Maurata

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Roase Art. That was the one thing on Maurata’s mind that Marshandok. Why? She wondered, why do my parents insist on sending me away to Roase Art? For one thing Maurata hated going a-griffonback. She was terrified of heights even with the safety buckle. Also, she absolutely was not one of those sissy Roase Art girls. They all loved Roase Art’s fancy uniforms, while, she was, she didn’t. Those long, heavy, gem covered dresses just weren’t her style. Besides the Thoarne Art boys were so overcritical about girls dress and style. At least they only visited once a month, for two weeks unfortunately. “Well I guess that’s how it goes. Roase Art, Ha!” she said to herself. Maurata shook her head and slipped into her sleeping garb. Well tomorrow’s the day. That was Maurata’s last thought before she drifted off to sleep.
“Takandok already” she muttered to herself as she awoke. She got up and slipped into her traveling clothes. “Dear, lets go” She heard her mother call. “Coming mum!” She called back. She sighed. “Well here it goes.” She rushed out of her room and down the hall to her mother who was waiting by the door. They walked to the corner shop where the Griffin was waiting. Maurata climbed on reluctantly, then turned to say good bye to her mother “Good bye” she said. “We’ll visit.” Her mother replied. The Griffin took off and she held her breath, this was it.
The Griffin flew over field and city. Maurata clung to its mane, her heart beating wildly. After what seemed like forever a great building loomed over the horizon.” Roase Art.” Maurata muttered. The Griffin landed and a woman came over and handed her a list. She scanned it until she found her name. Room 14
The list went on and on. Maurata didn’t bother to read it all. “Come.” Said the woman who was still standing there. Maurata dismounted and the Griffin flew off. She followed the woman into the building. Roase Art was beautiful and Maurata had trouble taking it all in. The woman led her to a door that had the number 14 inscribed on it in fancy script. Maurata opened the door and walked in. Her room was beautiful with her bed in the corner, her dresser on the opposite wall, and her desk at the foot of her bed. There was a huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling. “It’s almost time for dinner.” Said the woman as she handed Maurata a schedule. It read:
Daily Schedule
Maurata Keshton
8:00-Breakfast
8:30-Etiquette
9:00-Voice
10:00-English
11:00-Social
12:00-Lunch
12:30-Special Skill
2:00-Latin
3:00-Exploration
4:00-Dance
5:00-Free time
6:00-Visiting Hour
“The dining hall is this way said the woman, leading Maurata down the hallway to a door that said Dining Hall in fancy script. Maurata walked into a room where hundreds of girls were standing at tables covered in food. Maurata stood in between two girls. She had barely gotten a look around when a woman spoke the single word, “Begin”. All the girls sat down and started to eat.
“Hi!” said the girl next to her, “I'm Egina, this is Rica” she said indicating to the girl across from her. “I'm Maurata.” Maurata replied. “I'm Miar” chimed in another girl, “and this is Kona.” “Hi!” said Kona “welcome to Roase Art, I gotta warn you bout Briala and Lori, they’re really mean.” “Oh really?”, came a voice from behind Maurata. The others froze and Maurata turned around to see a girl with dirty blond hair and blue green eyes standing behind her, her mouth set in a smirk. “I'm Briala, this is Lori, I hope you realize how low these girls will drag you.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Maurata questioned. “It means they are of lowest importance and have no right to be here.” Briala replied. “That isn’t true you are nothing but a snot, and furthermore you have no right to say who has the right to do what, or did you become Queen over the summer?” Maurata asked.
“Wow,” Maurata heard Egina whisper “no one has ever talked to Briala that way, what will she do?” “She wont do anything except return to her seat.” Said a woman. As soon as Briala and the woman were gone, Kona breathed a sigh of relief, “That woman saved our necks,” she said “by the way we get our uniforms tomorrow at breakfast….”
A woman interrupted Kona with the words “Please return to your dorms.” ”What room are you in,we should meet there” Rica said. “14”Maurata replied. “Well, see y'all there!” said Miar. Maurata walked off to her room to change into her sleeping garb. She pulled five pillows off her bed and placed them in a circle on the floor.
Soon after her friends came in. when everyone was seated, Miar stood up,”I think we should make this a nightly thing, coming in to Maurata’s room. What do y'all think?” “Great idea!” Kona said “Then its official!” Rica said. “Ive heard that not only are we going to get our uniforms tomorrow, but the boys are coming too!” Kona announced. “I can’t wait to see Mairo again.” Miar said dreamily. “I can’t wait to see Kokoro” Rica murmured. “I bet Romayoko missed me…” Egina sighed. “Lionio must be excited.” Kona said.
“You mean there are guys at Thoarne Art that are like us.” Maurata got excited. “Yeah, but there are also guys like Briala and Lori,” Rica said sounding disgusted, “Well we better be off to bed, tomorrow’s gonna be a big day!” The others filed out and Maurata walked over to her bed and tucked in, she quickly slipped off to sleep.
Maurata awoke next morning to a gong sounding the wake up hour. She rushed to dress but found a note that she was to come to the Dining Hall in her sleeping garb. She hurried down the stairs toward the Hall. She rushed in and found that her friends had saved her a place. As soon as she was seated a woman called for silence. “Girls, this morning will go as follows; I shall call your names for you to come collect you uniforms, and then the boys of Thoarne Art will come. Moita. Kona. Miar.” The woman called off so many names that Maurata became lost in thought. Suddenly the woman called out the final name, “Maurata.” Maurata got up and rushed to the front to retrieve a feather dress. The woman handed her the dress and Maurata rushed back to her seat.
“Please return to your dorms and change, and then you shall return to this hall.” The woman called. All the girls rushed to their dorms carrying a dress of some sort. When they returned and all of them placed a seat in between them and the girl next to them. Then the doors opened and in strode many boys in fur coats and fine colored clothes. The boys filed out and sat next to their favorite girl.
The new boys stood up front. Had a short talk with their announcer then filed out sitting next to a gir who did not have an accopanment. A boy with deep brown hair slipped in next to Maurata. “Hi, Im Rainford.” he said. “Im Maurata.” Maurata said they talked all through breakfast and got to know each other well then they agreed that during Social and Free Hour they would meet in Maurata’s dorm. Then the announcer called out. “Girls, please depart to your first class, boys please go to the grounds to have your lessons.” Maurata rushed off to Etiquet class in which she learned what the month’s topic was and deepened in this topic.
Then she rushed into Voice, after class the teacher asked her to meet him during Special Skill. After that she rushed to English where she learned proper accent. Finaly it wass time for Social; she rushed to her dorm and found Rainford waiting for her. “I have to write an essay for voice about different measures.” She told him. “I’ll help you, let’s get started.” He said.
Maurata finished her homework and realized it was time for Lunch. She and Rainford hurried to the Dining Hall. While they were eating Egina passed Maurata a note it said:
He’s cute! Whats his name?
Maurata grabbed her pen and wrote back:
Rainford, He is great!
Egina passed the note back.
Wow, you’re so lucky!
Maurata replied.
Thanks but a monitor is coming wait util she is gone to write back!
Maurata started to pass the note, but the monitor spotted her and grabbed the girls by the arms. “Well, well, well! Look what we have here two trouble makers looks like Lady Sonita is going to be seeing you two very soon!” she screed with delight. It was obvious that Rainford and Romayoko wanted to help, but they couldn’t without getting them all in much worse trouble than they were allready in.
The monitor marched them out of the Dining Hall up stairwell after stairwell finnaly they came to were the stairs ended in a hallway. There was a great wood door there and the monitor marched them strait through it. There was a tall woman there. “What is it Matilda?” she asked. “These girls were caught passing parchment across the table.”
“Well then they will be joining Miss Harriet’s special subject class on their expidition to the Desert.” What! Maurata stared at Lady Sonita. There was no way to read the womans features. “You’d better get packing.” She said. Maurata stared at her.”You’ve got to be kidding!” she cried. “Im not, a maid will drop your clothes off at you rooms, you better hurry.”
Maurata was absoloutly petrified; as soon as they were at the clasroom level (Level three) they stopped “She HAS to be kidding!” Egina cried. “I don’t think she is.” Maurata said sadly. “The fifteen year olds will think it’s so weird to have two twelve year olds in their class.”
“I know we won’t understand what Miss Harriet is saying!”Egina cried. The girls ran to their dorms and found traveling and vacation garb on their beds. Maurata packed her clother quickly.then she noticed a note it read,
Dear Girls,
I am so very happy that you are to be joining my class; I think it is a pity that it is meant as a punishment. You see you’re provided clothing for the expidition, 1 set of traveling dress, 6 desert dresses. I am hoping you will enjoy the trip, I must warn you that we will be doing some things that you are much too young to participate in. I can tell you one thing you may enjoy; the boy of your choice shall join you. I hope you enjoy your time with us. Please write your choice of your acompanment below.
Sincerely
Miss Harriet
Maurata wrote Rainford’s name below the letter in neat handwriting. Then she changed into her sleeping garb. She fell asleep with troubled thoughts. The next morning Maurata got in to her Traveling Dress and met Egina, Romayoko, Rainford and Miss Harriet’s class on the grounds. She and Rainford shared a griffon. They flew over rivers and cities until the land below them transferred to desert. The griffons landed and the group set up camp. Maurata went into the girl’s tent and fell asleep.
The next morning she awoke and ate Breakfast the teens went off to study the plants in the area. Maurata and Egina went off to explore. It started to get dark. No matter how they tried they could not find the camp. Terrified they curled up together under bush trying to keep warm. Neither of them could fall asleep for fear of coyotes or wild griffons. The night lasted forever. When the sun finnaly rose they had no idea of where they where. They set out searching without luck. At sundown they found a large rock to curl up beside and they still could not sleep. Six more days passed in this manner.
Maurata awoke on the seventh day to find Egina awake already. “Come on we better get moving.” Egina souded weary and Maurata realized how tired she was. At midday Maurata collapsed from egsaustion and Egina stopped to stay with her. What are we gonna do? Maurata could not muster the stength to speak those few words of hopelessness.
Last edited by Allessandre on Sun Feb 28, 2010 7:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3114
Reviews 15
Did u spell check?
You need too.
There are many spelling mistakes.
also, At the begining you should explian what the unfamiliar words mean. like griffen.
People aren't going to want to be sarching these words
I like the plot, and story you're going for. Yet, you are telling a lot, try to show it more.
TTT




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8000
Reviews 212
I noticed some spelling mistakes and sometimes I didn't know who was speaking, but other than that. It's good. It has an interesting plot and interesting characters. I like where this is going, but you might want to explain more of who everyone is and how your MC ended up going to this school. Keep going, I'd love to read more.
"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart


“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15421
Reviews 158
Hi,
I also noticed the spelling mistakes but they will be easy to sort out if you just re-read your post.
I think the plot is, but that is a lot of dresses.
I hope that makes sense.
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
first of all, I don't like the names, because it's just rosa and thorn with added letters. I was actually reading it as ROSE HEART for some reason for the first few lines. It's kinda cheesy... It also makes it comfusing as to how you want to read... ro A sei or rew sey or something like that.

Also, she absolutely was not one of those sissy Roase Art girls. They all loved Roase Art’s fancy uniforms, while, she was, she didn’t.


Don't get what 'she was' is doing in there. take it out.

What's a garb?

Well tomorrow’s the day. That was Maurata’s last thought before she drifted off to sleep.


First of all, comma after Well. Aslo, I think you should squash these sentences together. "Well, she thought before drrifting off the sleep, tomorrow's the day." And italicise it, too.

Okay, up till now I was thinking that marshandok was just a fictional day, like a holiday where she comes from. But what is a 'Takandok'? The day after? Besides, I thought she was looking forwards to it, so why was she sighing (in her word choice) about it already being tankandok? Also, I'm not a fan of all of these made up words.

“Takandok already” she muttered to herself as she awoke. She got up and slipped into her traveling clothes. “Dear, lets go” She heard her mother call. “Coming mum!” She called back. She sighed. “Well here it goes.” She rushed out of her room and down the hall to her mother who was waiting by the door. They walked to the corner shop where the Griffin was waiting. Maurata climbed on reluctantly, then turned to say good bye to her mother “Good bye” she said. “We’ll visit.” Her mother replied. The Griffin took off and she held her breath, this was it.


You should split this up every time someone different speaks. Also, it breaks it up, so it's not just a page of text. It looks less daunting that way, so more people will read.

“Hi!” said the girl next to her, “I'm Egina, this is Rica” she said indicating to the girl across from her. “I'm Maurata.” Maurata replied. “I'm Miar” chimed in another girl, “and this is Kona.” “Hi!” said Kona “welcome to Roase Art, I gotta warn you bout Briala and Lori, they’re really mean.” “Oh really?”, came a voice from behind Maurata. The others froze and Maurata turned around to see a girl with dirty blond hair and blue green eyes standing behind her, her mouth set in a smirk. “I'm Briala, this is Lori, I hope you realize how low these girls will drag you.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Maurata questioned. “It means they are of lowest importance and have no right to be here.” Briala replied. “That isn’t true you are nothing but a snot, and furthermore you have no right to say who has the right to do what, or did you become Queen over the summer?” Maurata asked.


Okay..? Who said what, and how many names am I supposed to remember? Break it up with descriptions, and then have a seperate paragraph for each person speaking. Also, I got the impression that you were just trying to introduce everyone at once. take it slow.

“Wow,” Maurata heard Egina whisper “no one has ever talked to Briala that way, what will she do?” “She wont do anything except return to her seat.” Said a woman.


Lemme guess? Woman = teacher? Maybe you should say teacher, because it seems like of weird that a rondom woman saved their necks at a private school.

“That woman saved our necks,” she said “by the way we get our uniforms tomorrow at breakfast….”

Telling. We don't really need to know this. And wouldn;t they usually bring uniforms with them? May be different there, though.

Soon after her friends came in. when everyone was seated, Miar stood up,”I think we should make this a nightly thing, coming in to Maurata’s room. What do y'all think?” “Great idea!” Kona said “Then its official!” Rica said. “Ive heard that not only are we going to get our uniforms tomorrow, but the boys are coming too!” Kona announced. “I can’t wait to see Mairo again.” Miar said dreamily. “I can’t wait to see Kokoro” Rica murmured. “I bet Romayoko missed me…” Egina sighed. “Lionio must be excited.” Kona said.


Telling. Stretch it out, also, why would they make it a tradition within their first day of meeting her, going to her room?

util


until.

Maurata wrote Rainford’s name below the letter in neat handwriting. Then she changed into her sleeping garb. She fell asleep with troubled thoughts. The next morning Maurata got in to her Traveling Dress and met Egina, Romayoko, Rainford and Miss Harriet’s class on the grounds. She and Rainford shared a griffon. They flew over rivers and cities until the land below them transferred to desert. The griffons landed and the group set up camp. Maurata went into the girl’s tent and fell asleep.

The next morning she awoke and ate Breakfast the teens went off to study the plants in the area. Maurata and Egina went off to explore. It started to get dark. No matter how they tried they could not find the camp. Terrified they curled up together under bush trying to keep warm. Neither of them could fall asleep for fear of coyotes or wild griffons. The night lasted forever. When the sun finnaly rose they had no idea of where they where. They set out searching without luck. At sundown they found a large rock to curl up beside and they still could not sleep. Six more days passed in this manner.

Maurata awoke on the seventh day to find Egina awake already. “Come on we better get moving.” Egina souded weary and Maurata realized how tired she was. At midday Maurata collapsed from egsaustion and Egina stopped to stay with her. What are we gonna do? Maurata could not muster the stength to speak those few words of hopelessness.


that was all very quick. Try picking out each even and writing about it separately. the anxuisness of them going on the trip... it feels like you should be three chapters in already! Just describe what you would see if you were there.

Also, you should review! remember what I said last time? Just read through someone's work, and give them an overview of what you think is happening, what you don't get and what paints a really vivid picture in your mind. I see you've already made 4 posts, but no reviews. I think it's something like 50 words/250 characters to count?
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
I'm starting to review, and your reviews are helping. Look for a story called Wolves of Stone Hollow, I can't give you a link because I'm in a touch phone sorry!
A
GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.



You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time