Portrait of a Bear and Doctor

This was what the random story generator gave me. I turned it into a sad tale of a man suffering through the pain of a dark past.
Your story is about an artist in a doctor's office running away from a bear.

The desk splintered under the impact of the bears slash. Wood shards scattered around the room, documents fluttered through the air, and a coffee cup smashed on the ground. The grizzly bear's roar thundered in the office.

Leon trembled, he held his paintbrush so tightly that his knuckles went white. Many thoughts swirled through his head. He had just gone in to the doctor's office to make an appointment for his son Matt. He could feel tears building. His mentally handicapped son had recently been afflicted by a brutal cold. He and his wife Sharon had felt so helpless watching him cough up gallons of phylum.

Everything had been so normal, nothing at all hinting at the imminent fight for survival. Until the mad beast, a whirlwind of destruction burst into the office after it killed the Doctor. At least, Leon assumed it did. My God, why?

Leon stepped back as the bear approached. "Please, go away," he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks. Will I ever be able to paint my son another portrait? How he loves all the animals of the world. Please, he loves even the most blood thirst of predators.

Remembering his dark past, he shuddered, having no desire to die without the chance of redemption. Leon gritted his teeth, frenzied with furry. But not at the bear, but at himself. For he was not a good man. He had done things that haunt him at every hour he awoke. He had not made it to the position he is now as one of the world's wealthiest artists through ambitious dedication. Oh no, he had done such evil that nothing could redeem him. Maybe, maybe I deserve to die. My family doesn't need me polluting their bond. Matt, Sharon, I love you.

The bear slammed it's paws on the floor and growled like a rabid dog. Saliva drenched the fur around its jaws. Its deadly dagger like teeth jutted out from its gums. Muscles tensed under its thick brown coat. Leon shut his eyes for the space of the beat of a birds wing. When he opened them he knew he wanted to live. He would be the man that his family deserved.

"Leon swatted at the bear with his paintbrush. "Vah! Go away!" he barked. Leon stepped aside as the bear charged toward him. He jumped aside as the gust of air grazed his face; the wall rattled as the bear slammed into it.

A sickening crunch reverberated throughout the room. Leon ran to the door. He heard the bear snarl behind him. With trembling hands he reached for the knob. It was as cold as ice against his palm. He twisted it and cried out in terror. It was locked.

I hear the bears footfalls rumble over the tiled floor. A filing cabinet is knocked over. It clangs with a resounding boom as it hits the floor. Leon hurdled over the Doctor's crumbled desk and dashed toward the door at the end.

Why does this office have to be so bloody massive? Why did I have to ask for such a wealthy doctor? Leon whimpered as the wood behind him scrunched under the bears paws. He yanked the door open and sprinted down the hall. Leaving the door open. It slowly began to swing shut behind him.

The bear roared as it rammed the door as it began to close. With a crack, the door slammed against the outer wall with such brutality that it was knocked off it's hinges.

Leon quickly glanced back. His heart beat like a drum, and his breathing became labored. The last he saw was the broken door thundered on the ground behind the bear. The bear was absolutely massive. It's hulk almost completely obscuring the narrow hall.

Leon rounded a corner. It was dimly lit in that part of the Hospital as most of the lights were off. It hit Leon that it was deathly quiet. He couldn't hear any activity. The bears thundering foot pounds following. Leon knew that he was tempting fate. Bears were extremely agile creatures. Running from them was a death sentence.

As Leon ran, he frantically scanned his surroundings for anywhere to escape. He held his breath from sheer primal fear. Hist stomach knotted when he saw that there wasn't a single door. He exhaled a lungful of air that he had been holding. A few yards in front of him was the flickering glow of an exit sign. It was so far away that it seemed to be across a valley.

Leon sucked his head into his shoulders and increased his speed. Suddenly his feet slid beneath him and he landed flat on his back. He felt around him and realized that the had slipped on a puddle of paint.

He felt the bears rancid breath above his face, his forehead moistened from the humidity of it. Leon reflexively swiped his paintbrush over the slick floor with a twitching hand. The bristles became coated in white paint.

As the bear's jaws opened Leon's arm snapped up and he flailed his paintbrush around. Suddenly, a noose formed around the bears snout. Leon rolled out of the way as the bear thrashed around.

What just happened? With his back planted to the wall, Leon gazed in awe at the noose around the bears jaws. He pressed his paintbrush close to his face. The bristles were moist with paint as white as snow. But upon closer inspection Leon saw sparkling emerald green crystals.

Leon screamed when the noose exploded off of the bears mouth. The snap echoed in the door less hall. He pushed back from the wall and sprang to his feet. The bear lashed out with it's enormous hand.

The wall shattered where the bear struck. In mad desperation, Leon made a large square. A wooden barrier materialized, and shielded him from the bear. He cringed in agony, and gritted his teeth as he limped. His fall had brutalized his already delicate spine. His legs burned with fatigue. Every step sent flames searing through his abdomen.

The wooden board blocking the hall behind him shattered. Leon knew that he had no hope of outrunning the bear in his condition. He turned to face death. The bear was only a few body lengths away. It was barreling forward like a locomotive. The floor rumbled.

Leon crouched down and drew a circle on the hospitals ghostly white floor. A hole was burned into the floor. Leon whipped his face back as a torrent of frigid wind blew out of it. Cool vapor fumed form the icy pit.

The bear roared as it ran over the pit. Then it began to plunge into it's depths. It growled furiously as it dug it's claws into the edge. Leon was nose to nose with the beast. It's brown fur was ruffled and damp with oil. The fangs were as long as Leon's fingers.

He held the paintbrush in his hand. All he had to do was paint over the bears claws and... it would plunge into the abyss of death. The bears eyes gazed into his. There was a gleam of humanity in those black orbs. It was sadness. Something he mutually felt.

He felt a pang of remorse as the bears fright filled eyes seemed to peer into his soul. There was a glint of sadness in them.

It was the same innocently vacant stare of his son. Leon shook with sadness. Tears streamed down his face. It was such a beautiful creature. What would he tell his son? That he had the power to destroy life?

The bears claws began to give way, and it began to slither into the hole. "No!" Leon choked out. He reached out with his bear hands to help the poor animal. It did not move an inch. All he achieved was straining his back even further.

I'm such an imbecile! He made a series of strokes with his brush and hand holds came into existence. The bear instinctively sank it's claws into them. It's bulky arms strained, the muscles underneath rippled with the exertion. Guttural growls escaped.

Once it was completely out, Leon painted over the hole. The icy pit of oblivion was no more.

Panting, Leon slumped against the wall. The bear slinked into a corner and stared at him. It was the same glassy stare of innocence. There was no way such a beautiful creature could have killed the doctor.

"I'm sorry," Leon whispered.

The bear opened his mouth into an O.

Leon buried his face into his paint stained hands. He sobbed wishing he had never done the things of his selfish past. He was the most heartless of serpents. Leon brushed away a few tears. He then felt a warmth envelope him. Soft fur brushed against his exposed skin, tickling him.

Peering out from his hands all he saw was brown. It was the bear. It's hugging me. I don't believe it, just a few seconds ago it had been trying to kill... to kill my demons. It hit Leon like a disease, the bear had had countless opportunities to kill him, and yet... it never did. He hugged the bear back. His arms only going so far around the bear. He smiled as the bears chest vibrated with every heart beat. The slow tempo of it soothed him.

"Harmony!" a booming voice shouted. "You've disappointed me."

With a shock, Leon realized it was Dr. Cyrus, but he had never heard him speak with such fierceness behind his words. Harmony? You've disappointed me? What does it mean? He felt the bear stiffen.

"You bloody beast! Do you know what this means!?" Dr. Cyrus rasped.

The bear released it's loving embrace and faced the Doctor.

"Leon, I never would have guessed!? " Dr. Cyrus said mockingly. "You tame beasts."

"W-what are yy-ou t-talking about?" Leon stammered.

Dr. Cyrus only stared at him with eyes as dark blue as a stormy sea.

The bear stood beside Leon. Together, Leon and the bear blocked the entire hall. Leon suddenly realized that he still held his brush. His magical paintbrush. Dr. Cyrus's eyes shifted to it.

"What do you carry that piece of wood and bristle around with you?" Dr. Cyrus said. There was nothing sarcastic in his tone. There was only evil. Evil so intense, it could be felt in the air.

Leon said nothing. He shuddered when Dr. Cyrus smiled.

"Oh yes, I know about that retarded son of yours. How he's dying as we speak."

He did not respond. All his will was focuses on fighting down the tears. That monster! How can he say such a thing about my son! The bear growled as if sensing his turmoil. He felt soothed by it's rhythmic tempo. He could feel hope radiating through him.

"Harmony, you pathetic beast. Do you even think you have a chance of stopping me?" A carnivorous grin creased the Doctor's features. "Now Leon, do you want to know why this is happening?"

Leon was about to nod when his neck stiffened. Something within him was telling him to not listen to anything the Doctor said. He grabbed a lock of the bears fur with his free hand and gripped it as if it were life itself.

Dr, Cyrus smiled. It was the grin of a demon. "Who are you?" Leon whispered.

The Doctor only laughed. He slowly approached the bear until he was only a foot away. For a moment they just stood there, staring each other down. The black hair on Dr. Cyrus's head swirled with the bear's breath.

Leon furrowed his brow as the Doctor casually placed a hand in his coat pocket. Then in a lightning quick movement, Cyrus pulled it our, brandishing a high caliber handgun. Before the bear could react Cyrus shot it in the face. A spray of blood spurted out of it's obliterated eye as the body slammed on the floor.

"You monster!" Leon bellowed as he swished his paintbrush around in random directions. Bursts of shimmering pollen like stars erupted from the bristles and flew toward the Doctor. As they formed a cocoon around Cyrus he backed away in awe.

Leon could only stare with is mouth agape as the stars completely obscured Cyrus from view. And then, in the blink of an eye, the stars dispersed. The Doctor was no more. He fell back against a wall and slid to the floor, clutching the brush to his chest.

Time passed, and he only lay there, resting against the cold wall. Loosening his grip on the brush he brought it to his face. What is this? And then, remembering hwy he had come to the hospital, he knew what it was.

I hold the power to both create, and, and destroy. Wondering whether he could create a cure for his sick son, Leon rose from the floor and headed for home. The only question that remained was, would he suppress his worldy desires? For that is what his up to this point consisted of. He already knew the answer. It's a choice and no more. Only a choice.

Yo,
I still haven't read the book, so I have no idea whether the plot is good or bad, well executed or not. But as an aspiring author to an aspiring author, I'll do my best to mount a merciless all-out attack on this sample, in order to pinpoint weak links, which when fixed would help a literary agent or publisher to say "this author knows what he is doing. I'll take a chance with him."

The desk splintered under the impact of the bears slash. Wood shards scattered around the room, documents floated through the air, and a coffee cup rolled on the ground - a slight narrative rhythm spasm here, with the documents floating. Everything else is dynamic - this splintered, that scattered, the cup rolled on the ground... And the documents float. Unless the floating is elaborated on, it contrasts, because usually behind this word a slow and gentle movement is meant. Thus I recommend that the documents flutter, and that even the cup does not roll, but smashes:)

Leon trembled, he held his paintbrush so tightly that his knuckles went white. He had just gone in to the doctor's office to make an appointment for his son Matt. He could feel tears building. His mentally handicapped son had recently been afflicted by a brutal cold. He and his wife Sharon had felt so helpless watching him cough up gallons of phylum. - his tears building. There is a need to underline why - because of the carnage he is witnessing, because of his fear of death, because of his son's illness, because of shock, because the only doctor in the area has kicked the bucket? if there is no reason, say that there is no reaso; - second, between his knuckles going white and the flashback, there is a need of at least another sentence as a rhythm balancer. A descriptive sentence to do with the 'now', before jumping to the past.

Everything had been going fine, until the blasted bear came - here, compared to the previous paragraphs also the narrative rhythm changes abruptly. The first bit - how everything was going fine, should be pumped up - 'Everything had been so normal, nothing at all hinting at the imminent...blah blah'; and the blasted bear too should be pumped up - 'until this mad beast, this whirlwind of destruction burst into the office... blah blah'

Leon stepped back as the bear approached. "Please, go away," he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks. Will I ever be able to paint my son another portrait? How he loves all the animals of the world. Please, he loves even the most blood thirst of predators.

Leon gritted his teeth, drunk wit hanger. - here, we have something missing between the two. Even if you do plan to leave an abrupt jump from Leon the scared sentimentalist to Leon the angry, there must be at least a sentence describing how abrupt that change is. The so-needed babytalk to the reader. But I recommend softening this jump in the first place by a sentence or two between the two Leons, showing the change take place.

He had done things that haunt him at every waking hour. He had not gotten to the position he is now as one of the world's ... Tenses, in both sentences

The bear slammed it's paws on the floor and growled like a rabid dog. Saliva drenched the fur around it's jaws. It's... - three 'it's' which should be 'its'. My second most common mistake as well:)

"Leon swatted at the bear with his paintbrush. "Vah! Go away!" he barked. Leon stepped aside as the bear charged toward him. He shivered when the gust of air brushed against his face. The wall rattled as the bear slammed into it. - here the dynamism falls apart in an insidious way. The second 'Leon' should be 'he'. Then immediately he must jump away, feel the wind and smell of the bear and hear the thud of impact at the wall. This is a small action scene and it must be very tightly knit and dynamic.


A sickening crunch reverberated throughout the room. Leon ran to the door. He heard the bear snarl behind him. With trembling hands he reached for the knob. It was as cold as death against his palm. He twisted it and cried out in terror. It was locked.
-----
The bears footfalls rumbled over the tiled floor. A filing cabinet was knocked over. It clanged with a resounding boom as it hit the floor. Leon hurdled over the Doctor's crumbled desk and dashed toward the door at the end. - Between these two paragraphs there is a jump from description through Leon's eyes to a third party documenting dispassionately. Not only dispassionately, but also uncertainly. Like a medium, with closed eyes listening to what took place in the office days ago - "I hear a bear's feet on the tiles... A filing cabinet is knocked over..."
Heh. To preserve the integrity of the scene, I recommend having Leon turn around, see these things and do what he does. And again - the whole bear scene should be more tightly knit. Presented like this one begins imagining a huge hall, even beyond 'bloody massive', and a very slow bear. Also, the what door at the end of what? The other door at the other end of the office?

The bear roared as it slammed against the closing door. With a crack, the door slammed against the outer wall with such brutality that it was knocked off it's hinges.- One of the 'slammed' should, for aesthetic's sake be substituted with something else.

The bear was absolutely massive. It's girth almost completely obscuring the narrow hall. - We are in the middle of an adrenaline situation here. The killer beast is after us. It doesn't have a 'girth'. It has a hulk! A hulking mass! Something like that. 'Girth' is a wonderful word, but not for this situation.

It was dimly lit in that part of the Hospital. - When rereading one's stuff, one should restructure such sentences by compressing them and cutting of the debris. 'It was a dimly lit part of the hospital; this part of the hospital was dimly lit; the lights were dim in this part of the hospital; the dim lights in this part of the hospital were...blah blah'

As he ran, he frantically scanned his surroundings for anywhere to escape the bear. - no need to mention the bear here
Adrenaline surged through his veins when he saw that there wasn't a single door. - the adrenaline is already surging. Something else should illustrate his emotion. Perhaps his stomach knotting or whatever. Or him cursing. Also - why are there no doors? What kind of doorless hospital is that? A descriptive sentence is needed for the environment in question, so that we subconsciously accept and believe that it is real, but just without doors.
He exhaled a lungful of air. - why? with relief? in desperation? The lungful comes out of nowhere. Either precede it with an inhalation, or get rid of the 'lungful'
A few yards in front of him was the flickering glow of an exit sign. It seemed to be across a valley - emphasize that by 'valley' you mean something which symbolizes great spaces/distance. Perhaps by adding the words 'far away', or by elaborating on the metaphor.

Leon ducked his head and increased his speed.- he didn't 'duck' his head. From what would he duck? Did he suck it into his shoulders? Did he lower it with determination?

He felt the bears rancid breath above his face. His forehead moistened from the humidity of it. Leon swiped his paintbrush over the slick floor with a twitching hand. The bristles became coated in white paint. - four sentences which should be merged into two, to keep up the dynamism. For this is another encounter with death, right? Now the adrenaline surges and stuff happens very quickly. Unless you specifically state that time slowed down for the protagonist - then you can go all impressionistic.

As the bear's jaws unhinged Leon's arm snapped up and he flawed his paintbrush around. - Unhinging is when the jaws...er...unhinge. A mammal's jaw is unhinged only after a terrific blow. Snakes can unhinge their jaws at will. 'flawed' his paintbrush? Flailed maybe?

Leon screamed when the noose exploded off of the bears mouth. The snap echoed in the door less hall. He pushed back from the wall and sprang to his feet. The bear lashed out with it's enormous hand. As Leon ducked the air wildly blew his hair. - elaborate that the noose explodes because of the bear's mighty jaws ripping it apart - if that is the case. The sentence with the air blowing at his hair should be either rewritten or cut out.

The wall shattered where the bear struck. Without thinking, Leon made a large square. - without thinking means accidently in this context. Describe it in another way. Intuitively; following a hunch; in desperation, etc. And him making a square is not very informative. He made it with his brush and in the air, and that is how it should be presented or alluded to.

He cringed, and gritted his teeth as he limped - why does he cringe and grit his teeth - pain? fear? effort? and where to does he limp? - to safety? away? towards? You should not save the 'flames searing through his side' for last, their place is in the beginning of this update of his current condition, and 'pain' should be directly mentioned, underlined, not alluded to, again this is a choice between tight dynamic presentation and loose impressionism, and the latter I believe is not suitable for such scenes in this genre.

Leon ducked down and drew a circle on the hospitals ghostly white floor. - again the 'ducked', this word should not be used to describe everything. No word should be used to describe everything.

The bear roared as it ran over the pit. It growled furiously as it dug it's claws into the edge. Leon was nose to nose with the beast. - A missing sentence of the bear falling. Otherwise again you force the reader in the midst of the action to stop, to think, to ponder what has happened.

The bears eyes gazed into his. - more. They are nose to nose. The bear does not have only eyes. Nows is the chance to give a few words concerning its head, ears, fangs, fur... Also, does he flinch, does he want to jump away, does he feel strangely attracted?
He felt a pang of remorse as the bears fright filled eyes seemed to peer into his soul. There was a glint of sadness in them. - Too sudden shift in emotions. You must underline its suddeness to exuse it - 'suddenly he felt something like a pang of remorse... Was he imagening things, or was there a glint of sadness...blah blah'
It was the same glassy stare of his son. Leon shook with sadness. Tears streamed down his face. It was such a beautiful creature. What would he tell his son? That he had the power to destroy life? - The first sentence is awkward. Rewrite it. Again, for the sake of rhythm, there is the need to introduce what is happening to Leon, before showing him - 'something unexpected and seemingly out of place was happening to Leon. He was shaking not with fear, but with sadness...blabbity,'

Leon smiled and painted over the hole as it climbed out. - A pivotal moment like the bear climbing out is not just briefly mentioned. It is described. Great arms strain, growls escape it, Leon has second thoughts, etc.

Leon buried his face into his paint stained hands. He sobbed wishing he had never done the things of his selfish past. He was the most heartless of serpents.- again with the detached documentary style. Too dry. Heat it up a bit. 'he sobbed now, his past more then ever seeming to him like an endless string of selfish acts, without any redeeming acts or even words. He sobbed wishing that everything was not so... etc. '

He then felt a warmth envelope him. - since it is a bear hugging him, more qualities to the warmth should be added. Soft, ticklish, cuddly, bristle, whatever, but it's not just warmth.

His arms only going so far around the bears girth.
- Sam! This man just touched my girth!
- You keep your hands off my wife's girth, stranger!

The bear growled as if sensing his turmoil. He felt soothed by it's rhythmic tempo. - tempo of what? Have they passed on from girth-touching to other things? Hihi, just kidding, but you can't leave the tempo hanging like that.

And so, to summarize:
1. Intense scenes must be tight and dynamic, not loose and impressionistic, unless for a specifically stated reason like time slowing down or someone leaving his body.
2. Appropriate areas for descriptions must be identified and utilized. This way a scene stops being a fog in which various detached limbs produce semi-seem actions, but becomes more real and tangible.
3. Word choice and sentence structure must be reviewed under magnifying glass. Anything even just 20% off must be remedied.
4. Grammar. I suck at it too, that's why I didn't point out grammatical stuff, but there is much to correct which even I can detect
5. Words. To describe a scene well you must know the correct words to describe it, and not improvise using words which 'almost fit'. I have the same disease, but when the time for the true editing comes, which is as long almost as the writing itself, then it's time to find the best fitting words. Find a description of a bear's movement in a nature-site. Or in a downloadable book. There are sure to be things, even if they are only two or three, which when sprinkled on your text help the reader suspend his/her disbelief and submerge into the adventure.

Nicely done. A fantastically detailed review. Five stars.

"napalmerski wrote:
The bear slammed it's paws on the floor and growled like a rabid dog. Saliva drenched the fur around it's jaws. It's... - three 'it's' which should be 'its'. My second most common mistake as well:)

I've never even heard of that until now. Thanks for teaching me something new.

OK, finally gotten around to using napalm's suggestions.