Colorado freak out

This is a copy of my paper for English 'The Time I made a Important Choice.' Now this seems so intense and all but it isn't all true. I did do some of this but not all to that extent.
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My heartbeat's accelerating, my lungs burn for air, and tears spring to my eyes. I bolt through the woods with increasing speed, every second getting father away from the cabin I single-handily annihilated. My parents voices ring through my head "I can't believe you lost them Ella!"

It's funny how much I can screw up in such a teeny-tiny amount of time. This is all traceable back to the moment my parents left for the store, leaving my sisters, cousins, older brother, and I alone at our cabin in Colorado. Allen [my older brother] decided to go to a friend's cabin that morning, while I was sleeping. He told our sisters [Rose and Iris] and cousins [Vivian, Niki, and Bella] to wake me up to care for them. Then as I finally drifted from dream world to reality. . .something was amidst! There was a peaceful calm to the cabin all I could hear was the magnificent chirps of the numerous birds outside my window. That's when it hit me. . .there was no laughter, arguments, or any chatter from my five little midgets at all! One by one I call their names "Rose! Iris! Vivian! Niki! Bella!". . .but I was answered by the cabin's eerie silence. Tearing myself from the cot, and rushing through the cabin is search for my five precious midgets leaving no object untouched.

Unfortunately I turned up empty handed. That's when I noticed the door was ever so slightly cracked open. My heart skipped a beat as my Dad's saying echoed through my head "The woods are no place for kids." I slowly stalked towards the door waiting for the girls to pop out and scream "surprise" like they have done so many times in the past. The door felt smooth against my trembling fingers as I pushed it open, and my heart tightened as I noticed the empty spot for their towels. For the past couple of days rain has poured down over the woods, and it all drains into the river. . .the only place to swim. The river goes on forever so searching it alone for five overly adventures girls would be a hassle. Which means I need Allen, but he could be anywhere, and for all I know my sisters and cousins could be lying at the bottom of the river somewhere! What should I do? Standing here wasting dialect seconds that I could be searching the river, but what if I start on the wrong side? If I get Allen we could start on opposite ends which means we could have a better chance at finding them, but who knows how long it will take to find him!. . .A slight breeze ruffles my hair and my feet move on there own towards the woods. Somehow knowing the fact that my midgets are out there oblivious to the danger their in makes me know what I mud do. Allen. . .could be anywhere, but he was safe my five darling girls were not.

So here I am bolting through the woods in search for five little girls no older than ten. Their names are on the tip of my tongue, but I don't want to cry out to them for fear of drawing a wild animal. Tons of rocks start to appear meaning I'm close to the river, but it's starting to get really slippery and harder to navigate through. Misplacing my foot i slip, somehow I turn forcing my hip to take the grunt of the fall, and I cant help but to yelp in pain as my stomach knots up and my vision gets blurred. The woods echo my cry, but it's higher pitched and more shrill, unlike mine it's full of fear not pain. Other shrieks follow suit, and a light splashing noise is barley audible. "No" I beg hoping this is all some cruel twisted joke, but I know it's not. I scramble up, and hobble as fast as I can to the location of the horrid cries. Looking in the water makes me sick a tiny blonde head bobs above the water before being pulled under. "Bella fell in!" the other girls cry in unison. Forgetting my injured hip I dove in, but the undertow was stronger than I expected causing me to crash into a rock, knocking the breathe out of me. Catching a glimpse of Bella's small frame, and swallowing my fear, I release the rock and struggle towards her, the current changed as we go around a corner making her collide into me. Quickly I throw my arm around her limp form and barley drag her to shore.

Hr body is lifeless as I lay her down, looking up four sets of scared eyes meet mine. Bella's normal pale skin has a tint of blue along with her lips. I do the only thing I can placing my hands on her chest I press down "one" Iris starts to sob "two" Niki starts to cry "three" everyone crying "four" they all given up and fall to the floor holding one another "five" "six" "seven" "eight" "nine" Bella starts to throw up water and what ever she has eaten. "Am I dead?" she asked dazed as I pull her into a hug, soon where all in a group hug crying and laughing. Only a single thought crosses my mind, "I'm glad I decided to find them first."

Hello! I'm Peanut, and I will be one of your critics on this story.
First off, this story format is a personal favorite of mine; beginning with an action scene somewhere in the middle of the story, then going back into memories to cover how it all happened. It's a not-so-subtle way to introduce your reader into the story, but boy does it suck you in

Allen [my older brother] decided to go to a friend's cabin that morning, while I was sleeping. He told our sisters [Rose and Iris] and cousins [Vivian, Niki, and Bella] to wake me up to care for them.

Perhaps brackets are not the things to use in this situation. Though parentheses are occasionally okay to use in stories, I find that this paragraph could do without either of them. Try replacing the brackets with commas.
*Also; a tip for future use. This sentence is an info-dump; telling the reader too much at one time. Try spreading out the information in a paragraph or two, that way it isn't so packed together.

Then as I finally drifted from dream world to reality. . .something was amidst!

In this sentence, you incorrectly use the word “amidst”. Amidst means among or during. Maybe you could replace it with “wrong”.
Also, I don't think the ellipses are needed. Just a comma would do fine.
*A tip for future use; careful with those exclamation points. I usually try to avoid them in narration and only use them in dialogue, and even then, I use them sparingly. I read an article called Ten Rules for Writing Fiction. Take a look at the fifth rule. (I'm not saying you did anything wrong... I'm just saying to tread lightly when using exclamation points).

That's when it hit me. . .there was no laughter, arguments, or any chatter from my five little midgets at all!

Again, ellipses. Using them occasionally and in the right times are okay, but in this instance, I don't think you need them there. The only difference here is that the exclamation point at the end seems to fit in this sentence. Keep it there

For the next sentence, try this;

One by one I called their names; "Rose! Iris! Vivian! Niki! Bella!" but I was answered by the cabin's eerie silence.

Caution! Be careful with those tenses! You have to make sure you don't switch back and forth from past to present, and vice versa. It's one of the toughest things to find when editing, because your brain has a way of automatically correcting it when you are reading it over, so occasionally you don't realize the mistake is there until someone else points it out.

Tearing myself from the cot, and rushing through the cabin is search for my five precious midgets leaving no object untouched.

This sentence is oddly structured. Perhaps try reworking it to look like this;
“I tore myself from the cot and rush through the cabin, searching for my five precious midgets. I leave no object untouched.”
That seems to read better. Again, careful with those tenses.
On a note of confusion; are they actually midgets, or do you just call them that? This isn't specified in the writing, so maybe you could input that information subtly into a paragraph, maybe somewhere where you describe what their appearance is?

My heart skipped a beat as my Dad's saying echoed through my head "The woods are no place for kids."

Add a semicolon after "head" and before "The woods".

The river goes on forever so searching it alone for five overly adventures girls would be a hassle.

There seems to be a lack of punctuation here. The sentence should look like this;
“The river goes on forever, so searching it alone for five overly-adventurous girls would be a hassle.”
P.S. Good foresight! (I hope this isn't one of the parts that actually happened... o_o)

Which means I need Allen, but he could be anywhere, and for all I know my sisters and cousins could be lying at the bottom of the river somewhere! What should I do? Standing here wasting dialect seconds that I could be searching the river, but what if I start on the wrong side?

These sentences are funky. Try replacing “which” with “this”. I do like how you asked the reader what to do, but the sentence after that is confusing. I actually don't even think you need that last sentence. It seems that you were trying to input comedy into an event that really shouldn't be funny.
Also, starting on the wrong side of the river seems and impossibility, since she already mentioned that getting to the other side would be deadly due to the flooding. Plus, unless the river splits into two, she wouldn't even need to be on the other side.

If I get Allen we could start on opposite ends which means we could have a better chance at finding them, but who knows how long it will take to find him!. . .A slight breeze ruffles my hair and my feet move on there own towards the woods. Somehow knowing the fact that my midgets are out there oblivious to the danger their in makes me know what I mud do. Allen. . .could be anywhere, but he was safe my five darling girls were not.

Both ellipses in this section are unneeded. They make it awkward and confusing to read.
Also, “mud” should be “must”.
Lastly, the last sentence is a run-on. Run-ons kill >.< Try adding a semi-colon between “safe” and “my”.

For the next two paragraphs, I'll just put my reviews in red;

So here I am bolting through the woods in search for five little girls no older than ten. Their names are on the tip of my tongue, but I don't want to cry out to them for fear of drawing a wild animal. Tons of rocks start to appearcomma meaning I'm close to the river, but and it's starting to get really slippery and harder to navigate through. Misplacing my footcomma iI slipsemi-colon instead of comma somehow I turn to forcing force my hip to take the grunt of the fall, and I can't help but to yelp in pain as my stomach knots up and my vision gets blurred. The woods echo my cryMy cry echos through the woods?, but it's higher pitched and more shrill, unlike mine it's full of fear not pain. Other shrieks follow suit, and a light splashing noise is barley audible. "No comma" I beg comma hoping this is all some cruel twisted joke, but I know it's not. I scramble up, and hobble as fast as I can to the location of the horrid cries. Looking in the water makes me sickperiod a A tiny blonde blond head bobs above the water before being pulled under. "Bella fell in!" the other girls cry in unison. Forgetting my injured hip I dove in, but the undertow was stronger than I expected comma causing me to crash into a rock; knocking it knocks the breathe out of me. Catching a glimpse of Bella's small frame, and swallowing my fear, I release the rock and struggle towards her, the current changeding as we go around a corner comma making her collide into me. Quickly I throw my arm around her limp form and barley am barely able to drag her to shore. 
 
Her body is lifeless as I lay her downperiod Looking up comma four sets of scared eyes meet mine. Bella's normal pale skin has a tint of blue along with her lips Bella's pale skin is normal, except for the blue tint to her lips. I do the only thing I can . Placing my hands on her chest I press down:
These can be new paragraphs: One; Iris starts to sob.
Two; Niki starts to cry.
Three; everyone's crying.
Four; they all have given up and fall to the floor ground holding one another.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
New paragraph: Bella starts to throw up water and what ever she has eaten. "Am I dead?" she asked dazed as I pull her into a hug. Soon, wherewe're all in a group hug crying and laughing. Only a single thought crosses my mind; "I'm glad I decided to find them first."

Overall; Awesome. Most of the mistakes I found were grammar errors.

But, I did notice that somewhere in the middle, you completely switched from past to present tense. So, work on that, and keep that in mind for any of your future stories.
But wow! This really happened? Or, at least some of it? Wow. It's cool you turned it into a short story. This was very entertaining to read, and I enjoyed it very much.

Also! I tip for editing; reading your stories/reports out-loud to yourself is an awesome and effective way of editing! It's one of the many ways to self-edit. I always do it to every report before I turn it in to the teacher. That way, there's a lot less grammar and sentence structure errors. Because if it doesn't sound right, then it doesn't read right either.

Keep at it!
~Peanut

peanut~ Thank You so much for the review!

After looking at my graded paper and your review I noticed that my teacher didn't catch all my mistakes.

When I wrote:

Which means I need Allen, but he could be anywhere, and for all I know my sisters and cousins could be lying at the bottom of the river somewhere! What should I do? Standing here wasting dialect seconds that I could be searching the river, but what if I start on the wrong side?

I meant I we would start at one spot and travel in the opposite direction( Sorry didn't really know how to phrase that into the paper).

Two; Niki starts to cry.
Three; everyone's crying.
Four; they all have given up and fall to the floor ground holding one another.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

I originally was going to put them as separate paragraphs, but I kind of ran out of room on my paper and barley fit the last paragraph, I probably could of fixed them (I was tired and just copied it right from my paper).

Well I start to work on corrections tomorrow (Too tired now), but thank you again for the wonderful review .