Awakening

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CHAPTER 1
(KNOWING)

I'm Jennifer Andrews,I'm 18 years old. I live in my dad's sparrow white apartment, were not actually rich as you thought we would be.
So this is my story happens, It was in Florida. Fort Lauderdale in Florida. My dad is'nt here he was in his business trip in Rome. And I have no mother, she died when I was seven years old, and it was very hard to live without a special someone or a family, it's been eleven years since she died. Actually there's a lot person pass to my life.

So this is it. As I wake up early in morning I look at the mirror, looking at myself, I feel so dumb with making goofy of myself. So, after my morning bath I eat my breakfast, actually my nanny is here, she is Stella she've been here for 3 years years and as an old woman she had her family so she just lookin' out for me and make some food at the morning. Just in the morning. And to clean our house every morning after cooking food. It's spring actualy and it is the middle of semester. So after eating, I pick up my things at my room and out of the door. As i walk I saw this weird guy. My neighbor, he is Mr. Diaria. He always wave his hand on me. Sometimes it bothering me when it's night and someone will knocked on the door and I will open it and then grabs me or as I walk there would be another thief will grabs me. But I dont't walk, I have a car.

So, beside of this scary part of me, and every people should have this a wacky person's in their life. There goes my friends. Everybody's staring at us, seems like fat Jacob wearing his weirdest robe. And actualy his real name is Jacob Zxyvanne Stewart. He is not fat but a very big fat guy, but you can never ever believe this he is kinda cute. Then this is Keisha. The sensitive one. Then last but not the least my closest friend Michelle. Michelle Swasky, she always protecting us.
.
Okey, stop for the intoduction, this is really is it. When everyone is staring at us Michelle raise her hands to stop us walking, then we stops. And she go to the fountain and shout to all people who can hear her. And shouting "PEOPLE WILL YOU STOP STARING AT US."and she added's "IF YOU ALL WOULD'NT STOP US THERE WILL BE SOMETHING HAPPEN IN YOUR LOCKERS....HMMN...." then she walks to us and this guy who is into her was staring at her then she snobs it and then hold my arms thightly and enetrs to the hallway. Then I saw this guy his staring at me and so I do, and only Michelle know's that I like this guy, this guy is Chris. Chris Ryan the hearthrob in this school. Actualy one girl in this school talks to me and she said "you are gotta be so lucky because Chris Ryan likes you" that was this girl told me. So were here at the laboratory room. I sat in my old sit before my teacher comes. Why I said my "OLD" because today my teacher will rearrange our new sitting arrangement. Wheewwww... I hope I will sit next to Chris. Well I tell ya, half of the semester he never talk to me on the class he is the only one left in the class who does'nt spoke with me.

Then my teacher comes. Our stubborness becomes silence. Mr. Alec, my Biology teacher he get his class record and rearrange us.
He calls my classmates one by one and we are only 12 I think left. And guess what Chris Ryan was also left. And BANG! he calls me and then he said "Jenny, your partner will be none other than Chris Ryan." And WOW never thought that will happened. When he stood up THE MEANS was looking at me, and wait I will say that Michelle was sitting with Abraham, Chris good friend, and also Keisha was sitting with James, also an good friend of Chris. And Jacob, he was sitting with "THE LEADER of THE MEANS" actually I was the one who call them "MEANS" well you can say it with their move. Okey back to me. Chris Ryan, finally talk to me and he said Hi! and i say Hi to him. And he sorry to me, because we were classmates in all subjects and how we not talk to each other. And i say "that's alright every people make mistakes, so it's alright" and he reply "really, I can't believe because you are the first person who accept my apology" and I smiled. Then Mr. Alec tells "how we say to your new partner?" and one of my classmate tell "oh it's great Mr. A, how can you say no to my new partner than the last partner I have." then he looks to Martha. Martha is kinda chubby look but she is smart,and the class president. His old lab partner.
Last edited by Writersdomain on Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: no caps in title, please!
mikee trinidad




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Gurlaloo, you have to spruce up your grammar a little bit. If you want, bring it on a flash drive and I'll edit it here. Hmmm... You're spelling is a bit off too hon. You need to put in more dialogue and action into it. I'm interested by the story though.

MEANS- that was genius and the LEADER OF THE MEANS... LOL!
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mikeetrinidad wrote:CHAPTER 1
(KNOWING)

I'm Jennifer Andrews,I'm 18 years old. I live in my dad's sparrow white apartment, we're not actually rich as you thought we would be.
So this is my story happens, It was in Florida. Fort Lauderdale in Florida. My dad isn't here he was in his business trip in Rome. And I have no mother, she died when I was seven years old, and it was very hard to live without a special someone or a family, it's been eleven years since she died. Actually there's a lot person pass to my life.I'm not sure what you meant with this last sentence.

So this is it. As I wake up early in morning I look at the mirror, looking at myself, I feel so dumb with making goofy of myself. So, after my morning bath I eat my breakfast, actually my nanny is here, she is Stella she've been here for 3 years years and woman she had her family so she just lookin' out for me and make some food at the morning. Just in the morning.


I was going to continue but there are so many mistakes. Your grammar and punctuation is off and there are a lot of misspellings. Make sure before you post that you use the Spell Check on the upper right-hand corner. And, of course, that you proofread it yourself a couple of times.
When you get all that done I'll be glad to review it. :)


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Hi mikeetrinidad,
So, you have lot to improve in grammar but I really think you can improve. I was keen to read it but I think there are far too many errors to read. Just go through it once agian and let me know if I can help.PM me for questions if you have.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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it's nice.. i'm from Philippines too. :D
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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You really need to improve the grammar in this. It makes it hard to read.

Just proofread it and you'll see that like half of your sentences don't make any sense.

PM me if you ever update your grammar and then I'll give you a real review. Oh, and please not that capitalization of an entire word is not appropriate for formal writing.

Cheers,
Lena
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I found that very hard to read. As others have said, go through your story and check it. When you are talking about strangers taking you in the beginning is it actually happening, is it a dream, or a thought? What is it?

Sorry if this seems harsh.
~jessey
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..Guys, sorry if the grammars are wrong, accept my apologies please.
by the way, thanks for the comments...
mikee trinidad




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there are a lot of grammatical errors and some spelling (i think, I dont remember, oops!). good plot, improve on grammar, stuff like that. do a lot of self-edits before posting
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