Promise?

An amateur attempt at a pantoum.

If I shall die before you,
you will turn your head away.
Live the life I took from you,
you don't need me to stay.

You will turn your head away;
remember the promise you made.
You don't need me to stay,
for your memories will not fade.

If I shall die before you,
remember the promise you made.
Live the life I took from you,
for your memories will not fade.


Now, I know it's not really a pantoum because that last stanza is not in the correct pantoum format.
Rip it apart!

Spoiler

This is how the last stanza would've sounded if it were in pantoum format;
Remember the promise you made;
live the life I took from you,
for your memories will not fade.
If I shall die before you.

See? It sucks. I can't even put punctuation in to make it sound better. It's way off beat. So I switched the lines around a bit to make it fit better. Any tips on that? P.S. I know the middle stanza is off beat but that's just how it came out. Any helpful tips on how to make this poem flow better, please tell me! I'm willing to operate on it. *puts on surgical gloves and an evil grin*
Hope you enjoy the sucky poem! =D

Ok, it's going to be my first time reviewing a lyrics/poem.

First, I like it because is straightforward and smooth.
However, I would add a word to join together two words.

peanutgallery007 wrote:remember the promise that you made.

However, it would ride away the smoothness from the the stanza... it's your lyrics, so you decide.

Second (or Last...), I love the way that you start each paragraph (or stanza):

If I shall die before you,
You will turn your head away,

What if you add a fourth paragraph/stanza, starting with "You will..."?
It's only my suggestion, don't do it mandatory.
(n_n)

(Sorry if my review sucks...)

Keep songwriting.

I love formatted poetry! I think you should work it so that the expected ending fits though, it would be a shame to not finish the pantoum. Here's a few suggestions:

If I shall [Should would be a better choice of word. It has a stronger sound and it would make the last line fit much better.] die before you,
you will turn your head away. [I'd quite like this to be a question. Will you turn your head away?]
Live the life I took from you, [This doesn't make enough sense. Vague, paradoxical poetry is only good where the reader can understand the image through other lines of the poem. How can one live a life that has been taken from them? Taken through love and now returned? If that's the case, I'd like to see you expand the image, maybe even dedicate an additional stanza to this possibility. Also, don't rhyme you with you. It's too lazy.]
you don't need me to stay. [Too much you! How about 'There's no need to stay.' That way it's like he's musing to himself, trying to convinvce himself that she will be fine without him.]

You will turn your head away;
remember the promise you made. [I'd rather you describe this promise a little, give us some imagery. Perhaps something along the lines of 'allow the binding edge to fade' and then the last line could be 'you have the memories we made.'
You don't need me to stay,
for your memories will not fade.

So it would be:

Will you turn your head away?
Allow the binding edge to fade?
There's no need to stay,
you have the memories we made.]

remember the promise you made.
You don't need me to stay, [Noooo this line has to be the third of your first stanza. It moves full circle which is why four is the perfect number of quartets, then no line if lest unrepeated.]
for your memories will not fade.
If I shall die before you,

[In turn this would become:

Allow the binding edge to fade, (notice the change in meaning, the firmer tone? He is possibly talking to himself now)
Live the life I took from you.
You have the memories we made.
If I should die before you. (It becomes a final thought. A thought that's going around in his head.)

So awesome work here, you have the good basics of this form and now you just need to refine and add in those deeper details. Remember to try and say more with your lines, every word counts and words can have double meanings, as can repeated lines. The best pantoums force the reader to see different sides of the same line and sometimes even end on an opposite sentiment to their beginning rather than the same.

Good luck with this! I hope I helped a little, pm me if you have questions or want to talk shop. Pantoums rule!

Heather xx