Cyber Love: A Villanelle

Okay, I've never actually written one of these before, but I think it was okay for a first try. I wrote this for the Olympics, but I submitted it just as Nate locked the topic. I'm still furious that he was on schedule the one time I needed him not to be. You made me a sad panda, Nate.

Here goes nothing!

***

Our love spans worlds and websites.
My heart's a beating red emoticon
Made of black text and electronic light.

I don't know your name, or what you look like,
So let's not ruin it all;
Our love spans worlds and websites.

Your smilie, my dear, does shine so bright
It spells "Potterfan" backwards
Made of black text and electronic light.

And I know it's true... You love to read Twilight.
But I don't care; at the end of the day
Our love spans worlds and websites.

But the best part of all: we both love to write!
We met on YWS, a really cool place
Made of black text and electronic light.

And the end of the day, and those long summer nights,
I think of you, my sweet, because...
Our love spans worlds and websites,
Made of black text and electronic light.

***

I wanted it to be different and not so similar to the other ones that I read. Not that they were bad or anything, but I wouldn't have stood a chance otherwise. Grr... I'll never get over it. D:

Aww Mr Knightley I feel your pain... I posted a terzanelle thinking that it was a variation of a villanelle when really it was just a different poem. I had to completely re-write myn and it wasn't as good. And I really loved this as well, such a shame that you didn't get to post it.

Just one small thing, I would space it out so that your reader can see the triplets and the stanza at the end it would just make it less intimidating. I think that the middle lines of each triplet are supposed to rhyme as well but yours worked without that so thats fine.
I loved it!

Well Done,
Sorry you didn't get to post it.
Keep Writing
~Lydia

If it's any consolation, this isn't technically a villanelle so Nate would have been forced to disqualify you. The middle line of each stanza also has to rhyme with each of the others so emoticon, all, backwards, day, place and because all need to be altered. Once you've fixed that, I think you'll have something quite fun here. It's not particularly powerful but there's a certain liability to it. Here's a few suggestions:

Our love spans worlds and websites.
My heart's a beating red emoticon
Made of black text and electronic light. [Maybe make light plural so that the rhyme is more exact?]

I don't know your name, or what you look like,
So let's not ruin it all; [Huh? I'm not sure that this made snese to me, it feels like the latter half of a sentence. What is threatening the relationship? Perhaps you meant 'but let's not ruin it all' which would fit better.]
Our love spans worlds and websites.

Your smilie, [You mean smiley?] my dear, does shine so bright [Please think of something better than bright or at least use your words carefully. Perhaps 'your smiley my dear, is candles bright' or 'moon-shine bright' though that's also a little unoriginal. Put some thought into it and see if you can find an image personal to your situation.]
It spells "Potterfan" backwards
Made of black text and electronic light.

And I know it's true... You love to read Twilight.
But I don't care; at the end of the day
Our love spans worlds and websites.

But [Maybe and?] the best part of all: we both love to write!
We met on YWS, a really cool place
Made of black text and electronic light.

And the end of the day, and those long summer nights,
I think of you, my sweet, because...
Our love spans worlds and websites,
Made of black text and electronic light. [The two lines work nicely together so the close down is good.]

I think you've got a reasonable feel for the form but you need to refine it a little and you should avoid lines that don't add something to the poem like the second in your last stanza. You've not got many words so use them all carefully! With that said, it's a good attempt, I'd like to see what you make of this when you clean it up,

Heather xx

p.s. Feel free to pm me with any questions!

Aww, it was so sweet! This shall be a brief review (homework, argh!), but the two nice lines, "worlds and websites" (euphonious, even better) and "black text and electronic light" were particularly enjoyable. There were a few jolting places, but maybe it's just because I harbor a dislike for Twilight that I didn't appreciate that particular line. Regardless, I still thought the whole thing was charming.

Lah di dah. See you around.

–antimelrose