Dangerous, Dirty Secret

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I stare at her. The little girl, standing there beside the forest edge in her dirty, white dress. The white ribbon that ties her dark hair in a ponytail flutters in the small breeze. She looks oddly familiar. Like I met her before long ago. But that would be impossible. People change, especially little girls. So there isn't a way that I could have met her in the past, but still...The girl's dark eyes find my gray ones. She cracks a smile and then waves me slowly to follow her. I raise an eyebrow and look around me to make sure she wasn't talking to someone else, a mother or sibling. But there is no one but me standing around the bus stop, the seats rusted down and posters much too blurry to read. I look back at the little girl to see the end of her white dress disappearing into the deep forest. What is she doing? Little girls don't walk around in a forest as thick as this one. Instinct seems to kick in and I run after her, my white sneakers kicking up pebbles on the cracked road.
Reaching the forest edge I suddenly realise how thick this forest really is. My god, how did she do it? Parting branches and small trees, I trudge through the over grown jungle, following the out-of-place white of the girl's dress and her occasional giggle. A girlish giggle that gives me the chills for some reason. Her laugh even sounds strangely familiar. I follow her for some time, the woods become darker as the trees create a canopy above my head with their twisted branches reaching heavenwards and leaves as big as my head blocking any light. But then the unexpected hike ends. In the clearing of a small circle of grass sits the little girl, sitting on a flat topped rock that is long enough to lay on and is stained. Rain? Maybe, but the stains seem darker then water spots. Her dark, soul-seeing-like eyes look at me up and down, as if judging meat, before stopping on my face.
"Hey, what are you doing out here?" I ask, taking a step towards her. She recoils farther on the rock, her smile disappearing. I step back again and her nerves die down.
"I'm waiting for Daddy." She says, straighting the filthy dress. Some parents. How long has she been out here?
"Well, where is he? Out here in the forest?" I ask. "This isn't the place for little girls. There are big animals out here and I don't want you to hurt."
She looks at me and giggles. I stare back with one eyebrow raised.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, noticing my voice rising. I calm myself. There’s no point in arguing with a seven-year-old. They always win because everything to them is carefree, unlike the world they eventually come into. The smile on her face disappears and she moves her torso as if looking at something behind me. I turn my head, but see nothing. Nothing but the dark, creeping shadows of the forest. But something in them moves. Shadows moving? No, I must be imagining things. Shadows move when something else moves. They don’t move on there own.
“But I want to play a little longer, Daddy.” I turn back to the little seven-year-old. She sticks out her bottom lip in a pout, making her eyes big, even though her black, doe eyes are big enough. I shake my head.
“Who are you talking to?” I question, turning my head again, but seeing nothing once more. The girl’s eyes look at me and they stop doing the pout. Her lips smile menacingly like she’s someone with a dangerous, dirty secret.
“I’m talking to Daddy.” She says, putting her tiny, doll-like hands on her yet-to-be-develop hips. I muster up a shocked face and allow my hands to hover over my mouth. This seems to please her until I laugh. Her smile drops fast and her eyes look hurt. I know I should feel bad, but she led me in the middle of no where and she was getting on my nerves. My eyes stare straight in hers.
"And who's your Daddy?" I ask mockingly. Why have I suddenly gotten attitude? She points behind me. I turn around and see something hiding there in the shadows, its body standing tall, its eyes glowing a strange white glow. The figure steps out from the concealing darkness and I feel the urge to run. The figure must be some type of alternative human being because it body seems strangely deformed. Its chest and shoulders broad under that black cloak while its hips have a seductive curve. Its face is meant to be concealed but easily seen from under the hood of the cloak. Its features are sharp, half and half between feminine and masculine. But its eyes. They stand out like a beacon. They glow a faint white around the edges of pure blackness. The eyes have no pupils, no irises, just deep, dark, chilly blackness that creeps around your very soul. It walks in a large arch around me to reach the little girl. Its long-fingered hands rest lightly on her tiny shoulders and she looks up at the strange creature, smiling a closed mouth smile.
"Him." She answers.
Last edited by Quetseli on Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony




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My comments are in bold

Quetseli wrote:She looks at me and giggles. I stare back with one eyebrow raised.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, noticing my voice rose. I calm myself. There’s no point in arguing with a seven-year-old. They always win because everything to them is carefree, unlike the world they eventually come into. The smile on her face disappears and she moves her torso as if looking at something behind me. I turn my head, but see nothing. Nothing but the dark, creeping shadows of the forest. But something in them moves. Shadows moving? No, I must be imagining things. Shadows move when something else moves. They don’t move on there own. What is going on here? Is this his/her sister, or what? Why are they in the forest? This starts out really strangely for me.
“But I want to play a little longer, Daddy.” I turn back to the little seven-year-old. She sticks out her bottom lip in a pout, making her eyes big, even though her black, doe eyes are big enough. I shake my head.
“Who are you talking to?” I question, turning my head again, but seeing nothing once more. The girl’s eyes look at me and they stop doing the pout. Her lips smile menacingly like she’s someone with a dangerous, dirty secret.
“I’m talking to Daddy.” She says, putting her tiny, doll-like hands on her yet-to-be-develop hips. I muster up a shocked face and allow my hands to hover over my mouth. This seems to please her until I laugh. Her smile drops fast and her eyes look hurt. I know I should feel bad, but she led me in the middle of no where and she was getting on my nerves. My eyes stare straight in hers.
"And who's your Daddy?" I ask mockingly. She points behind me. I turn around and see something hiding there in the shadows, its body standing tall, its eyes glowing a strange white glow. The figure steps out from the concealing darkness and I feel the urge to run. The figure must be some type of alternative human being because it body seems strangely deformed. Its chest and shoulders broad under that black cloak while its hips have a seductive curve. Its face is meant to be concealed but easily seen from under the hood of the cloak. Its features are sharp, half and half between feminine and masculine. But its eyes. They stand out like a beacon. They glow a faint white around the edges of pure blackness. The eyes have no pupils, no irises, just deep, dark, chilly blackness that creeps around your very soul. It walks in a large arch around me to reach the little girl. Its long-fingered hands rest lightly on her tiny shoulders and she looks up at the strange creature, smiling a closed mouth smile. CREEPY! But great description, I could feel your characters terror!
"Him." She answers.
Great cliffhanger, please continue!

I really liked this story so far, but the beginning definitely needs more work. Other than that you've got an awesome idea, and writing style, so please post more!
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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This story reminded me of one of those scary video games like resident evil. I have to slightly disagree with wariofart, I can see your story is the type that starts with the action and explains as it goes on. Like a tarantino movie. :)
Or perhaps I am mistaken. Is this all of your story? Or are you writing more?

Trick
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@tRiCk. Yeah I'm writing more. I posted a new one just today! Thanks for the review, also! X3
And I vow oath to this creed and all who are within it, to protect and value them all.
-Altorian Guard Recruit Ceremony



"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites