The Elemental Lands Part 1

Larii stepped forward out of the darkness of the trees of the Shadow forest looking across the barren lands of the Air Senders, she as a Shadow Caller, found the barren lands and constant breeze disgusting, and there was too much light in this place, for no trees grew on the wasteland, and only the shadows of grass appeared here and there. Once long ago, this land had belonged to her people, but during a nasty war with the Fire Chasers, the trees that had grown there had burnt to a crisp, hence the birth of the Air Senders. With no trees to hinder its flow, air flowed freely in a constant breeze. Olan, Jaycee, and Salr stepped out to her side, “Look at that, to think it was once filled with trees, it makes me sick!” Jaycee exclaimed angrily.
“Good, that only fires the anger we Shadow Callers have proudly called our own for thousands of years,” Salr said flatly, he had always spoke this way, without a hint of emotion.
“Our anger toward the Fire Chasers for burning it, or toward the Air Senders for inhabiting it?” Olan questioned his father.
“Both neither shall be forgotten until-“ Salr never finished his sentence, knowing better than to question Larii’s authority as she spoke.
“Enough chit chat, these fool Air Senders will regret their choice to live here!” Larii’s eyes flared with anger and excitement as she spoke the last words. The four set out at a brisk run, Larii paused near the entrance to the gorge in which the Air Senders lived, dropping down and tying up her waist length hair with a length of vine. "Spread out," Larii watched the other circle around the gorge, pulling out their bows, revenge would be theirs!

Hi Im new here and hope you like it!
Allessandre

hey Alle!
TripTrav here!
I like the story you'll be starting. Can't wait for the nest part.
Use the spell chack though. i caught a few mistakes.
It will be easier than me telling them to u.
Waiting for the next part!
TTT:D

Okay, Hi! First, I'll introduce myself. I'm Asxz and I'll be your reviewer. I'll give you a grammar, line-by-line nit pick (spelling, too). Then I'll give you an overall review. Because yourse is so short, I'll probably not say much in that.

Larii stepped forward out of the darkness. She leftofthe treesof the Shadow forest, looking across the barren lands of the Air Senders,. She, as a Shadow Caller, found the barren lands and constant breeze disgusting,. There was too much light in this place, for no trees grew on the wasteland, and only the shadows of grass appeared here and there.

Yes, that is one sentance as you've written it. Far far far far faaaarr too long. I've made some changes, so you can read it easier. Also, it's a good idea to keep one or two ideas per sentance. That just breaks it down. As you had it, i stopped understanding what was going on around the third comma.

Another good idea, when writing, is to use commas correctly. now, you've prabably heard how to use them before, but my old English teacher was a complete nutter, and I was forced to spend a week researching, and doing worksheets on, commas.

Situation one: I was forced to spend a week researching, and doing worksheets on, commas.
Now, it doesn't seem like you need a pause there, does it? Well, you use them instead of brackets. I was forced to spend a week researching (and doing workssheets on) commas. Does that make sense? Yes. If the words can bee read without the material that's in the commas.

Situation two: Now, you've prabably heard how to use them before.

Introductions. Now, you've probably... you put a comma after now, because it's an introduction. Also, in speech, you might say "Well, that's lucky," and you would put a comma there, too.

Situation three: Joining clauses. That's basically joining two parts of a setence without using and or but or however or whatever conjuntion. The sand was yellow, the water was blue. You would pause at the comma, separating the tow parts of the sentance. You would be able to write this as The sand was yellow and the water was blue. or The sand was yellow. The water was blue. really, it just takes thought about what kind of effect you're trying to create with the audience. it comes naturally, most times, so that you just know which example to use.


So you can see how confusing your first paragraph was, trying to sort out where to use situation 1,2 or 3! I think you do that in the secons sentance, too. Back to your writing!

Once, long ago, this land had belonged to her people, but during a nasty war with the Fire Chasers, the trees that had grown there had burnt to a crisp,. Hence the birth of the Air Senders.

More dramatic if the last part is it's own sentance.

Olan, Jaycee, and Salr stepped out to her side,.
(New paragraph)
“Look at that! To think it was once filled with trees. It makes me sick!” Jaycee exclaimed angrily.

If you put anger in her words (exclamation points and short sentances) then you don't need to tell us she's angry. Or else it could be one long sentance in which she starts rampling on...

“Both. Neither shall be forgotten until-“

"Spread out," Larii watched the other circle around the gorge, pulling out their bows. Revenge would be theirs!

Also, you're kind of telling us what Shadow Callers are like when they speak. Clever, but it's unnecessary. If we read enough of this, then we'll find out for ourselves. Just say "it only makes you angrier' or something like that. Quicker, flows more, easier to read.
Overall?
I didn't like it, because it was TOO SHORT! I'm sorry for the caps... but really, if you want more reviews then write more and we'll be able to get the fell of the piece. It's a cool idea, but you're telling us through their words. Unless they actually speak like that all the time... which would get very annoying!

Otherwise, it's good. You introduced characters well, We know what the plot's about.We know why they're going to kill the Air Senders without some long ramble about the war, and how long it lasted, and how many people it killed, and how many trees it burnt down, and how long it took for each tree to burn down... which is very good considering your age! When I was twelve... well, I try to forget what I wrote then.

So, main points: Commas (use proparly)
Break down your sentences to 1/2 ideas each.
Read other people's work, rewiew it, and then (upon noticing their mistakes) you'll make less in your own writing. It's a good way to learn, because there are a variety of proses here on the site, so you kind of get to know more about what you like to read, what you think works well, and what you think doesn't.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! I'm GryphonFledgling and I'm here to review your story! *whoot*

A few general critiques for you:

Larii stepped forward out of the darkness of the trees of the Shadow forest looking across the barren lands of the Air Senders, she as a Shadow Caller, found the barren lands and constant breeze disgusting, and there was too much light in this place, for no trees grew on the wasteland, and only the shadows of grass appeared here and there.

Omigoodness, but that is one gigantic opening sentence. It looks like you could break it up with a period between "Senders" and "she" up there. As is, it's uber long and a bit run-on.
--

Olan, Jaycee, and Salr stepped out to her side, “Look at that, to think it was once filled with trees, it makes me sick!” Jaycee exclaimed angrily.

There needs to be a period between "side" and the start of the dialogue.

A note about dialogue: Whenever a new character starts to talk, you bump their dialogue down into its own paragraph.
ex.
"Honey, I don't see why you had to park this far away," Shelly moaned as she stepped out of the car in her four-inch heels.

"This way I don't have to worry about someone scratching my paint," Tom retorted. "And you should have thought about how you were actually going to walk in those shoes before you bought them."
--
You throw a lot of names around in this little bit and because we as readers haven't met the groups involved, it's really easy to get confused. Who are these people? What is their relationship to one another? What exactly went down that made everyone so angry? Take a little time to set the stage and let the readers know what's going. As is, there are so many names with nothing behind them that it's a bit confusing.

--
It seems like you have a cool idea here. I'd like to see where it goes. Just take the time to describe the situation a bit more. We've been thrown right into the action, which is nice, but without anything to ground us, it's just a lot of words. So just take a little time to let the reader know what's up.

Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling

Hey for those of you who want to read longer stuff by me, go to this link post667582.html#p667582

Hi Allessandre
I like this post. It's sort and sweet but I hope you're going to write more since it's really good.
I like the way that the people are named after what I think is probably what they do. I hope that makes sense to you.
If/when you post more will you pm me?
midnightread

Hi, the name is Curious and I stumbled onto your story and soon fell in love with it.'The Elemental Lands', was spellbinding from the beginning to end. Darkly brilliant, disturbing and eerie come to mind when I read it. Sadly it ended so swiftly and unexpectedly sending my brain waves in a chaotic frenzy.Thank You for the read even though it left me crazy. Write soon.....pleeeeeeeeeease.

I wrote this randomly and have NO idea whatsoever what to do with it!!! Help!