The Battle: Prologue

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This is actually a story I started two years ago. I've been wanting to continue it so any reviews would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
tRiCk

tRiCk wrote:The streets are dark and the rain pelts me incessantly. I walk through the darkness with my head down not making eye contact with any of the bums or prostitutes that roam my neighborhood. My mind is set on one track; an address running over and over in my head. For miles I walk until I see the building finally loom before me. It’s a ritzier apartment building than most; one that requires an access code to get through. My friend hadn’t informed me of this obstacle.

I puzzle over it for a second and study the huge building. Surely there is another entrance other than for tenants. I wander around the parking lot until I find a door marked “Employees Only” that also demands an access code. Above the door though, a large window shows another opportunity. Normally I am hesitant to literally “break” in due to all the high-tech alarms they have these days. Then again I should have known it wasn’t going to be as easy as just waltzing in and getting the job done.

I pull my hoody tighter over my head and bring my fist back for the blow. Now I hesitate, deciding where the best place to hit it would be. Although the whole act of breaking glass pretty much describes itself as being dangerous, I want to avoid pain as much as possible. My knuckles finally land at the top of the window and the glass breaks easily. I listen intently for an alarm, and then make my way inside.

The hallway was brightly lit and I hear laughter coming from a nearby staircase. I hurry to take off my gloves and black hoody and toss them in the trash just as a couple appears in front of me. I throw on a wonderful smile and glide by wishing them a good night. Just before I disappear up the stairs I hear them comment on what a good “neighbor” they have. I can’t help but smirk.

Taking the steps two at a time, I reach the fifth floor then lean against the rail. I close my eyes and listen to the thumping of my heart. Its rhythmic at first; soothing my nerves. Then the adrenaline starts to flow through my blood. Everything has been leading up to this moment. I chuckle a little to myself then enter the long hallway.

It looks the same as the first floor with tall ceilings and doors on each side that seem to go on forever. I take one more deep breath and start across the hallway trying to concentrate only on the feel of the lush carpet beneath my shoes. Halfway to my destination I am finally calm until two guys burst out of a room. Not just any room either, but the one I am most interested in. Time stops as I stare at the billowing figures also dressed in black and only one thought crosses my mind… oh crap.

Of course it takes just a second for them to notice me. To them I probably appear to be just another regular young lady trying to get home at night. They don’t seem to find me as much of a threat but my mind starts to race. What were they doing in there? Is it possible they beat me to the job? And if so, who are they and what business do they have with………him?

They are getting closer and I struggle to stop the thoughts that are rushing to my head. I jump a little and play the “scared young girl” role as they run past me and enter the waiting elevator. Before the doors close I see the taller of the two mouth some threats in my direction. The second the doors meet I let out a sigh and slide to the floor.

“Well,” I speak aloud. “There was an elevator all along and I took the damn stairs. That’s just GREAT!”

Damn, damn, damn, I think to myself, what am I going to do now? Were they just robbing him? Maybe the police were just sick of trying to pin something on him and decided to try some vigilante justice.

No, that couldn’t be it. If they truly wanted to get rid of him this bad, they would have done it more professionally. This had to be something else. He obviously pissed off someone recently, not that it surprises me in the least. Well they sure didn’t rob him, or if they did, they didn’t take anything big. They could have just been checking out the place.

Maybe they killed him.

If that was the case I better check right now. If they did get to him before me, I want them still close enough to chase.

I stand on my feet again, close my eyes, and try to steady my nerves. Out of my pocket I pull out two tablets and throw them down my throat.

“Whooh, let’s do this!”
Last edited by tRiCk on Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Darker than the blackest black times infinity.




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This is interesting. It definitely hooks me in and makes me want to read more. Who is the man she's visiting? Why is she taking the pills?

One thing I didn't get was the scene where she breaks the window? How does she get up there?

The streets are dark and the rain pelts me insistently.

Try "incessantly" instead of "insistently".

Also, the "oh crap" is a little... too informal to be in a story. Try "damn".
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Hi tRick
I really like it and its got me hocked. I want to know who she was visiting and what the job was.
I haven't got any nit-picks.
Can you pm me when you post more?
Thanks
midnightread :elephant:
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A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


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Growing up is optional.


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Thanks a lot for the reviews!

I've changed the word "insistently" to "incessantly" as was the advice of Merlin34. It really does sound a lot better with that word changed, so thanks to you again. Also, the window above the door isn't too terribly high. Sorry, I suppose I didn't explain that part well enough. Maybe I'll add that she broke the glass, grabbed hold of the ledge and lifted herself up.

And thanks, midnightread, for the encouragement! Ill be glad to pm you when I post more.

tRiCk
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Hey there, I'm here to review your story!

First off, great writing style; instantly pulled me in and kept my attention throughout the whole piece. You've definitely got a great start here, there are a lot of unanswered questions, but not so many that it frustrates the reader and makes them quit reading. Key element there. ;)

I noticed you seemed to miss some commas in places, which really isn't that big of an issue, but I thought I'd point it out to you since it was a recurring thing, like this sentence:
tRiCk wrote:I chuckle a little to myself, then enter the long hallway.


Just a little nitpick of mine. :)

Okay, that's it! Please PM me when you post the next part; I'm intrigued and wanting to read more! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Thanks Ranger Hawk. Every reply helps and I will keep that in mind when I do the next part.
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[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
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