The Diary of Sara Jacobs- Chapter 1

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Hi peoples! This is my first story, so please be HARSH! =P Thankies! :elephant:


Dear Diary,

Sara quickly erased what she had just written. This wasn't a diary, it was a stupid extra credit project her English teacher, Mrs. Maclane, had given her. She started again.

Dear Journal,

Kat smiled, she wouldn't give that Mrs. Maclane any more than she was asking for. She continued.

Well I'm stuck here, at my desk, on a perfect Saturday afternoon. I should be out playing soccer with my friends, or exploring the woods with Fiona, but no. Instead I'm stuck here. So I might as well get it over with.

Kat paused, her Mrs. Maclane was going to read this journal. She thought for a second, she tore out that page and started for the second time.

Dear Journal,
Well it's the 2nd of March on a lovely Saturday afternoon. It is currently 12: 42 P.M and I am currently in my bedroom. I'm supposed to write down the events of the next two months and today is my first day of those 61.

March is my favorite month, it's spring soccer season. My birthday is on the 27th, and it means bike rides through the forest with my best friend, Fiona. And plus, March 22nd is Fiona's birthday. It's perfect! I can already imagine seeing the look on Fiona's face when she enters her party. We're planning to give her a surprise party, I'm getting her season tickets to Rocknasium. I think her Mom and Dad are planning something special, I'm not sure but I have an idea that it has something to do with a trip to Yellowstone.

Well even though I've only written a couple of paragraphs I have to go help make lunch. I think Mom is making alfredo, yum! I'll write in you later, bye!


Sara frowned, the last sentence sounded like she was excited about the journal. She did not want Mrs.Maclane to think that she actually liked writing in this journal. She quickly erased the last sentence.

"Sara! Come help make lunch!" Her older sister Kara called down. Sara scowled, Sara and Kara, Kara and Sara. She hated it! The Jacob sisters, Kara and Sara. Kara, the perfect daughter. Shiny blonde hair, deep blue eyes, and every hair in its place, was only the basics of her year older sister. Sara, unkept mouse brown hair, bright green eyes that seemed to hint mischief, and her hair rarely combed. Sara stalked downstairs thinking furious thoughts.

"Sara sister, whatever is the matter?" Kara looked at her younger sister with a concered expression.

"You're the matter!" Sara glared at Kara. She tried to make it clear she disliked her sister as much as someone could dislike someone. But yet Kara still tried to make peace with her sister.

"Oh, well I'm very sorry for whatever I did Sara." Kara tried to place her perfectly manicured hand on Sara's shoulder but Sara stepped quickly aside.

"Let's just get lunch ready, Dad will be home any second." Sara took a deep breath and stalked into the kitchen.

"Hi honey! Would you be a dear and get the salad ready?" Mrs. Jacobs was furiously beating egg yolks in a large bowl. Sara sighed and got to work. She opened the fridge door when the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Sara yelled at rushed to the phone. "Kara be a good sister and get your tush over to the fridge and make that salad!" Sara yelled before she picked the phone up.

"Okay Sara, I'll be right down." Kara replied good naturedly in the other room. Sara rolled her eyes.

"Jacobs residence, Sara Jacobs speaking." Sara had just started saying this, she used it as a way to mock her sister who usually answered the phone like so.

"Umm... hi. Kile Ryan speaking, can I speak to Sara Jacobs of the Jacobs residence?" On the other end of the phone Kile snickered.

"Oh be quite you idoit, I suppose you'll want to speak to her lady Kara then?" Sara tapped her foot impatiently, she had been expecting a call from Fiona.

"That would be lovely." Kile mocked Sara.

"Shut up Kile." Sara said into the reciever before shouting, "KARA IT'S YOUR IDOIT BOYFRIEND KILE RYANS!" Kile was not actually Kara's boyfriend, they were lab partners for a science project at the high school.

Kara rushed down the stairs, landing exactly next to Sara. "Thank you Sara." Kara picked the phone up. Sara heard Kile rapidly talking on the other end before going into the kithchen and then Kara crying out.



Sorry guys! That's all I have time to type right now, I'll type more later! :D :D :D
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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I thought the "journal" part was supposed to be italic. Good job! Keep on writing!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




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The journal part is itallic...
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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Oops! Sorry guys! I was deciding if I should make the main character Kat or Sara, in the end I chose Sara but I had already typed some with Kat and forgot to go back and change it! SO SARA IS KAT!
If you're mad at someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either
a rock star or an opera diva.


:3 ROSE WUZ HERE :3




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here is the non-italic journal part:
Well it's the 2nd of March on a lovely Saturday afternoon. It is currently 12: 42 P.M and I am currently in my bedroom. I'm supposed to write down the events of the next two months and today is my first day of those 61.



March is my favorite month, it's spring soccer season. My birthday is on the 27th, and it means bike rides through the forest with my best friend, Fiona. And plus, March 22nd is Fiona's birthday. It's perfect! I can already imagine seeing the look on Fiona's face when she enters her party. We're planning to give her a surprise party, I'm getting her season tickets to Rocknasium. I think her Mom and Dad are planning something special, I'm not sure but I have an idea that it has something to do with a trip to Yellowstone.



Well even though I've only written a couple of paragraphs I have to go help make lunch. I think Mom is making alfredo, yum! I'll write in you later, bye!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




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READ MINE! mine is "Karen and Pingo, prologue". Become me's FRIEND! i already friended you!
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




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portersrose wrote:Hi peoples! This is my first story, so please be HARSH! =P Thankies! :elephant: Here's me being HARSH. (comments in bold)

Kat paused, her Mrs. Maclane <-- What does that mean? was going to read this journal. She thought for a second, she tore out that page and started for the second time.
Dear Journal,
Well You can take out the 'Well'it's the 2nd of March on a lovely Saturday afternoon. It is currently 12: 42 P.M and I am currently in my bedroom. I'm supposed to write down the events of the next two months and today is my first day of those 61.
March is my favorite month, it's spring soccer season. My birthday is on the 27th, and it means bike rides through the forest with my best friend, Fiona. And plus, March 22nd is Fiona's birthday. It's perfect! I can already imagine seeing the look on Fiona's face when she enters her party. We're planning to give her a surprise party. I'm getting her season tickets to Rocknasium. I think her Mom and Dad are planning something special, I'm not sure but I have an idea that it has something to do with a trip to Yellowstone.
Well Yeah, the 'well's get annoying, try to cut down on them even though I've only written a couple of paragraphs I have to go help make lunch. I think Mom is making alfredo, yum! I'll write in you later, bye!

"Sara sister, whatever is the matter?" Kara looked at her younger sister with a concerned expression.
"Let's just get lunch ready, Dad will be home any second." Sara took a deep breath and stalked into the kitchen. Why does she hate her sister so much? She seems nice enough to me
"I'll get it!" Sara yelled at rushed to the phone. "Kara be a good sister and get your tush over to the fridge and make that salad!" Sara yelled before she picked the phone up. I liked this part
"Umm... hi. Kile Ryan speaking, can I speak to Sara Jacobs of the Jacobs residence?Don't you mean Kara?" On the other end of the phone Kile snickered.
"Oh be quite you idiot, I suppose you'll want to speak to her lady Kara then?"
"That would be lovely." Kile mocked Sara. If he's mocking her,try and put a bit more in the dialogue to make it seem that way
"Shut up Kile." Sara said into the receiver before shouting, "KARA IT'S YOUR IDIOT BOYFRIEND KILE RYANS!" Kile was not actually Kara's boyfriend, they were lab partners for a science project at the high school.
Kara rushed down the stairs, landing exactly next to Sara. "Thank you Sara." Kara picked the phone up. Sara heard Kile rapidly talking on the other end before going into the kithchen and then Kara crying out. Last part doesn't make sense


Overall, this was a decent start to a story, but nothing I haven't seen before. The younger sister who hates her perfect older sister. The oblivious mother, and a pretty generic school assignment. Oh course, since this IS the first chapter, you might have something awesome planned, but for me this is just average. Also, please check your spelling, you can use either Word of FireFox to help you. Keep it up! (remember, this is me being harsh, like you asked
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"



Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson