Why did we go on the Wrong Plane Part 1

"What all are you planning to take with you to the New york trip?"Betty asked her friend,Ashley.
"I will be taking my cool dresses and camera?" Ashley replied from the other side of the phone.

"That's nice but I hate dresses," said Betty who responded.
,
"But you wore one in the band concert," replied Ashley who thought Betty was contradicting herself.

It really was, when they had there band concert in December, her mom forced her to wear a red strapless dress. She HATED it. the Dress started falling every 5 seconds. She was just glad her mom only spent 5 dollars on it at a grage sale.

"I hate to remember it,"said Betty who wanted to get herself cleared.

Suddenly on Betty's side her, two tabby cats started fighting.

"Got to go" said Betty rudely interrupting Ashley.

Betty than turned off her cell phone.

"Stop" she yelled at her two cats

But it was too late. Her cat's claw went through her Green Day poster that was lying on the floor. That was one of her most prized possesions. Out of all her 11 years, the day she got it was the best. See Green Day is her favourite band and one day as usual she went to Hot Topic and found them. Se then let them autograph it and gave her there email adress.

Dont get me wrong Betty wasn't emo. She just liked the music and the fashion. She happened to be one of the most loudest and happiest people.

She tried to stop them but it was too late the cats claw ripped up Billie Joe Armstrong and ruined the autographs. She just sat in shock until.

"GET OUT" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

The two scared Tabbies jumped out, leaving the shreds behind them.

"Hopefully my trip to New York tommorrow will go better" she said in her mind.

..................................

The Next day at school, Lucas sat there in the bus next to William. The 11 year olds were bored and excited. Mostly excited for the field trip. Lucas decided to talk to Betty and Ashley because William was too busy playing the PlayStation.

"I'm so freakin excited" yelled Lucas to them even though they were right next to him. Lets just say he could get excited.

"Me too, hopefully .I could see the Green Day Musical" said Betty who was looking around suddenly when William got in the Conversation

"He's Emo" said William who kinda hated Billie Joe Armstrong.

"No he's not" defended Betty.

"He wears black eyeliner" said Lucas in reply.

"Stop talking to her" said Ashley.

Lets just say Ashley hated Lucas and William, especially Lucas. Lets Just say Lucas looks like her ex-boyfreind Rodger. She just wanted William to stop talking she would have continued but....

"We are here" said the Science teacher, Mrs.Mott who was adjusting her thick glasses.

I can't beleive we are at the Madison airport and going to New York, said Lucas in his mind

This is interesting. I love the contemporary outlook that a lot of todays younger writers surprisingly lack. There's a few nits to be picked though.

Word-tag-syndrome; words like 'said' and 'asked' and such don't need to be used every time someone says something. As long as it's clear who's speaking, you don't need them.

Try to replace digits with words, for example, '5' should be 'five.'

Also, near the bottom you've used 'let's just say' to start two consequetive sentences, which is never a good idea.

If this is what you're writing at age eleven, with a little experience under your belt you're going to be flying high in a few years time. Keep at it.

My comments are in blod

cuco9999 wrote:"What all are you planning to take with you to the New york trip?"Betty asked her friend,Ashley.
"I will be taking my cool dresses and camera?" Ashley replied from the other side of the phone. Don't use a question mark, use a period
"That's nice but I hate dresses," said Betty who responded. change this to "Betty responded
"But you wore one in the band concert," replied Ashley who thought Betty was contradicting herself.
It really was, when they had there band concert in December, her mom forced her to wear a red strapless dress. She HATED it. the Dress started falling every 5 seconds. She was just glad her mom only spent 5 dollars on it at a garage sale. The beginning of the sentence is confusing. Try and change it
"I hate to remember it,"said Betty who wanted to get herself cleared.
Suddenly on Betty's side her, two tabby cats started fighting.
"Got to go" said Betty rudely interrupting Ashley.
Betty than turned off her cell phone.
"Stop" she yelled at her two cats
But it was too late. Her cat's claw went through her Green Day poster that was lying on the floor. That was one of her most prized possesions. Out of all her 11 years, the day she got it was the best. See Green Day was her favourite band and one day as usual she went to Hot Topic and found them. Se then let them autograph it and gave her there email adress. This seems unrealistic, maybe she went to a concert?
Dont get me wrong Betty wasn't emo. She just liked the music and the fashion. She happened to be one of the most loudest and happiest people.
She tried to stop them but it was too late the cats claw ripped up Billie Joe Armstrong and ruined the autographs. She just sat in shock until.
"GET OUT" she yelled at the top of her lungs.
The two scared Tabbies jumped out, leaving the shreds behind them.
"Hopefully my trip to New York tommorrow will go better" she said in her mind.
..................................
The Next day at school, Lucas sat there in the bus next to William. The 11 year olds were bored and excited. Mostly excited for the field trip. Lucas decided to talk to Betty and Ashley because William was too busy playing the PlayStation.
"I'm so freakin excited" yelled Lucas to them even though they were right next to him. Lets just say he could get excited.
"Me too, hopefully .I could see the Green Day Musical" said Betty who was looking around suddenly when William got in the Conversation
"He's Emo" said William who kinda hated Billie Joe Armstrong.
"No he's not" defended Betty.
"He wears black eyeliner" said Lucas in reply.
"Stop talking to her" said Ashley. I love this dialogue! Very nice
Lets just say Ashley hated Lucas and William, especially Lucas. Lets Just say Lucas looks like her ex-boyfreind Rodger. She just wanted William to stop talking she would have continued but....
"We are here" said the Science teacher, Mrs.Mott who was adjusting her thick glasses.
I can't beleive we are at the Madison airport and going to New York, said Lucas in his mind

Overall, I like the story line. But please fix your spelling, try and use FireFox, it has a spell correction. Also, work on your fluency, and it'd be amazing!

Hi cuco,
So you have finally posted your story. that's great and I couldn't edit everything that day as I was busy with exams but now I am free so let me know when you need help.Also change the title as it discloses the plot. I think this will be great...

Thanks everyone the Second Part is Now is in Editing. It will be out soon. hope you like it and special thanks to my editot subhillovestowrite or the commetter right above me. she is an ausome editor

Thanks cuco. I just did what i felt I wouuld have needed had i been of your age.
One Advice: Keep reading books as it helps improving vocabulary,grammar and wriing skills. I am telling you this from my own experience.