last line, you capitalize "He." I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not, but the only time you should capitalize "He" or "Him" or "His" or something relating to those, is when you are referring to God.

You did a really great job! It was absolutely lovely! Have a great day! God Bless!