Shaken up

So this is something I would hate writing but thought I'd try something new


"Hurry up Jenny!" Kristen calls me.
They really do want me in their group! I force my numb legs to follow the three girls faster. Rocks and roots make my steps uneven as they hit the ground. The sky above me was getting dark but I still pressed on. A dim light csught my attention and I pushed myself on. I heard chatter and slid through a few bushes into a clearing. "Here we are Jenny." Kristen smirked.
I smiled and leaned against a tree stump to let my breathing take its normal course again. "What do I have to do?" I asked after a while.
"You'll see." Kristen laughed and turned to the other girls.
I entered my thoughts in the free time. I had always wanted to join Kristen's gang. They were so popular and cool. I was that girl that worried about school all the time. Makeup and clothing brads had never interested me. But I wanted to fit in with them. They seemed like fun. A rustle above me made me snap back into reality. I peered into the tree thinking a squirrel had decided to come out in the dark and play. "Jenny!" Kristen sounded impatient.
I didn't want to get her upset so I pulled away from the tree to go stand by her. When my body left the tree I felt unsafe... like I shouldn't have be here. I shook off the silly feeling and stood beside Kristen. "All you have to do is put this blind fold on and stand still till we tell you to open your eyes." Kristen smirked.
She tugged a cloth over my eyes roughly, pulling a bunch of my hair. I winced but kept quite. I heard feet leave me and I stood in complete silence.
Trees moved in a slight breeze and my breathing came out slowly. I suddenly was aware of noises. It sounded like feet were creeping around me. I tried to make out how many pairs of feet I heard but after five I lost count. "Do I open my eyes now?" I asked.
There was silence in response and suddenly a large object slammed into my back. My air was forced out and I fell to the musty ground.
Another blow and I was face first in the dead leaves. I heard giggling and I could see a light on the other side of the thick fabric. What was happening?! Someone grabbed my hair and hauled me to my feet. I screeched and swayed as I stood up. Was I upside down? It felt like I was.
"Hahaha" I heard someone laugh.
"You getting this?" Came Kristen's voice.
"Hell yeah." A boy smiled.
"What's going on?" I asked.
My gut started to turn and my head started to scream commands at me. RUN! LEAVE! DANGER! I was to dizzy to know were I was. What was happening. A pair of hands shoved me and I fell to my knees. I heard a few people laugh this time. "What a loser!" Kristen shouted.
This wasn't a try out to get into her group. This was bullying. I tried to get up but something slammed against my face and I fell to the ground. Something hot and sticky started to slide down my chin. Another blow and my nose crunched inwards. The impact caught me by surprise and so did my scream. "Shut her up!" Kristen hissed.
Someone as on top of me. I felt hands grab my wrists and yank them above my head. Another pair of hands started to undo my jeans. I froze. I was getting rapped. I was getting rapped. I forced my body to react but it wouldn't follow my silent screams. Suddenly I could feel the leaves touching my bare butt. I squirmed a little but that did nothing to help. I finally opened my mouth and let out half a cry for help when a hand slammed down on my lips and knocked back a few teeth. I heard zippers and then two hands forcing my legs open. I kicked and squirmed but nothing helped.
Something hard and uncomfortable slammed against me and I stopped breathing. Whatever was inside me was not welcome. It exited and slammed back in. My body moved on the ground as the impacts got harder and harder. I could hear grunting above me as who ever was rapping me kept slamming into me. Slam, Slam. I could hear a loud ringing in my ears and a body fell onto mine.
I went numb with pain and fear. After what felt like hours the body was off me and then I was dragged to my feet. I could feel blood rolling down my legs. "Tie her up." Kristen said in a cold voice.
I was slammed against a tree and my hands were bound behind me. I never understood why they did this to me. Not even when I was not breathing. I felt something hard hit my stomach and I yelled out in pain. More blows came crashing down on my body. My face was bashed in. My legs where scrapped by something sharp and I felt something sting the inside of my elbow. The world started to spin and all I could do was moan for help. I stopped feeling the blows and then it was black.


"This was six years ago?" The police officer asked me.
I nodded and clasped my hands together. "Who did you say you were looking for?" He asked again.
I looked up into his dark green eyes and smiled as a tear dropped down my cheek at the memory of that night six years ago. "John Fletcher. He was the police officer who saved me." I whispered.
"He went home a few hours ago." The police officer sounded disturbed.
He took off his hat and whipped his face. "Did they catch those bastards?" He asked me after a long pause.
I shook my head. "Not all of them." I sighed.
I had only been 12 when I wanted to join a silly gang. Instead, I had been rapped and beaten and drugged. That's something you can't forget no matter how hard you try....

Hey Sara. I haven't seen you around YWS much. It's always nice to see a new face!

NITPICKS

Rocks and roots make my steps uneven as they hit the ground.

The rocks and roots hit the ground? I know this isn't what you meant, but its what you just said. Specify that your feet are the things hitting the ground.

The sky above me was getting dark but I still pressed on. A dim light csught my attention and I pushed myself on.

Pressing on.. Pushing on... Too much 'on' in this paragraph. Find another way to say it.

"Here we are, Jenny." Kristen smirked.

Please note that whenever there is dialogue, you must start a new paragraph.

I had always wanted to join Kristen's gang...Makeup and clothing brands had never interested me. But I wanted to fit in with them.

This doesn't make sense. To me at least. I dunno.

...a squirrel had decided to come out in the dark and play.

Since when do squirrels come out and play? This also sounds strangely sexual to me, ha.

I shouldn't have be here.

Is there any possibility that you meant "shouldn't have been there?"

...you to open your eyes." Kristen smirked.

This is the second time you've used smirk in this. That's once too many.

I winced but kept quite.

Should be "quiet"

Trees moved in a slight breeze

How can she see this if she's blindfolded? If your referring to the sound of rustling trees, then say that the MC can hear the sound of rustling trees.

My air was forced out and I fell to the musty ground. ... Another blow and I was face first in the dead leaves.

Huh? She magically falls onto the ground... twice? Without ever getting back up? Sketchy.

"Hahaha" I heard someone laugh.

Take out the "haha" and just say the the MC heard someone laugh.

"You getting this?" Came Kristen's voice.

"came" should not be capitalized.

"Hell yeah." A boy smiled.

She's blindfolded.. So how can she see the smiling person?

I was getting rapped. I was getting rapped.

Don't you mean raped?

He took off his hat and whipped his face.

Whipped? He whipped his face? It's wiped, dear.

I had been rapped and beaten and drugged

Huh? She was drugged? I don't remember this part.


REALISM
Since Jenny is 12 during the rape, I'm assuming that all of the other characters are 12-13 as well. So they are in middle school. When I was in middle school, there weren't gangs. And I went to a semi-ghetto-hick sort of middle school. There simply aren't gangs in middle school unless you live in the ghetto, lol. And if you live in the ghetto your smart enough to not let yourself be blindfolded by some mean girl like that.

And would they really rape the girl? And videotape it? (I'm assuming that they did in fact videotape it, as you eluded to that). It seems like it would be sooo easy to get caught. Jenny's gonna tell her Momma as soon as she gets home.

These kids are 12-13. They really don't have the capability to rape someone. Most of the boys haven't really gone through puberty so they aren't even ready to have intercourse at all. You might try to say that the kids who rape her are older... But since when do middle schoolers hang out with older kids? I'm in high school and we don't give a sh*t bout middle schoolers. We won't even hang out with freshmen, definitely not middle schoolers.

And it sort of seems like Jenny had this coming. I read through this again, and she was never tied up. And if she let herself get tied up, then she is just an idiot and deserved to get raped. If she wasn't tied up, then why'd she let the people beat her? As soon as I would've heard people laughing, if I was her, I would've ripped off the blindfold and kicked some *ss.

Kristin's also being a bit of a b*tch to her from the beginning... You'd think that Jenny would've caught on quicker before she allowed herself to be raped.

Last one:

I looked up into his dark green eyes

I've only seen one person in real life with dark green eyes. I doubt that this random police officer has them.


VERB TENSE
I'm not sure if you understand verb tense, so I'm going to explain it to you now. Basically, there are three tenses. Past, present, and future. Past tense = he ran, he walked, he sang. Present tense = he runs, he walks, he sings. Future tense = he will run, he will walk, he will sing.

This piece starts out in present tense. ("Kristen calls me" is in present tense). Soon after, however, it switches to past tense with stuff like: "Kristen laughed"

You must commit to one tense (except in very very special circumstances, and this is not one of them) and stick with it. Always. Using multiple tenses in the wrong places ruins everything.



DIALOGUE
After a new person starts talking, remember to do a new paragraph. This includes paragraphs were there has just been some description.

A lot of your dialogue just doesn't seem realistic to me. In Kristin's first dialogues, she says Jenny's name to her each time. When you're actually talking to someone, you don't usually say their name in the speech unless you are trying to get their attention or are saying something really deep/important.

"Shut her up!" Kristen hissed.

This doesn't seem realistic to me at all. Kristin has too much control over these guys... Especially for a twelve year old. She's just too evil! Its not real.

"Did they catch those bastards?"

I can't picture a police officer saying this to anyone.. Haha.


OVERALL
This is highly unrealistic. Not too believable. I also don't get why she's seeing the police officer at the end. If she's just stopping to see the dude who saved her (which is sort of weird in itself), then why did she tell the random police officer her whole story?

Nice work. Keep writing. PM for comments/questions
Cheers,
Lena

This hits the reader right in the face.Which is good.You just need to work along the realistic and plausible parts a bit more.

hey Lena...
wow i just looked at my reading again and realized my dumb mistakes. I was laughing at myself so hard!
Thanks for fixing my problems I'll get to the retarded scenes I just randomly made up.I can see that i fail at grammar
thanks again